Celestial Bodies

Celestial Bodies

A Poem by Darian B.

Beauty. Intelligence. Kindness.
Three traits converge upon a celestial body to create life
Three glorious qualities in an even more glorious person.
-- Beauty and grace pale to you.
Intelligence and wisdom fail to understand you.
Kindness and charity could never be so giving.
And I...
-- I could spend my whole life thinking,
Spend my life wondering,
Spend it trying...
And yet NEVER-- will I ever, find a way to describe you that actually does you justice
And I could spend my time searching,
Always looking...
Yet I could never find a soul as precious as yours.
And that's the hardest part...
Because you could live your life listening,
Trying to understand
The thought is hopeless...
You never will know
Just how much you mean to me.
And you will never grasp
The length I would go to be with you

And so I know I can never be with her.
She has no idea the love I feel
-- Because she doesn't feel it back
She can't understand what I see in her
-- She doesn't let herself feel that way
And yet I would give up my life
If in some small way, it would fix hers
I'd break every bone in my body
To give her the strength to go on,
I would live a life of misery
If it ensured her happiness
--and I would throw away EVERYTHING
I hold dear to me,
---Just say goodbye and go
If it in any way, showed her how much she means to me

And so I could spend my life dying
Spend my time trying
Go around the world flying
Though I can never be free
--She'll always be a part of me

© 2016 Darian B.


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Author's Note

Darian B.
Sorry I haven't posted anything in a little while. I usually write when I need to let out emotion and recently I haven't needed but I'm starting to need to again. Hope you like it

My Review

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Featured Review

I can definitely tell that there's a strong spoken-word influence in your works (you told me that one time), and this piece is no exception. All throught this poem, you use a conversational tone to convey your emotions, which gives it a "raw" feeling that in my opinion, adds a sense of sincerity to it.

The main thing that I can critique is the last stanza. I must say that the last stanza flows very well and has a very smooth rhyme scheme, but it lacks in it's meaning. Why is that? Take a look at the second-to-last line; you use the word "but," which signifies contrast. The problem is, the things that come before and after the word "but" don't contrast with each other, or they at least don't do so to a point that conveys meaning to the reader. In the first three lines of the last stanza, I'd suggest saying things that show the utter hell you'd go through to be with her or something else that makes it hard to believe that "she'll still be the only one for you," all while still conveying your love and her beauty. I'd give an example of what I'm talking about, but I'm tired, and I'm surprised I could type a review this long. I'll gladly give an explanation of what I mean in the morning if you want me to. But now, I going to bed.

-William Liston
(P.S. I loved your punctuation in this. I apoligize for any typos in this review).

Posted 7 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Darian B.

7 Years Ago

So I finally found something I think will be a bit more powerful. I agree with what you said about n.. read more
William Liston

7 Years Ago

Yes. I like the way you ended it, but for the sake of keeping a flow, I'd suggest saying "She'll" in.. read more



Reviews

I see your content is love sick. I often find if that's true it's a subconscious direction you're headed in the wrong way. However, I feel for you and I can understand the pattern of your writing. However I see that your poetry isn't written with a rhyme or with fluid notions. Reading will help this.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Darian B.

7 Years Ago

Please read this understanding that I only write it as an explanation and there is no anger or bitte.. read more
A honest tone to the words and I like the need and the want of the words.
"I would live a life of misery
If it ensured her happiness
--and I would throw away EVERYTHING
I hold dear to me,
---Just say goodbye and go
If it in any way, showed her how much she means to me "
Real love is like the words above. When attained. Never forgotten. Thank you Darian for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 7 Years Ago


I am smiling at your poem

Well
she must be lucky
most women would wish to be that lucky

i know i would

beautiful

Posted 7 Years Ago


This is super romantic but also super sad. Really love this!

Posted 7 Years Ago


Darian B.

7 Years Ago

My life in a nutshell ;) thank you for the kind words though, it means a lot!
Papaya

7 Years Ago

My pleasure, good poem.
Okay, first off, I really like this poem's structure. The depth of your feelings and commitment to your celestial goddess cannot be doubted. I like the lines, "Beauty. Intelligence. Kindness. Three traits converge upon a celestial body to create life..." because they are kind of a summary of what you expand on in the rest of the writing. I read William's review about the last stanza. I see you changed it. I have decided to endeavor to try and not use the word " Why? Well, it seems to short and does not convey much information. I prefer words like, "nevertheless, nonetheless, even so, however, still, notwithstanding, despite that, in spite of that, though, and although." There are other options, but you get the idea. These words convey more than just a contrast, well at least to me; they do. Try those options with your line, "But I can never be free..." and let me know what you think.

I would say overall, I love this poem, and I can see the emotions you are so clearly are showing; however, if you decide to expand the last stanza, I feel that could better convey the torture you would go through for her. (big grin noticed I did not use "but")

Well done.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Darian B.

7 Years Ago

Haha, I really like that idea of not using "but" and I think if I can avoid it in the future, it wil.. read more
Thank you HL, for making me read this. Excellent work. Heart lightening

Posted 7 Years Ago


I absolutley love this poem! It has to be one of your best! The emotion hits like a bullet with every word read, a story many can relate to, a poem of art.

Posted 7 Years Ago


I can definitely tell that there's a strong spoken-word influence in your works (you told me that one time), and this piece is no exception. All throught this poem, you use a conversational tone to convey your emotions, which gives it a "raw" feeling that in my opinion, adds a sense of sincerity to it.

The main thing that I can critique is the last stanza. I must say that the last stanza flows very well and has a very smooth rhyme scheme, but it lacks in it's meaning. Why is that? Take a look at the second-to-last line; you use the word "but," which signifies contrast. The problem is, the things that come before and after the word "but" don't contrast with each other, or they at least don't do so to a point that conveys meaning to the reader. In the first three lines of the last stanza, I'd suggest saying things that show the utter hell you'd go through to be with her or something else that makes it hard to believe that "she'll still be the only one for you," all while still conveying your love and her beauty. I'd give an example of what I'm talking about, but I'm tired, and I'm surprised I could type a review this long. I'll gladly give an explanation of what I mean in the morning if you want me to. But now, I going to bed.

-William Liston
(P.S. I loved your punctuation in this. I apoligize for any typos in this review).

Posted 7 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Darian B.

7 Years Ago

So I finally found something I think will be a bit more powerful. I agree with what you said about n.. read more
William Liston

7 Years Ago

Yes. I like the way you ended it, but for the sake of keeping a flow, I'd suggest saying "She'll" in.. read more

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8 Reviews
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Added on June 26, 2016
Last Updated on June 29, 2016
Tags: Celestial, beauty, kindness, love

Author

Darian B.
Darian B.

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This place is my home of understanding. The place I go when I want to understand and be understood. I live in darkness but try to exude light, thank you for stopping by :) more..

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