The Wind Signals the End

This piece is on the chopping block right now, as I am debating on which pieces to use in my demo album. Please read and critique. Thank you.

At the end of the world
This is what I saw
Millions of brothers with all guns drawn
Raised to their shoulders
Heads focused on the sky
And this retched moment left me begging why
Why god my we kill our kin?
Why has this hell set in?
Why god, why must this be the way that we end?
As I berated the heavens
There came gods reply
Even as the clouds spread and closed up the sky
His voice spilled out,
It poured down like rain
�This is not my decision, for I am not to blame.
Only you my sons could have brought upon your own pain.
And for that I cry
But that is what you get when you believe life is some petty game�
�And for that I cry�
The sun died out as all the earths animals perished
The stench was awful as the blackest of blacks beset us
And in that heartbeat of a moment
All I heard was myself and the wind
And god making plans to begin again.

Reviews

[Michael X]

try focusing on quality of grammar like this with line..."Why god my we kill our kin." doesnt make sense, does it?
if you could scale down the drawn out aspects and tighten the form and work on the
punctuation, you could really bring the idea of liberation into frontal view. not bad, the talent is there.

[Tara Jean Olson]

bravo!