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Raped by a friend..A Night of betrayal, a lifetime of Pain

Raped by a friend..A Night of betrayal, a lifetime of Pain

A Story by shallimarRose
"

True story.. Writing through the pain. Thank you for taking the time.. sR

"

 Flash backs began again in March of 2010 for some reason after so many years of silence.  There are still a lot of puzzle pieces I cannot entirely fit together.. a lot of dots that still do not connect.   Sometimes my memories of that night come to the forefront of my mind and they are hard to face.   I know from experience that the only way for me is to face them and to just let them out.  This is something that keeps me down and I really need to let go of this week before the depression gets any worse.  The sound of my own silence is sometimes deafening and the heart feels hollow.

I originally wrote and posted parts of this back on MySpace back in 2010 when the flashbacks and darkness began.  It was very difficult for me to write about it then and still it is not easy for me because memories and tears always fill my eyes along with my pages even now after all these years.     I had seldom spoken of this but I hoped telling this story would help me release some of these feelings that lay heavy on my mind and heart and it did for awhile but it always comes back to haunt me..   I also posted hoping maybe it might help others to understand how these date rape drugs work so if it ever happens to them they can recognize it sooner than I did.  Sometimes I feel I just need to write it down because it feels like it kind of gets it out of my head for awhile, but just for awhile.


This happened in 1971 but the memories and the realization and magnitude of what happened did not begin to reveal itself to me until almost a year later.  They came in dark fragments, in bits and pieces.  That's the way the "Spanish Fly" or now the "date rape drug" often works......



blank memories

that night devour my consciousness
it was the little something
slipped into my drink
I blamed myself for the emptiness

my lack of recollection defied reasoning
four hours deleted from my memory card

when only darkness filled my head

one by one they began to surface

 flashbacks of that night

coming in the night

flashes of unbearable disturbance
 when I could feel him there once again
350 pounds of him on my 95 pound frame

........sometimes
I still hear the sound of his voice

smell the over powering stench

his cologne mixed with sweat

maybe mixed with the scent of sex

I hear the muffled laughter

.......I still cringe
he was not alone in his hunger
the two of them, brothers
taking from me what was not theirs to take

robbing me of my dignity

my self-worth suffering still to this day

I feel the burn of the scarlet letter

they branded my self image forever

I can almost see his face even now

my so called friend
I shutter at memories
and I wish they were still blank

sometimes I crave the nothingness

wishing again my mind to just go

blank...

 


bj smith

aka shallimarRose




He watched me as I cared for my own recently born baby girl. 

I could feel him staring at my engorged breasts but I could not fathom what was going through his sick mind.   He stopped by my house after work to tell me my friend (his wife) had finally given birth to their new son by C-section and was in the hospital.  He asked me  if I would come help him clean and disinfect the house getting it ready for the return of his wife and their new baby coming home from the hospital in just a few days. They were friends of ours and so I readily said yes. How could I even imagine what he had planned.

 

I took my newborn baby with me as I was still breast feeding her.  I entered their home and put the infant seat with my four month old daughter on the kitchen table and went about scrubbing down the nursery.  I barely finished the baby's room and began the bathroom.  I went back downstairs to check on my daughter who had been sleeping.  It was a sweltering day In day nearing the end of September.   He came over and asked if I wanted something cold to drink. I had been working hard and was thirsty so I said yes.  I expected water or maybe a coke but he brought me a  bottle of right time which was kind of a flavored beer.   Just one drink that I never even finished.  Soon after the first few sips I began feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach. The room was spinning and my legs felt like collapsing.

He told me to go lay on the couch because I was so disoriented.   I staggered to the sofa. I distinctly remember keeping my feet flat on the floor. Mom use to always tell us girls "keep your feet flat on the floor and you will be alright".   I sat in the corner of the sofa and laid my head on the corner armrest cushion. That was the last thing I remembered.

About four hours later I was awoken by yelling when my then estranged husband showed up screaming at me. I felt so ill and I could tell I had vomited.  He was furious at me for having the baby there so late. He didn't even suspect a thing, how could he? Even I did not know or suspect at that point what had happened. I was too sick and four hours of my life were just gone.. missing.


I did not remember what transpired that night and I wish it had remained that way. Not eating and being on tranquilizers due to the messy divorce I was going through I thought maybe the mix of the tranqs and the one drink? Well maybe that was why I was drawing a blank.  Where did those four hours go?  Why was the cleaning never finished? What happened there that night? I could feel the uncomfortable feeling the next morning. Had sex occurred? He called me on the phone and told me that I had gotten so drunk and it was consensual sex.  It made no sense.. I didnt even finish one drink how could I be that intoxicated?  He told me I told him I wanted him.. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't stand the fat slob but somehow he managed to put doubts in my head because of my medications... He was married to my friend and so I never said a word. I didn't want to hurt her and I still was trying to sort things out. Figure out what happened.  Days and weeks and months past but still I could not fill in the blank pages of that evening.  None of the puzzle pieces fit. About eight months to a year later they began... little flashes of light, of memories, flashbacks.

