Silence.

A Poem by rodrigogour

"It is in the farcical reality of my imagination that I let the truth out, and sometimes, in the oddest of moments, truth can be magical on its own."

My love for you was silent, but it was never mute. In a way, the stillness was deliberate.

I like to think the reason for my reticence was raw courage; a mixture of respect and astonishing awe, but the truth is that I will never know. Maybe I do, but I don’t like dwelling in situations that could’ve been if I had been honest with myself from the beginning.

If I had spoken, maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did.

Perhaps I was counting on it, even if I still carry around the guilt everywhere I go.

If my voice could guide us back to that moment, the day your eyes dared me to open my heart behind those veiling tears, I would scream until my lungs dry up and my voice resonates inside every cell of your body. Maybe that way I could really show you the complexity of my emotions and make you understand that I couldn’t be the reason for the undoing of your life.

It was the hardest decision of my life, and I still don’t know if I made the right one, but I have to learn to live without regrets… even if that’s harder than what brought me here in the first place.

I chose to remain quiet for the sake of your emotional survival, because words only complicate things.

We were happy in the naïveté of our actions, even if we knew that it couldn’t last forever. We were quiet, yet our hearts understood each other and they communicated with the electric sparks of my skin touching yours. It was real, because in the language of physicality there is no way to lie.

For a moment we were magic, and we reveled in the simplicity of our rational silence, ignoring the harsh reality of the starkness in the outside world. The only reality we cared about was our own, without thinking about the collateral damage our emotional affair could lash out into the world.

We were the most emotionally irresponsible kids on the planet, and we didn’t care.

Until we did.

And when we finally did, the magic was gone, and it was replaced by guilt.

You were his, and we’d taken the sanctity of that commitment for granted.

That was the truth, and it was irrefutable.

That’s when I decided that silence was the best thing we could’ve done, because that way my rational brain could never remember the words that were never uttered, it would eventually forget about the secrets my heart told yours, and the warmth of your fingers between mine would ultimately frost the solitude throughout my bones.

Honor made us destroy magic, but in the process, it also destroyed my heart. That was the day I learned the most important lesson that life has ever taught me: if you take magic away from everything the only thing you have left is truth, and truth, however comforting it may be, can sometimes be cruel.

I will never know the magic of your lips kissing mine and of those same lips saying the words for the first time, the same words your eyes had showed me before.

I’ve decided to breathe through my memories, to inhale the air of those summer nights lying under the stars, the faint scent of dandelions framing what is impossible, with our fingers barely touching, silent, but our souls declaring their love for each other through yowls of natural frustration.

It is through those same memories that I talk to you and that I say the words that would’ve changed our future forever. Your stare gives me the strength to find those perfect words, because in order to break the piercing numbness of my silence I needed to find the right voice, one that could merge with yours, to create a melody of unadulterated truth.

It is in the farcical reality of my imagination that I let the truth out, and sometimes, in the oddest of moments, truth can be magical on its own.

I take your hand and I let my tongue pour out the magic of the things you had created inside my body, of the irrational hold your presence had of my entire being, the words gush out of my mouth and the pain is unbearable.

It hurts because it isn’t true, and every syllable drills through my heart, desperately trying to get out and find yours. As I stand there, I feel relief, and tears of sadness stream down your cheeks, reminding me that it’s too late, that my words are hurting you even more than what they’re doing inside my body, but you don’t want them to stop.

You want to imagine a world in which time doesn’t exist, because maybe you would’ve met me first in that reality, and maybe we would be together now.

There are a million things that I want to know. I need to find out if his heart can talk with yours when he holds your hand, I want to know if you’re happy. I want to know if you remember those days as vividly as I do. I want to know if you also wonder what those words would’ve been like.

I can’t bring myself to search for you, because if I find you, I will never be able to resist the power of my heart. It’s a battle that my brain will lose for as long as my heart keeps on beating.

I am not that strong, and I’m not sure I want to be anymore. So I beg you to hide, to keep your light away from mine, to give your heart to him and forget about me. Forget about what could’ve been and forget about the things I never said, because if I find you, I will never let you go, and I’m scared of what would happen if you cling to me as hard as I would to you.

I’d hold you in my arms, and I’d bring us into the light. I would dry your tears and I’d whisper those words I’ve never told you a million times, because there wouldn’t be a reason to shout. My body would never leave yours alone again.

Run.

Run as fast and as far as you can.

Love him.

Show me that the truth without magic is worth living for.