Standing under the rain

500 words challenge...Didn't turn out half bad if I may say

            Standing under the rain, looking up to the sky... it reminds me of a time when you would put your arms around me, holding me close, from the back. Standing here, remembering the kisses that would rain down as if from the sky like the drops of water. Little blessings and miracles, something I should have never taken for granted. I can almost feel your breath against my skin again... something so warm, so alive.

 

That’s how you made me feel you know, alive...

Alive in your arms, safe as well...

 

            I hope you are safe and happy now, that someone can give you what I couldn’t give you no matter how hard I tried. I can never be the safe harbour for you as you are for me. Even now, pass time and space. Your phantom here, wrapping yourself around me again and showering me with kisses... even after I betrayed you, left you hurt and alone.

 

“I hear laughter in the rain.
Walking hand in hand with the one I love” ~

            Hearing the song that meant so much to us in my mind, I start to sway, to dance to it. My hand in yours, head held high, your hand on my waist... Dancing like what we did so many times before, something we found so natural like breathing. Breathing, sharing the same air... Slowly the song comes to an end, like how everything comes to an end... in the end.

 

An end...

There is no end to love is there?

 

            A cry escapes my lips... Don’t leave! Don’t exchange my hand for another in this dance of life. The remembered warmth leave... leaving me shivering in the wake of the icy cold. Forcing me back into reality, slowly I open my eyes and laugh despairingly, wretchedly... Folding into myself now, kneeling on the soil. Fighting for self control, for just a foothold of sanity... all I need is a moment.

 

Looking up to the sky,

Salt water bleeds into the fresh water from the sky

 

            Crying, sobbing brokenly. Like a rock on the ground... no, not a rock, a pebble. Insignificant in the scheme of things, nothing more then a whisper in time... That’s how much we mean. Feeling more fragile then spun glass, the raindrops are falling heavy, hiding this venerability from prying eyes. Tears pours from my eyes, trying to match the rain one for one...

 

A moment to trace the words

“Here lies...”

 

            My heart, my soul... the other half of me. Looking around, seeing as if the first time the amount of tomb stones. Knowing that I am neither the first nor the last in my grief...

 

Spent rain, droplets falling to the ground

Waking from a dream

 

            Spent now... my tears, my grief. I place a lone white rose on your grave and turn to walk away from you again... as I have done so many times when you were alive, when I should have held you tight. Goodbye again love...

 

 

Author's Note

Trying to combine poem and story... What you think? Does it work?
Any feedback is welcome...

Can someone PM me explaining about the "gerne"s
I am having problem categorising things

Thank you in advance

Reviews

[MarieCo214]

It's a beautiful piece and well-written. There is plenty of emotion here. It invokes even tears or a deep sense of sorrow in the reader. Transition on a single part was a little confusing to process, but all the same, just reading on gave the meaning. Well thought through and with a steady rhythm, well done. You can really touch hearts.

[AK]

Gentle, painful, heartbreaking, yet so caring and loving.
All the things that make writing good. Nicely done.

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This is really a beautiful piece of writing. Lovely imagery and visualization, the white rose is the end actually imparted a great feel in the entire write.
Very emotional and heart touching.
And yeah! It's a poem prose :)

[R. L. Ambar]

I have to say this is one of my fav's on this site so far....

10/10

Brill

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Rocher

[NCPanthersgurl]

I think it works okay. I definitely feel the emotion in it, which definitely makes it a better piece in itself. And I agree with H.A.M.'s comment that it feels dreamlike and story like at the same time. Nice job.

[H. A. M.]

It's touching. Also for me it's a hard call to say if it's a poem or a story. It comes off good as a story and has a dream like quality to it. As a poem it's written as one and looks good that way. A poetic story. Nicely done. I guess the best examples for works I've seen go that route are Poe's the raven and Lenore(if it's called that.) And The Song of Hiawatha. Those are poems telling a story.
The paragraphs are done well because they say it poeticly. The lines that you use for breaks(?) are cool. I was thinking what if the two lines played off the last sentence in the paragraph:

"Tears pours from my eyes, trying to match the rain one for one...
A moment to trace the words
"Here lies..."
That was good there and I don't know if it was intentional but good. But that's what I mean for all of this.
It makes the reading more unique.
Well that's all I got and I thought it was cool.
Time well spent on this.

[ShadowWolf]

A well written piece that I enjoyed reading.

This could have been either poetry or story, in fact there are many catagories where it would fit.