This world (Poem)

" This world..."

I am lost in my own world

Struggling to find a shade of light

It's like I've taken a sudden twirl

Giving up without a fight

Narnia or Hogwarts ain't the place

Much greater and darker than that

It's more like an empty space

For a person who's a brat

      Tasting those salty tears in my mouth

      Unable to be happy, praying to die 

      Watching darkness fade in while the sun fades out

      So quickly, there's not enough time to say bye

      All the color running away

      Just like The Giver

      I, trying my best to pray

      But always interrupted by a shiver

This is the world I'm in

Has anyone else ever been in it?

Feel their skin tear apart by a pin

Too much for them to admit

Cause' I've been in this world way too long

As it holds me like it's a captor

It's brunt really strong

Trying to end my chapter

By: MrWriter (Shaan)

Reviews

[emipoemi]

Ho-ly, this is profound! I dare say, it seemed at times you were rhyming for rhyme's sake (an acknowledged faux pas in poetry), and the musicality wobbled here and there (musicality takes from how the poem flow from its first stanza, but there are also ways to measure it at the beginnings of each individual stanza....so if you're going to modulate, to use a musical expression, it's best to do so in the first two lines, and follow that flow in the remaining lines, otherwise it sounds a bit off). Well done overall! I especially enjoyed the last line - brilliant last line!

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Emi! :) I really appreciate all the feedback and amazing reviews :)

[emipoemi]

You're quite welcome. It's my pleasure.

[Jessica Lima]

We have different views on Narnia and Hogwarts I don't view it as dark, but you talk of a place 'much darker than that'. All in all I enjoyed the poem. Can't wait to see what you have been working on the few weeks I was away.

[Mr.Writer]

Lol thank you Jessica! :)

[L.C. Jarrette]

I am lost in my own world
Struggling to find a shade of light

This is the world I'm in
Has anyone else ever been in it?

=> i also had that kind of feeling before. but when i finally realized my purpose in life, i felt grateful that i was born and everything makes sense now. i was able to touch other peoples lives as well. this poem is wonderful. i know you'll find the answers someday.

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you L,C! :)

[Mr.Writer]

I'm glad you've recovered from those feelings :)

[Sinbulvinter]

I really like the structure you used for this, flows really nicely. The feelings are very well expressed, and relatable to me.
Great job here!

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you Sinbul! :)

[Bear]

Well constructed, it has a natural flow that makes it almost reads its self. A good mix of strong statement and supporting lines, to many people fill their poems with nothing but statement lines over powering the poem so they have little or no flow. You also offer a good moral without sacrificing emotional content, well done Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Bear! :)

[Kesha]

Like your poem says, it's just one chapter you still have the whole book to go! Wonderful piece :)

[Mr.Writer]

Yep, we have the whole book left! Thank you Kesha! :)

[Kesha]

You're welcome! :)

[Zephyr]

I have felt like this many times.
So it is a bit emotional.
Your poems are really deep exposing you as an experienced poet:)
Great work

[Mr.Writer]

Really sorry about that Nesha, I hope you've recovered ever since then :) I also used some of my emotional experiences as well in this poem
Thank you! :)

[Zephyr]

So nice of you Shaan
I am recovering and hope you have too:)

[Mr.Writer]

That is very awesome! I'm really happy for you :)

[Zephyr]

Glad to know:)

[Abhishek Asthana]

so realistic one... I really like the flow of the poem... the content is also nice... fabulous work shaan :)

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you Abhishek! :)

[Wajiha Nayeem]

wonderful...shaan, loved your write!

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you Wajiha! :)

[Coyote Poetry]

The world is okay. Far from perfect. Manchester was a action to create fear. We cannot know fear. Many hateful people want to create separation and hate. Today kids. Too many wars, terror trying to create separation. I went to a charity food bank activity. 200 volunteers and people lined-up to help. Manchester stopped and help their people. You and I. Must find worthwhile things to keep us okay. A powerful words and thoughts.
Coyote

[Mr.Writer]

Very true Coyote!
What happened in Manchester was huge! People have died while we sometimes complain on petty things that don't always matter.
Thank you so much!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome my friend.