The Moth - Terza Rima Versiona

Selecting the best necklace, I saw a moth stone. Dazzling and heavy. Heavy like my heart!

The Moth �" Terza Rima Version

© 2019 Sachiko Ruaya

Maybe my soul, thus a moth

Maybe my body, thus a shell

Maybe my tears thus may froth

Can my shell melt through hell?

Or shall I despise myself?

Not that I promise that I fell

Whether or not my heart in half

I am a moth looking for the light

That’s how I strive for oneself!

Reviews

[Mrudula Rani]

I applaud your efforts for trying an unfamiliar format, for stepping out of your comfot zone .... that is the best way to grow as a writer. And there are wonderful critics like JayG to show you how to improve yourself, to start with you are a brilliant writer so it won't be a tough feat for you.

[S.zaynab.kamoonpury]

This is such a marvellous poem, how u combined muse with the moth features, so it deserves many kudos.!

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed this poem. You made the reader see your point of view of the moth. Thank you Sachiko for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[JayG]

Poetically, it needs a lot of work. S1 and S2 have a rhyme structure of ABA, but S3 is ABC, and that can't work.

You also want to avoid forcing the line to the needs of the rhyme.

Meaning-wise, you, because you wrote it, have context fot each line before you begin reading. So it works for you, but a reader has only what the words suggest, based on THEIR background. Lacking that, a reader, encountering "Maybe my soul, thus a moth," has no context to make it meaningful.

How are a soul and a moth connected? I have no idea. How does "maybe" relate to "thus?" Unclear as read. And since you cannot retroactively remove confusion, clarifying the meaning later helps not at all as it's read, and your goal is to entertain the reader, not confuse them. Not only is there no connection between moth and froth, other than happening to rhyme, the last line in S1 is convoluted, so as to place the rhyming line at the end. But that makes it read as if Yoda was speaking . The idea is that the rhyming word seems to just happen to rhyme, and is the best word to complete the thought, not something that was forced in to provide a rhyme.

Sorry my news isn't better.

[Sachi Ruaya]

Thank you for your feedback!

This is indeed my first time trying a form that I've never heard of. Having you point out how the reader must've taken it from their perspective is eye-opening.

[JayG]

Take a read of the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It's a fantastic introduction to structured poetry, and to the way we perceive the flow of language.