Part 1: Chapter 6

Chapter 6

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.

“God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness?” Lora thought about this as it pertained to her life. 

“The light is good.” she thought. “But now the darkness has supreme power. The light is scarcely found now. But this book...this book contained some light, it seemed. Lora was surrounded by the green of the grass and the deep orange-red of the sun. And she was reading S.Z’s book. The work seemed familiar to Lora, as if she’d read it before, once upon a time. S.Z had finally convinced her to read it while she was surrounded by nature and the beauty that came with it. But this seemed like the retelling of a story...an important story.

God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning--the first day. And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning--the second day. And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good.

There was definitely something familiar about this. She called S.Z over, who had been laying in the shade with Tammy. “What is this, S.Z? Did you write this yourself?”

S.Z smiled. “Read it carefully, Lora. This is what everybody in the world needs to see right now. This is the truth, and it is not of my doing. You will understand why I wanted this book published for all to see. Why I wanted this book published over all others. In the darkness we are living today and tomorrow, this can act as a light.”

Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the third day. And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. God made two great lights--the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.

God made the stars? The same stars that hovered brightly in the sky each night? The same stars that governed the People in the dark of night? And the same stars that beautify what else is dark, and act as a small glimpse of light in the total darkness? Lora thought about how this concerned life on Earth, currently. They needed the light of the stars to shine within the darkness of the lost souls of America.

God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the fourth day. And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.

The beautiful blue of the waters were created by this God? Must be false. Must not be true. Lora waded her fingers through a rushing stream beside her. She pictured the enormity of a big, blue whale living peacefully in the ocean while above on land it was the exact opposite. God was responsible for this? What was S.Z going on about? Could he honestly believe any of it?

God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth."

What does “be fruitful” mean? This piece of writing was confusing her deeply. She didn’t understand the bit of it.

And there was evening, and there was morning--the fifth day. And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so.

Why was it so repetitive with this? How could one being create so much and with just the word of mouth? Surely this God was a wizard of sorts, if he was a true, living, being.

God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth,and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

What! God created the humans? Was he also responsible for the darkness that was disposing of them? Lora couldn’t believe that a God had created her. “What a hack!” she thought. She didn’t want to break it to S.Z that none of this could be true.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

Yes, definitely a wizard. Or maybe a big, powerful sorcerer that lives in the sky. Who really knows?

God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number;fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground--everything that has the breath of life in it--I give every green plant for food." And it was so. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day.

Lora bit into a large, juicy, piece of fruit that she couldn’t find a name for in her brain. So that was like, chapter 1 or something? How can you write a book about that? She called S.Z to her from in the shade with Tammy, once more.

“Listen, S.Z. I read the first part of your book. And...I can see why Gus and Goyle didn’t like it. I can’t find it in me to believe a single word of it. I don’t know how that can help anyone, or how that would make a difference in the world in any way. I mean, 'God created the Earth'...what are you talking about??”

S.Z opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped himself, looking over at Tammy. He cleared his throat.

“Do you not see?” He whispered to her. “Close your eyes, Lora. Close them. And just listen.

Lora did as she was told. S.Z took a deep breath. “Just listen, Lora. Do you not hear it? The voice of the nightingale bird, voicing its opinion through the sound of a beautiful song. The voice of the cool stream seeping into your inner soul. The voice of the blazing sun, its heat providing all the words you need to know. Nature has a voice, Lora. And our world, devoid of nature, needs to hear these voices. The reason for this being: it isn’t the voice of nature at all; it is the voice of God. That is what I believe. Let it sink in, Lora. God is the voice of the world that needs to be heard.” His eyes twinkled.

Lora inhaled deeply, then spoke. “Where did you get this nonsense from, S.Z?”

S.Z frowned. “First of all, it isn’t nonsense.” He looked her deep in the eye. “And I received this truth from the voice of God.”

Lora yawned. “Ok, well I’m going to change the subject. Why are you taking in a child? I haven’t had time to discuss that with you yet.”

S.Z’s face brightened. “Because she is a beautiful young girl, and I see something in her everyone else lacks. All these years living here has kept her sane, unlike the doom that lives outside this land. I love her, and I have loved her for a very long time. I saw her birth, and I also saw her mother killed that same day. She is a light, though she has lost much to darkness. And she is a daughter of God.”

S.Z called Tammy to him. Lora shook her head. She was now seeing S.Z in his true colors. He was a hack, a complete whack job.

Lora spoke to him. “Who do you think you are, S.Z? The ruler of the universe?”

S.Z looked sad. He squeezed Tammy’s shoulder, and looked to the clouds. “No, but I know who is.” he said.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

The use of God. Making the story strong and interesting. Using God make the story a wide open possibilities for topic. I like the thoughts leading to strong ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Tomoe Tellez]

Wow, I got really excited when I saw that the book S.Z. had was the Bible. It's my favourite book of all time. It's just that like the other writers said, inserting that part of the Bible in this chapter takes most of it up, if I were to rewrite this, I would start when Lora is reading the last sentence and then she discusses the content with S.Z. I would like to have he ask more questions about it, I mean anyone would have many questions even if they don't believe at first. And what happened to Tammy's grandfather, did they bury him? Also, this chapter made me like even more how you choose to tell the story through Lora's eyes because she sees the world after war and S.Z. still remembers it before the war. You're doing a great job with this novel.

[Stars and Whales]

Good suggestion. I'll put it in my future necessary edits list! thanks so much for your help!

[JMKane117]

I hope this helps. These are things I would do were I writing in your position, so they're not mandatory, but they are general things most writers do.

