I Couldn't Stop.

I tried to sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes

I pictured myself grasping the bottle on my nightstand.

"Stop."

"How many pills do I have left?"

"Stop."

"You don't need another one."

I tried to talk myself out of the chaos that could soon ensue.

I imagined the unmanageability of the next day,

The incapacity to function,

The incapacity to love.

But if I was high

I wouldn't care,

I wouldn't feel the pain of the world.

The people I despised,

The people who resented me,

They wouldn't matter.

That seemed attractive enough.

There was my excuse.

I grasped the bottle on my nightstand.

I cried because I didn't want to take one.

I cried because I had to take one.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree.
"I grasped the bottle on my nightstand.
I cried because I didn't want to take one.
I cried because I had to take one."
Lack of sleep and confusion can lead us to bad places. The poem had the feel of realness and struggle. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[samanthaashley_]

thank you for reading it! I am glad you enjoyed it

[Coyote Poetry]

I did and you are welcome.

[CD Campbell]

Painful words. A situation I've seen before. It's raw and scary. What do you say after reading this? Obviously I'll deflect and say that I like the flow and thought provoking nature. CD

[samanthaashley_]

thank you!

[Zac]

Good write
hope to read more

[samanthaashley_]

thank you so much! there will definitely be more to come :)

[Zahra]

I cried because I didn't want to take one.
I cried because I had to take one.

there is truth in these words. sometimes the only choices left are the ones that we know will hurt us anyway. Very well penned

[samanthaashley_]

absolutely.. it doesn't even feel like a choice sometimes. and thank you!

[Millzy86]

a really grabbing piece as I can relate to this deeply I get it and it's beautifully done but raw

[samanthaashley_]

glad you can relate! well.. it is an unfortunate situation, but it is always good to have someone to identify with. thank you for the comment!

[micky]

Gosh....powerful piece ....i love the flow...i feel the pain and frustration in this piece
Well done:)

[samanthaashley_]

thank you so much!

[613]

Wow. This was extremely powerful & well written. Although I have never dealt with THIS type of addiction, I can completely relate.

A significant line that stood out to me was, "I imagined the unmanageability of the next day,"; something about this screams REALITY loud & clear.

What a wonderful job on this poem. You can bet I'll be reading more of your works!

XO, Brittney

[samanthaashley_]

I'm glad you could connect with the writing! it's always good to hear. let me know if you ever write about your experience with addictions/unmanageability! I love reading that stuff, especially when I know that the author has gotten their life together a little bit.. it is just solidifying that there is hope, and I need to keep reminding myself of that! no matter how much time goes by without acting out on addictive behaviors, it is easy to believe that you didn't make the right decision to stop.

[613]

I'll definitely let you know. (& by the way, if you stick to what you know is right for you nothing can interfere with the way you feel about yourself or the way you wish to live your life. Don't worry, you're strong).

Although it isn't considered an addiction, I have written a novel, HIM, about an experience I went through about five years ago that I deal with on a day-to-day basis. I know all too well how it feels to sink into a depression you feel you can never get out of because of something in your past holding you back. Seven chapters are posted on my feed.

By the way - you're a great writer. Just keep doing what you're doing & you should be just fine.

[samanthaashley_]

thank you so much for all of that! and once I get through finals I would love to read those chapters!

[613]

Awesome, thank you! & you're welcome!

[modtoddinc]

You have truly captured the inner struggle of many with your words. Addiction, pain, loss, struggle, euphoria, escape, comfort, powerlessness... a good poem. Thank you for sharing.

~peace, Todd

[samanthaashley_]

Thanks, Todd! I really appreciate it.

[Rajat malik]

your poem form a virtual world in front of mee.....I loved it

[samanthaashley_]

thank you!

[Rajat malik]

you deserve it....hats off to you