The flashbacks came...I began to remember bits and pieces.

I remembered him asking me what I would do if he came over to me on the sofa and kissed me. Asking me if I had ever been with a large man before(large I think meaning heavy, overweight).  I could hear his questions but I could never hear my answers and so I blamed myself. I actually felt guilty because his wife was a friend of mine but the question remained in my head. Why would he have even asked me such questions when I was so sick unless he knew something I didn't?  Over the next year or so the flashes of memories continued to grow becoming more and more real and larger than life. I began to remember certain things, things that really bothered me

One day I came across an article on the "Spanish Fly". I was young and naive and did not know what they were. Suddenly it all made sense. Suddenly I knew exactly what had happened that night and
why just a few sips of a drink could render me so helpless. I couldn't remember everything, still pieces of that night are missing but I remembered enough to know it was certainly not consensual.  I remembered him being there so heavy on my small framed body and at this same time his brother came in the door. Instead of saying something to stop it he bent down leaned over the sofas side and began sticking his tongue down my throat. I uncontrollably kissed him back. I had never met his brother before and would never had done that but my memory of kissing him back was so strong, one of them on top the other kissing me at the same time. Every memory that night was so out of character for me. I had only ever been with one man (my husband). I heard voices, they were chuckling and muffled. I could not make out their words. I wanted to stop them but I felt powerless and there was an overwhelming willingness from the drug. I had no control over my own body and mind, no choice but to give in to whatever they wanted. I can remember my arms feeling heavy and I couldn't lift them. My head was spinning, I wanted to yell out but no words came. I had no power whatsoever to stop myself from giving in. I was rendered completely helpless and it was an awful thing to recall, the two of them there having there fill.. not remembering fully what they did to me, what they may have forced me to do..  

 

The worst part of that night for me though? not knowing where my baby girl was during these four hours.. She was only four months old. Was she safe, crying, wet, hungry? I guess I will never have the answers I need and so I sometimes drop into PTSD depression. The memories? Sometimes they fade away for awhile and I can almost forget it ever happened but other times like the past few months I cannot get the blinding flashes out of my head....and it feels like they are brand new memories, it feels like it happens over and over again. 


No, I never reported it because by the time I was certain what happened it would have been too late, I had no proof. Also in those days it was often the victim that was blamed.  I know they would have said I should not have been at his house alone. Mom would have said that too..  Then there was the shame and humiliation I would have faced and what about my friend?  How do you tell someone a year after the fact that their husband drugged and raped you?  This overwhelming pain and shame that I still bare..   Up until 2011 I never told anyone about the rape in my family, not even mom and I never penned a word of it . Suddenly in 2010 the words wouldn't stop flowing from my bleeding heart and soul and they continue to bleed ink.

 

 

 

When I began writing about all this in 2010 it was in hopes that  maybe releasing the pain after all these years through my writing might be a way to try and rid them from my mind again.. finally give me some peace.  It does work for a little while but then they start again, the flashbacks I mean.  They come back every now and again and I find myself trying so hard to fill in the blanks spaces that I still have and it makes me physically ill.

 

Last year in a bout of depression and uncontrollably crying I confessed everything to my mother.. I never got professional help.


My writing is therapeutic whether I post it or not however it will be well worth writing and posting if this helps even just one teen or women to recognize these things if this ever happens to her. Or helps one person suffering to call someone to talk to.

I ran into his wife years later at a baby shower and found out they were divorced and he was serving a long prison sentence for attempted murder. Perhaps I was one of the fortunate ones as awful as that sounds. I told my friend everything and she seemed not at all surprised......we made peace with each other that night but I have never spoken to her again.  Oddly enough I found myself looking at the prison release dates and his 25 years was up in 2011.  

 

 

If you or someone you know have been a victim of rape sexual abuse or want more information about date rape drugs and their effects on women go to woman's health.gov (link below) or... 

 

Search for a local rape crisis center/sexual assault help ...

 

or call the sexual assault crisis center hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (free)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                women's health hotline 1-800-994-9662

6:00 am to 6:00 pm Monday through Friday

 

 

Related writing see also :    In the form of a Pill..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For more shallimarRose Poetry titles visit my table of contents in my blog...

 

Bits of Me...Table of Contents by title...

 

 

 

© 2017 shallimarRose


Author's Note

shallimarRose
I was second guessing this one here.. whether I should I leave it up, will it help me cope? Will it even it make any sense to you if you read? I sent rr out on this one in a moment of weakness. but now I am glad I did. the feedback here is uplifting and helping me in ways I could not see coming.

If you read this in it's entirety Thank you
Feel free to RR this to your friends if you want to..

