blue lace dress

warning: this story is about rape and may be hard for people to read.

Blue lace dress

People say “it's your fault, the dress you were wearing made you an easy target, you shouldn't have been at the party if you didn't want the consequences”. People couldn't have been more wrong.

At age 12 I was in 6th grade. I went to a school that leveled from 6th through 12th. I had many friends from all levels but most of them were seniors. One of my best friends was 18, it was his last year. He invited me to a party he was having, being 12 I thought it was cool. I went and couldn't have been more wrong. By the end of the night I went from being a twelve year old virgin to a twelve year old rape victim. I had to go back to school and see my rapist in the halls, hear his footsteps. After all he was my best friend. What do people say then? Do they still blame the victim? Do they still say it was because of the blue lace dress I got for my birthday a month before? Do they still say it's my fault? My fault for being young and trusting?  The blue lace dress is now a pile of ashes in my unsuccessful attempt to rid my mind of the memory. But the memory is still burned into my mind forever. Every touch. Every hug. Every kiss. Every tap on the shoulder. Every movement in the dark. All can be a trigger. Sending me into a panic attack. Sending me back to that night. The night that was supposed to be fun. The night that fear came into my life.  So tell me is it really my fault when I screamed no? When I tried to push a 200 pound person off my 90 pound body? Is it really my fault when he gets to walk around free and I’m stuck with haunting memories? I still wake up at night in tears thinking I'm back there, thinking I'm going to die. I still flinch at every movement towards me. I'm still affected. Years later and I'm still in pain. Still suffering. People say get over it. I say try living through it. You can't just get over it, it stays with you like a shadow. Even without light your shadow is still there, others just can't see it.

Author's Note

I tried not to go into details about what happened. I needed to share this. I wasn't sure how to finish it because it doesn't just go away like you close a book. You continue on, its just a finishing chapter and you're starting a new one.

Reviews

[Ardra]

mmmmm Am not sure if it happened to you..
If it was real, then very sorry to know ,
sometimes trusting people is one of our major weakness i feel.... but life is beautiful...
we should know we are more important than any of such thoughts in our mind..

to stay strong, yes its not easy...it was never your fault... dressing up beautifully for a 12 yr old, to go to a party is all normal for that age... being subjected to something which she is not ready for the person who did that to you is at fault, somehow the society always loves to blame the females...for the consequences....

pls. try focus to cultivate some hobby or something which will help you focus, writing it out is a very good therapy i can say that ..
but you will need to give time to heal your soul..
i hope you will feel all better soon, life is like a small war... we need to keep fighting at every step ... its never going to be easy...
HUGS to you...if you ever feel like speaking pls. feel free to speak..

[Samuel Dickens]

Thank God there's a new awareness going on. I've heard similar stories, and it's just so terrible and heartbreaking. I never had a daughter, but know I'd have tried to kill anyone who did that to her. And as male who has always been attracted to the opposite sex, I can't even imagine forcing myself on someone. Very effective writing.