Orbs.

A Poem by rodrigogour

There was a hidden thrill behind your stare, as if you knew exactly what was going on through my entire body.

I’d rather murder time itself than asphyxiate any chance we have of making this work, together.

When you are so used to good things always crumbling down around you, it’s almost impossible to notice when something amazing comes along and once you notice its presence, it becomes even harder to accept its veracity.

Trauma leaves a body vulnerable to further aggressions; it creates a barrier that segregates hope with the rest of human emotions. You understand the concept of hope, but you cannot immerse the rest of your emotions in it.

Time after time, the future you’ve been waiting for has been ripped from your dreams, leaving you to start from square one.

The first time my eyes met yours, there was something stopping me from really seeing you. I mean, I could see your physicality and I could smell your innocence, but I couldn’t feel your soul.

You were offering it to me, a beautiful orb of pure energy that irradiated everything that’s good in the world. Perhaps it was my darkness, or my inability to accept the fact that something good could happen to me, but I was blinded by my fears, and most importantly, by my past.

I could see beyond our meeting, through that orb, I could see the future we could create together, like a crystal ball. It showed me the most inconceivable of scenarios, because I could never be that person.

I could never be that happy.

I didn’t recognize my own smile.

Granted, the smile was hypothetical, because I didn’t even know your name back then, but I could sense your intentions as if they were my own.

In a way, they were.

There was a hidden thrill behind your stare, as if you knew exactly what was going on through my entire body. You discovered that you had a special power that had the capacity to fix my broken spirit, and you reveled in it.

You held that orb, filled with your promises and that ludicrous future, and you dazzled me with it. The brightness was hindering my sight, and overpowering my self-control. I was slowly forgetting the things that had happened to me in the past, the memories felt alien to my newly discovered body, I had reached that hidden compartment in my heart, the one that had my hope quarantined.

I reached it, and you cracked it wide open with a flick of your finger.

I could see us work. Someday in the future, I could see myself smiling and opening my heart to another human being. I could see your fingers intertwined with mine, our touch creating an electric spell of never-ending moments of ecstasy.

It was all there, and you were offering it to me.

Still, even if I was subjugated by your presence, there was something inside of me that feared contaminating that purity. I had some darkness in me; a twisted beast that fed off of isolated flashes of pain and insecurity, and it was highly infectious.

I wanted to keep my distance from you, but you were addictive. Every time we met, I had to have more of you. I needed to feel your skin, to touch your lips, to smell your hair. I needed to feel you closer, and I wanted to keep you safe. Even if my actions contradicted everything I was fighting for.

I was your biggest threat, and even if I made you aware of it, you wouldn’t let me go. You held my heart with an iron grasp, and you held my entire body while it emotionally detoxificated from the people that had hurt me in the past.

I shivered and it hurt, but you still wouldn’t let go, even if I tried my best to push you away. I needed to take care of you, not the other way around.

It was a done deal. After a while my infection was gone. There was not a single trace of it in my entire organism.

I’d been cured, and you were still here, as thriving as the first time I laid my eyes upon you. We’ve promised a lot in the short time we’ve known each other. They’ve been silent promises of a better future, regardless of the enigmatic present in which we live today.

When I gaze upon your face, I am rendered speechless. You’re everything I’ve been waiting for my entire life. You’ve lit fireplaces that have been long extinguished and left forgotten.

I’m trying to breakthrough the impossibility of our connection; to make any sense of the playing field in which the universe has dropped us. Sometimes I feel that you’re too good to be true, that I’ve finally gone crazy and you’re just a figment of my imagination.

But I guess that good things do come to the people who deserve them. They might be hidden in plain sight, in a camouflaged form or evident as rain, but they will eventually find the way towards you.

Love will embrace the entirety of your life; it will alter your mood, possess your inspiration, and make you lose your mind. It’s a roller-coaster, and it is never predictable.

It turns you into a vulnerable person, and you’ll reach a level of susceptibility that you’ve never known before. But your defenses will multiply exponentially, because your fears will no longer be yours, they will also belong to another person, and they will help you soothe them as you will theirs.

Being in love is a contract signed in blood. It’s not about hearts and chocolates; it’s about trust and the sufficient maturity to place the emotional integrity of another person entirely before yours.

The heart of another person lies completely in your possession, you have the new-found ability to channel your emotions through another body and then back to yours. You’ll never be alone again, because once you find the real deal, then you’ll have no doubts about that person… because that person will fit just right.

You’ll complement each other entirely, what you lack will thrive in your partner, and you’ll share memories and expectations like a single body.

Getting to know another person better than they know themselves is the ultimate show of immorality. You’ll inhabit that person’s life and try to make every single detail better. You’ll breathe for the chance to perfect his or her world. You’ll try to push that person to be the best version of themselves.

And once you’ve settled down and the dust is left well far behind, then you’ll look back and remember that darkness. You’ll try to remember the face of the people that created it in the first place, and the faces will be gone. Their names, their empty promises. They will all be gone, and you will be completely there, in that moment, holding hands with the person that literally makes you whole. And you will smile at the same time, while you look at the orbs of energy that have multiplied through the years and now create the safest atmosphere in which you could breathe: a paragon of delight and rightfulness.

orb /ôrb/

a sphere or spherical object.