My Asylum

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My Asylum

 

Ranting alone to the four walls

lucid thoughts dissipate in the dark

 heart soul and mind

conjoined but not in uniscience

contrived yet not convinced

mute yet maligned

controversial conversation

with myself and yet

I always seem to lose

the battle of silent words

both minds raging onward

in the darkness

where black shines brightly

 silence is deafening

 you

the driving force

bringing me to this place

lost between two worlds

 heart and mind at odds

forever keeping my love

locked away in

my asylum

 

aka shallimarRose

 

uni-science…don’t know if that is the right spelling

meaning all together…all in one, all science in one place

Author's Note

Feel free to comment/critique..

Reviews

[William J. Marsh]

Once again you have beautifully worded such an awful place to be.

[shallimarRose]

LOL I think auto spell check got you.. or at least I hope it did.. lol
You meant Awesome maybe? lol
Thanks for reading.. shallimarRose

[Ciara Di Salle]

I' just going to take this opportunity to let you know that I love your work! This is wonderful, it's a really accurate depiction of aggressive or twisted inner dialogue, and the centred presentation and placement of verse is vey effective.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you very much for reading and the nice compliment.. Rose

[rubie]

Part of the torment of heartbreak comes from the disassociation between heart and mind. They are at odds with each other where passion is concerned.

A touching and profound piece.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Rubie.. xo Rose

[Einstein Noodle]

alone with our thoughts and feelings can be an impossible battle. add deepening levels of anxiety and one can never sort things out. great disappointment and depression lock things up...love your poem..i feel the pain...
E.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Sye

[bobc]

R...have to think about this one. I'll come back to it later...bobc

[shallimarRose]

i know it is a bit out of sink but i was in a dark place and my heart wrote as it did. thank you I look forward to your thoughts.. xo

[bobc]

R...I can see the dark place certainly and how heartfelt it is to you. My comments here are about this as a poem and shouldn't be taken in any other way. After several re-reads, I think I have a better understanding of what was bothering me. (Your 'out of sync' feeling is probably an important sign. You might be feeling it too.) So, bear with me here, because I think two things may be contributing to this.

First was the was a device used...'but not' and 'yet not'. I understand you feel a connection between the word pairings but they didn't seem very clear at all to me, even opaque in one case...'conjoined but not in uniscience' (?), 'contrived yet not convinced' (?), 'mute yet maligned' (?), '...controversial conversation' (an argument...yes?). I think i get what you're trying to do but it may need a little more work to make the connections more apparent.

Second, there are subtle shifts of perspective in here that threw me off. The first 10 lines the viewer is speaking about themselves. Then, in line 11, you introduce 'both minds' and later an emphatic 'you' suggesting there's another person here. (I initially considered 'both minds' might mean you were 'of two minds' so to speak but the emphatic 'you' said it was someone else to me.) Then a line or two later, you refer to your own 'heart and mind' and, I thought, this is an internal thing...there's no one else...and you're deeply conflicted about something.

There's something good in here but I couldn't put my finger on what exactly was bothering me. Whether it's my own writing or someone else's, unclear word connections and unexpected perspective changes do this to me every time....the latter is often a verb tense thing with me, from past to present for example.

Hope this helps a little...bobc

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Bob.. I'm not of sound mind tonight/morning either so I will go in and look at it more later but es it is an internal infliction but caused by a third party .. "heart soul and mind" all of one body but not connected somehow...
"contrived yet not convinced" contrived ..my meaning here is planned or calulated yet not convinced myself...
"mute yet maligned" Was not sure about this one... Maligned.. to speak evil of someone or make stupid statements..?

controversial conversation
with myself and yet
I always seem to lose" The battle is between mind and heart so the two minds is in error.. should be mind and heart..
I am having computer issues.. (maybe WC issues) having trouble editing.. It keeps kicking me off.. Any other thoughts? And thank you.. Rose

[bobc]

Of course, I have other thoughts here. (smiling as I write this) First things first...get the computer issues sorted out. TTYL...bobc

[shallimarRose]

I redid the poem but cannot edit here.. or on any of my poems on either computer.. I have messaged admin help.. Thanks Bob..

[ron]

This is a lonely place and the one that took you there should be drawn and quartered.