Regression

Is it wrong that I still like to test the waters?

I want to see that I still have control

Over my life.

I act out in obsessions and compulsions.

I sabotage myself

Just to see if I can survive the intervention.

Is wrong that I live in a fantasy?

That some day everything will be the way I believe it should be,

My thoughts and my actions will be in sync.

I ignore the obligation to take care of myself.

I delude myself

Just to see if I can survive reality.

Is it wrong that sometimes I analyze my life for hours?

Until my mind goes numb

And I can't remember what started the criticism.

I think and I write.

I live for the self-degradation

Just to see if I remember why living matters.

Is it wrong that I break my own rules every once in a while?

I pay the price for irrationality

Until I start to love the chaos.

I painstakingly choose the path that avoids all fear.

I thrive in running from pain

Just to see if I can survive the regression.

Author's Note

the grammar could be better. I wish I cared enough to fix it:)

Reviews

[christopher fox]

Honest piece. I also enjoy the structure with asking the questions and then making the real statements. To me it seems like the process of analyzing, that you ask the question to yourself and then follow through with a statement to continue the analysis. Very nice.

[samanthaashley_]

definitely what I was going for! thanks for reading!

[Farrah]

Great effort ! While I could not describe how much I love it ! Hope you will be our winner!

[Brittany Zedalis]

It sounds like one hell of a life to live, honestly. Haha.

I don't see a problem with the grammar, but maybe that's just me.
I think this is very well done. There's nothing wrong with taking risks, which is what this seems like to me. Write on! :)

[K. Bridgid]

Definitely relatable. These are questions I often ask myself everyday. Also, just from personal experience as well, this seems like someone reflecting on their recent life decision, practically saying they know what they did was wrong but did it anyways because it's what they wanted to do in the moment. The way you wrote this is very poetic and easy to connect to. Definitely one of my favorite reads on here so far.

[Shawna]

Very intriguing poem, just begging for analysis lol. I think we all have these moments, in hope that this us all they are, moments. If we linger in these periods of trial and testing, we run the danger of getting stuck there. But we all need to test ourselves, test new waters, to see if we've grown, to see what we can handle. A thought provoking poem, I loved it.

[Erin Chenicek]

I really enjoyed reading this piece and was able to relate to it on several levels. It's very introspective and does a great job of conveying the self-destructive thoughts that often flicker through one's mind. I especially like the line "I live for the self-degradation just to see if I can remember why living matters."

[RiverRei]

I used to self sabotage also. I've learned that it just made me feel lonely and like a failure so I've stopped doing that. Since then, I've become a much happier person. I still deal with the depression on a daily basis, but I'm not making it worse with the self-sabotage. This is a great piece though, I feel like I know you a little better know. Thank you for sharing :)

[Carrie.]

It's got the essence of erratic thinking. You did a good job of capturing your emotional state. To be honest, I feel like you have a song here. It'd translate well with a melody.

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree and understand the poem.
"I painstakingly choose the path that avoids all fear.
I thrive in running from pain
Just to see if I can survive the regression."
Life is testing life, having fun and traveling. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Pushkar Prabhat]

twisted.......no nothing is wrong in that...........i do that all the time.......
amazing writing.....
i loved it!!!
:)

[Michelle Coleman]

Our delusions are grand, aren't they?

Is it wrong? Not likely. Healthy? Probably not. Socially excusable? By all means, yes.

There is so much self doubt in this piece while at the same time, excuses are made to validate the presence of toxic habits and attitudes. Your words are quite honest and vulnerable in the sense that you expose these imperfections where so many try their best to hide them by even grander delusions.

I wonder if the questions are for validating responses from others or yourself. Possibly both? You aren't alone.