"Lora thought about this as it pertained to her life."
The line is very "telling". You should avoid that like the plague. You're telegraphing your intention to the readers about what you're going to do in this section rather than showing them how you're doing it. "As it pertained to her life" What part of her life? Be specific with an example and just get rid that line.

The other thing is that stuffing your chapter full of quotes from anywhere, even the Bible, will definitely not get you published, if that's your intent. As another reviewer said creating controversy with religion is a good idea and I agree it can work, but not necessarily like this. This read like a very long reflection piece.

A better approach might be if you used S.Z as the voice of the Bible and made him debate with Lora. Debate is a much better controversy. To be honest, I was bored all the way through because I'm not interested in learning about how false or inaccurate the bible is (which I already know). However, where the story really picked up and got interesting was when S.Z and Lora got on each others nerves with their opinions. As a reader, I'm much more interested in conflict between characters rather than ideology (I can watch the news for that). And I especially liked how Lora changed the subject to the child, but the tension didn't die. The little conversation between them at the end beat the rest of the story by a mile.

Again, I hope you find this review a fair critique of your chapter. I hope you can find value in this, even if you might disagree.

[Stars and Whales]

Thanks so much ! This is very helpful!

[SoberBunny]

Literally my favorite part of the bible next to Exodus, I'm not religious but it gets me every time. There is so much knowledge and power and meaning behind it, especially "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness," like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat there's more than just our Creator out there?!?!?!? But anyway I shall stop fangirling now lmao I'm not even a Christian I have no right. XD I just... I love my Higher Power and I love seeing other people love theres' without fear of critique. :3

SO. I loved how you described her getting beat up actually. I know that sounds terrible but that actually is how a beating goes down psychologically. It's common for a victim to go to another place during the trauma, where they're okay and everything is fine. Just a kudos from experience :) And the story is definitely going places. Personally I'm still sketchy the how and the why people are so nasty, it's vaguely reminiscent of what my brother always says when he finds a plot hole in my own story, "Because F you that's why." Like, I don't know maybe some research into group psychology or just psychology in general would help you here. Just, as a fan I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around a world where the 'People' don't want technology or nice things or happiness, because America today is geared solely towards that. We live in a very plush society, so an explanation of that 180 is still sort of lacking. The Massdeath idea is great, but who really enforces it? Because in reality, people don't go to battle or murder or violence thinking, "Hmm, wonder how this is gonna affect our species." Like that's just not something that happens in the heat of bloodlust. The Pinches obviously have some sort of domination going on, but personally I don't believe them as enforcers. They're wonderfully villainous, but more like the henchmen of the Joker rather than the Joker himself if you know what I mean. :) So just some explanations to think about when you go through with final edits and such. Other than that I think it's great and I can't wait to see how Lora handles the concept of spirituality in a world where man believes it is everything. *thumbs up*

[Stars and Whales]

This is so helpful! I'm going to make some edits and explanations with this! Thanks.

[SoberBunny]

No problem :)

[Bear]

My critique is a bit messy as I wrote them as they came in the story so I hope it is all understandable, so lets get to it. I still say you shouldn't use the .... to demonstrate a pause, but when you do you should at least put a space after the ....s so they are read as a pause and not slurred speech. The mass death thing is very popular now, even a few animation shows such as Rick and Morty have used it, so good idea. Some of the awkward wording now fits into the nonhuman character of the story so it works. Even when a character is talking or thinking to themselves you need to treat it as dialog and mark it as such so your readers don't take it for narration. Also some of the interaction between your characters is stiff, (think of captain Kirk's acting in the original star trek TV show) I don't know if that is what you are going for or not, I just wanted to mention it. You descriptive talents are still the strongest thing going for you, they alone could entertain your readers (crap-colored dirt) :~)
(and her face showed hints of a Chinese heritage) this could be taken as racist, best to play it safe and go with Asian heritage. Every good story needs some controversy and bringing religion into a story will always do the trick so once again good idea as long as you don't push it to the point of offense. Who ever you get to do your final edit is going to have their hands full with punctuation issues so be prepared to spend some time on that.
Review: I still find the story interesting and imaginative enough to keep me reading and that is the best thing a writer can here, keep doing what your doing as it seems to be working :~)

[Stars and Whales]

Thank you! This is very helpful!

[Calibaster]

I'm definitely agreeing with S.Z. On all of this. I liked this chapter a lot, and now can kinda see where you're going with all of this. Lengthen this out, as it is super important to the plot, I can tell. :) and you can probably tell I'm Christian.

Well done, I'm excited to see where you take this next.

Also, don't feel bad for all of the things I told you to fix, you're doing great, don't stop!

[Stars and Whales]

I definitely don't! Your critique has helped me immensely (or will help me tonight with editing). I am Christian too. Glad you can see where it is going, and I'm excited for many of my ideas I have.

[Stars and Whales]

Also, I'm trying to make S.Z the main character, but through Lora's eyes and perspective. Is that confusing?

[Calibaster]

No, it's actually a really cool idea, and if anyone can do it, it's you!

[Celie Rose]

We are all children of God and Lora does not seem to have a clue. Am not sure about how Lora feels about S.Z and Tammy...I don't know, maybe jealous? Keep writing. Good job!

[Stars and Whales]

Well, I'm trying to express how nobody has a clue about the truth in this time. Everyone is blind in the darkness, except for S.Z. Is this working for me? Please let me know. Thanks!

[Celie Rose]

It's working...please don't change anything. Am enjoying this.