so long a Mail

A Story by Abeni

Chapter four (Chery on top)

But he did no such thing, to a point he felt relieved. It was over but I wasn't going to let that happen. I didn't want it to be over, this wasn't the perfect happily ever after.
I couldn't believe he wasn't ready to fight to us, I blamed myself for trying to get his attention by breaking up with him. Sometimes I convinced myself that I was better off without him. Months went by and I still wasn't over him, then he decided to have "the talk" he didn't want us together because he wasn't going to be back in over 5 years, yes! That was his excuse. He said he still had feeling for me and we could find a solution. I was so excited, at least it was a step he was willing to take. Things seemed normal a couple of days then he disappeared once again. This time he was gone for over a month, not a word from him and when we finally spoke it was a very casual conversation. I was lost molly; and I needed answers. It was about two months after we had "the talk". I just wanted to know where I stood, I remember I had an exam that morning, and his reply practically tore me into pieces. He wasn't ready for "commitments" , that wasn't the hurtful part though what hurt the most was that he didn't have the decency to tell me earlier, he just left me hanging like a bat awaiting nighttime . He left me hanging I was just too hurt. My heart was literally broken. I just laid there in bed for days, I got upset for no reason, and food became the only thing that made me smile, I couldn't stand men; they automatically made me sick but despite all this i still couldn't get myself to hate him. I remember telling Sadia how I wish I was a lesbian feminist and she just laughed, I spent months feeling sorry for myself, blaming myself for scaring him off, nothing seemed worth while anymore. I felt like the lord had turned his back on me and that I would probably end up alone with 28 cats like aunt pearl. I didn't even get a happy birthday message, and that was just the height of all his shenanigans,lord knows how many asses and bitchiness I had to put up with for his birthday. he suddenly sent me a text out of the blues two weeks later like an uninvited spirit wishing me happy birthday. Saying sorry didn't change anything; actually it helped me realise a lot. I was laying in bed one afternoon listening to Cris Williamson's " the changer and the changed" when it suddenly hit me; what was I doing being depressed? Feeling sorry for myself was something the old me found unacceptable. I mean I wasn't a bad person and if he didn't want to be with me that was his loss, a very huge loss at that.