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Featured Review

Your story is sad and true for many woman. Most cases are not reported. Which is sad. In the old world was worst. Thank you for sharing the story and you need to ensure your story reaches out to all woman. Woman must scream out when they are raped. Thank you for writing the story.
Coyote

Posted 10 Years Ago


4 of 4 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

I think you and I are close in age. Yes in those days if we told the victim was blamed most of the t.. read more



Reviews

I am so sorry this has happened. It seems like lately you can't trust anybody. I hope that you can heal from your past and fly to the future. Never think that you're just a doll with no worth; think that you're someone who shines brighter than diamonds. Never forget that. I hope you can find somebody who finds you like that too.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's a shame how often this happens these days

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Thank you FreeFlight for your very sweet words and for stopping to read. shallimarRose
This is so heart breaking and tragic. You are so brave to post this. You are such an inspiration, and I will definitely share this with the women I know that have been in similar situations as yourself. Stay strong, God bless!

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Thank you Mia, I think at this point that's what it's all about now. Trying to use this experience .. read more
Mia C.

10 Years Ago

You're very welcome!!! And yes, indeed it is!
[send message][befriend] Subscribe
Tks
I have never been through what you have been, and I shall not pretend that I know what it is like. You are the epitome of bravery, a symbol of strength, and courage personified. My best wishes are with you, as well as my utmost respect. Good day

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Thank you TK. I am overwhelmed by the support I have been getting here. Your words humble me. Writi.. read more
Sorry you had to experience such a traumatic event. It's unfortunate that it happens to women in life. You're very brave for sharing your pain with others. I hope in the near future that you'll be fulled healed emotionally. I'm truly sorry this happened to you Rose. Take care & overcome your pain so you can help others do the same.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Thank you Brian .. Im trying. Right now every day is a challenge but its getting a little easier. .. read more
I am really glad that you shared your story and your struggle with us. Knowing that there are people out there who do these evil things to others makes me feel sad and furious at the same time.
TRUE RESPECT TO ALL OF THE WOMEN. And, yeah, shallimarRose!! thanks for sharing ,once again...


Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Thank you for reading Bimash.. shallimarRose
This is extremely personal and it must have been so hard for you to share this with anyone. Predators like that fat man (yes i'm going to resort to calling him that because I cannot express how angry I feel in words at the moment) belong in jail. It sucks that he's getting out or gotten out. I understand why you would keep it from your friend, his wife and how slowly remembering things over the years felt like slow torture, sometimes the act itself isn't as bad as living with the memory of it. I can only say this that through our minute interactions on this social platform I can certainly tell you that you're a wonderful person and often bad things happen to wonderful people, deep down inside I know it still hurts but I see how strong you are and you might not see this but i'm standing up and saluting your strength as you've lived through this nightmare most of your life but now you've written about it, you're helping other people with that amazing message and link to get help, talk to someone.. take action!
People like you make this world a better place, this s****y filthy world.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Thank you cynic. Your comment right now right at this particular moment brings me to tears at 1:00 a.. read more
I felt really sad after reading this one.....what u must have gone through.....no one knows it better than you.....but.....seriously.....you are a very strong person.....and I am INSPIRED BY YOU! Just stay strong, and may God bless you!

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Thank you Flutterby for reading and the kind words.. shallimarRose
Flutterby aish

10 Years Ago

Welcome!
This was a very powerful and inspiring story! I hope you can get through whatever your feeling, and find someone to help you! Stay strong!

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Thank you wild heart.. Im tryng and this is helping me.. shallimarRose
You have done a great job of writing.

This is a very compelling and interesting piece, well written with a strong, clear voice and easy to read.

A poem like this is a lesson, because hope lives by each of us with eyes closed believing in the goodwill of others..

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Thank you Squinks for reading ..
BJ...PTSD never does stop......lessening of the closeness of the experience gets a bit further away/the actual event becomes more and more internalized...but by now you know these things...I have been compelled to travel in the astral out of body experience...to escape the same feelings of self hatred
and the family who never understood....only those of us who have been thru the experience know the what and how of the reactions and the trauma scars left ....I love that your writing about breast cancer and rape and PTSD works for you...can't say it does me any good at all...except to distance me from the perpetrators in my case....I no longer feel the shame I once did in their presence...you write so well on the subjects and share so openly...I know how difficult that must be,,,and if it purges the poison from your soul..for even a little time..keep doing it..I know others like me will see a fellow victim and discuss it then....ty for letting me share and if you ever want the whole story..just ask Me...Laury
ps..I usually sign My blogs or comments with" safe hugs"...something Ive learned from groups...

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Laury thank you for this. I know you and I have shared stories before and so I know you totally unde.. read more
Larry Dyson

10 Years Ago

"safe hugs" Rose

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2228 Views
45 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on September 18, 2013
Last Updated on August 15, 2017
Tags: betrayed, rape, fear, depression, dreams, flashbacks, betrayal, hatred

Author

shallimarRose
shallimarRose

F W, WA



About
I am a singer, writer, poet, dreamer, believer..... I am an unconventional poet who has been writing rhyme since the age of five. I enjoy all styles of poetry. I write by ear not syllable count .. more..

Writing
Broken Broken

A Poem by shallimarRose



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