Satire: Dogs vs. Cats

Satire: Dogs vs. Cats

A Story by Of Stars and Whales and Sam Bova
"

satire using cats and dogs to discuss ignorance and cynicism

"

Since the beginning of time, dogs and cats have roamed the Earth in the form of wild beasts, savage predators, innocent tail-waggers, demonic furballs, stubborn, drooling peabrains, and loyal companions. But deeper within the souls of these creatures there can be found a more ancient juxtaposition; that of ignorance through the eyes of a dog, and of cynicism through those of a cat. Ultimately, however, the place where these opposing outlooks can really be found is in the hearts of men, viewing the world through these two different lenses.


I have collected an assortment of written works by dogs and cats throughout history, ranging from long archives written on dusty scrolls to ancient ballads scrawled on fine white sheets to discrepant letters penned from cat to dog. 


It was difficult to find legible writings by a dog, for many of these animals were and are illiterate; but regardless, I scoured day and night deep into Smithsonian archives, looking for anything to help me better understand the realities and the impacts of ignorance and cynicism. 


It wasn’t until I met a kind, frail, ninety year old lady in Venice, Italy that I found something worth analyzing. Late at night she led me up into her overhead attic, lit by candle-light. She picked up a large book and brushed away a blanket of dust that rested upon it. The book contained a collection of letters from a dog who was an Italian noble, named Bartholomio, written to a European house-cat named Agnes, in September of 1691. 


(Excerpt from Sr. Bartholomio Crespi to Agnes Duddeley, translated from Italian to English) 

“Of my contemporaries I have found an outright refusal to acquire knowledge, almost an objection to any and all optimization of the richly educating resources they’ve been provided. As much as it sickens me to say it, cats may be better than dogs. I have tried to my utmost ability to find a reason to say otherwise, but my fellows allow themselves to wallow in their ignorance, almost as if bathing in a warm, comfortably dark cesspool because in it they are most contented. I watch, day by day, as humans and their servile dogs lazily toss around balls and sticks, and the dog is quite happy to retrieve the item without questioning its purpose, or its merit.” 


What I draw from this is a parallel to uneducated Americans who, just as the dog giddily retrieved the stick to make it feel wanted, would gladly be loyal and servile to a politician with a nice smile as a stimulus to their self-importance.


Now, before we take a look at a ballad written by Meow Angelou let me give you my pre-conceived take on cats. 


There’s something frighteningly real that exists in a cat, and you can see it in their golden gaze. It’s not comfortable, it’s not safe, but it’s genuine and true. I knew I couldn't trust trust the dark depths of those yellow eyes.


This was, of course, before I read Meow Angelou’s ballad. I saw all cats as the pinnacle of dangerous cynicism, dispassion, pride, and sadness. My thoughts ran like this: if cats looked like frogs or snakes everyone would agree on their cruelty and misery. But no, cats look good so they deserve to be treated like gods, right? Absolutely not. Here is the undiluted truth: the love you think your cat has for you doesn’t exist. Your cat doesn’t stay with you because it likes you, it stays because it believes it owns you and has to take care of you. It likes you about as much as all your school crushes have: not one bit. Cats are basically an abusive spouse, demanding your service but not really caring much about you at all. Throughout history cats have brought about nothing but evil and darkness; from Chairman Meow, to Meowsolini, to Adolf Kitler, cats are simply a repugnant species.


Now, maybe after reading that, you agree with me. But maybe Meow Angelou will change your mind like it did mine.


(Ballad, titled “The Whiskered Truth” by Meow Angelou)

“Black across an infinite sea, drowning in forever sand

The whiskered beast claws its way through the hellish land

It sees the dark infernal horrors

But it does not hide, it does not weep


It finds a way to seek and leap

It’s trouble enough to thoughtlessly bark

And worse to wag a tail at dark


It is certain that you won’t find truth

Swimming this dark sea with the doggy paddle

You’ll have to jump, and land on your feet 


For the great dark void is no place to be

Get up, get out, find the fantasy


Love exists, but its true form

Will not be found

In the wag of a tail or the comfortable lie of a woof”


To earn a cat’s true affection is a difficult task and a rewarding one. On the other hand, the heart of a dog is so easily won that it is no compliment to be idolized by a dog. A dog is like a prostitute, it just accepts anyone who gives it what it wants. A cat, on the other hand, is more sophisticated because it chooses its companions very particularly. In human form, most dogs would be blundering fools who talk a lot but give no meaning to their words. A cat in human form would be a cynical, deceitful philosopher or politician. 


In conclusion, the only purpose of a cat is to help us understand that you can love someone or something with all your heart and still have none of that reciprocated. Cats will play with your heartstrings and in the end only care about themselves. 


And when all’s said and done, have a heart like a dog while seeking the knowledge of a cat. 


© 2017 Of Stars and Whales and Sam Bova



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Featured Review

I had a cat once, and I have two dogs right now. This article is a pretty accurate description of them. Haha! :D
Nicely written. I like your conclusion at the end and the bit of humour you added throughout the whole piece. :)

You construct your sentences very eloquently and you're very articulate without being overly verbose.

Well done. :)

-Mari

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Of Stars and Whales and Sam Bova

3 Months Ago

Thank you! That means a lot



Reviews

A dog is like a prostitute - lol.
What wit!

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I had a cat once, and I have two dogs right now. This article is a pretty accurate description of them. Haha! :D
Nicely written. I like your conclusion at the end and the bit of humour you added throughout the whole piece. :)

You construct your sentences very eloquently and you're very articulate without being overly verbose.

Well done. :)

-Mari

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Of Stars and Whales and Sam Bova

3 Months Ago

Thank you! That means a lot
great story my friend,i see a book coming

Posted 3 Months Ago


well, this is wonderful and i am glad i came to read it, i must add that i adore dogs and intensely dislike cats who are never faithful to anyone and have far too many airs and graces. I think the ancient Egyptians revered cats, but give me a good old shaggy dog of any size and i will happily love it. Very well thought out and written i might add :)

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Of Stars and Whales and Sam Bova

3 Months Ago

Thanks a lot! That means a lot to me
Stella Armour

3 Months Ago

you are very welcome
Very beautifully written! I love the diction that you use and the unique spin you put on the age-old differentiation between dogs and cats! The slight humor in naming 'great' cats got me chuckling while the overall message kept me interested in the ending. I was not disappointed.

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Of Stars and Whales and Sam Bova

3 Months Ago

Thank you!

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Added on August 29, 2017
Last Updated on August 29, 2017
Tags: dogs cats satire story

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Of Stars and Whales and Sam Bova
Of Stars and Whales and Sam Bova

Middle Earth, The Shire



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"Even Darkness Must Pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer." -Samwise Gamgee I love to write, and I hope to become a published writer some day. I ho.. more..

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