That Evening

Believe.

“You’re late”, Jane said angrily.

“You know my excuses love” said David with a smile on his face.

“I hate workaholics” said Jane.

“But you love me and I have all the rights to make excuses” he said and kissed her cheeks “Happy birthday love”.

“Thank you” she looked at his hands “Flowers! Again? When will you stop being so lame with gifts?”

“As if you will accept anything else” he frowned.

“Well, you know…..” Jane continued “but you are the one who is late, you don’t get to be sarcastic mister” she laughed.

David smiled.

“I know you don’t like me coming here at this hour but I had no other option, the year is about to end and you know how things take turn” David said apologetically.

“I understand” she said looking at him.

There was a moment of silence. It was a cold December evening and Christmas was few days away. Both of them sat there with a lot of emotions but no words to transpire. Suddenly, the cold breeze gave way to words.

“You have reduced your visits nowadays” Jane continued “are you seeing someone else?” she said in jest.

“Yeah, 10 women right now. What do you think I do at work?”

Both of them laughed.

“Jokes apart, I have reasons” he said.

“Mom?”

“Yes” he replied.

“I know why she would have asked you to lower your visits.” She sighed.

“She is still mad at you. And I think its fine.” He said

“Are you mad at me?” she asked

He looked at her and realized how much he loved her. He then said “I could never be mad at you. I know you tried your best to stay” he continued “Hey it’s your birthday, these things can be discussed some other time.”

“How is Ben?” she inquired.

“He is fine. He enjoys his studies. Something I could never do.”

They laughed.

“Although” he continued “he got into a fight last week.”

“Why?” she asked anxiously.

“Some kid at school broke his crayons.”

“Kids….” She sighed.

“He said he would visit you soon. I wanted to bring him today but I thought it was better to leave him with mom today. At least her grandson keeps entertained. She isn’t at her best today.” He said.

“I understand. How is mom btw?” she asked.

“She is fine. She knows how to keep herself busy, running a school keeps her occupied throughout the day.” He continued “Although I make breakfast for her everyday just so that we can talk. Other than that we hardly converse throughout the day.”

“She takes her own time to get used to things, I know that too. Since dad passed away she has always been cranky”

“You must know her better; she is the one who bought you into this world” he concluded.

They both looked at each other after a brief moment of silence. They missed each other.

“You look nice in that shirt” she pointed at the collar of his shirt under the jersey.

“I know” he smiled.

He held her hand and looked at her.

“I don’t really mind you not visiting me that often as earlier. I think it’s for the best that we see less of each other.” She said.

“It’s hard for me to control” he said with his eyes wet.

“I don’t want you to stop visiting me love, but it’s for the best that we at least try.” She said as she held his hand firmly.

His phone rang. It was 7:30 P.M., and he had to reach home by 8.

“Need to leave?” Jane asked with a sad face.

“Your mom probably won’t let me enter if I am late today. She is cooking.” He replied.

He looked at her and said “I think I should leave.”

“Yeah, you should.”

David wished to stay but he knew he had to go. He didn’t have much of a choice.

“It’s chillier in here” he said.

“Well I am used to the place” she smiled.

He looked at her and then hugged her tightly.

“Should I keep the flowers here as always?” he asked as he stood up to leave.

“Yes love” she said.

“Happy birthday baby”

“Thank you love”

David kept the flowers on the grave and left the cemetery where Jane rested peacefully. 

 

 -Shanewolfe

 

 

Author's Note

Trying writing for the first time.

Reviews

[Delia Bradley]

I found this piece of work touching and slightly puzzling to begin with, the puzzlement and my curiosity to find out how the story ended kept me reading with enjoyment.

The twist at the end explained it all. I wonder how many such conversations are conducted like that, thousands I'm sure. I really felt for David, its a story that will touch everyone in its own way and as such is powerful.

[shanewolfe00]

I feel really lucky to get such kind words for my first work. i am really glad you liked it. Thank you.

[AndrewWrites]

Welp. You had me going and then the end came and i legit got goosebumps. Good work. This was a good piece.

[shanewolfe00]

Thank you and i am glad you liked it.

[Haimaii]

You got me hooked and then broke my heart, thanks. It is a bit weird that you used 'btw' in a conversation between two people. In face-to-face talk people usually just say 'by the way'.

[shanewolfe00]

Thank you very much for you kind words and i know btw wasn't supposed to be in the final post but somehow it slipped off my mind. will be careful next time. Thank you.

[Falcon1]

Very Interesting held my attention all the way through till I realized the sad ending of it all. Great story telling My Friend.

[shanewolfe00]

Thank you very much for your kind words and i will try my level best to be better. Thank you.

[Falcon1]

You were great you kept me in suspense until the end and that was a wonderful thing.

[shanewolfe00]

Thanks a lot for taking out time and reading it :)

[Miss Sharon]

Well if this is an example of your first attempts at writing, I'd say you are off to a fantastic start! The story is wonderful and I do hope you are going to make it into a book! ~Sharon

[shanewolfe00]

Thank you very much for taking out time and reading it. And certainly i will try my level best. Thank you.

[AshlynnStyx]

It's beautiful and kept me interested all the way through. Some food for thought though... perhaps spacing your dialogue and text might add some organization and clean up the text. I find it makes it harder to read if everything is all together.

[shanewolfe00]

Thanks a lot for taking out time to read it and will certainly keep your suggestions in mind.

[AshlynnStyx]

anytime. I love reading anyway.

[Deco]

This was good in more ways than not, really, baring the few grammatical and textual problems. But I'm sure you'll fix that in the re-write. The only thing i'll say by way of critique is that while a twist in storytelling is what readers constantly look for, it's more effective by way of foreshadowing. Here it's something we eventually, ultimately arrive at as the story ends. Just a critique though. Good work!

[shanewolfe00]

Thanks a lot for taking out time to read it and will certainly keep your suggestions in mind. Thank you.

[Deco]

You are welcome. :)

[Dr. Wood ?]

If this was a first time effort in my humble opinion it was pretty good. I think it might benefit from adding a little speed. I know you wanted to build up to the twist at the end. But maybe you panned it out a little too much. This is only my opinion, I do lots of writing but I am NO expert.

[shanewolfe00]

Thank you so much for taking out time and reading it and i will certainly keep your suggestions in mind. Thank you for you kind words.

[BBP]

I liked his price. The end actually gave me goosebumps, the only thing your ant to check is grammer and make sure not to use text abbreviations as part of the dialogue. You have to actually use the words lol but the plot was rally good. At first I thought it was a girlfriend ... Then maybe she was a t a hospital of sorts and then the end surprised me

[shanewolfe00]

Thank you very much for taking out time and reading this. i will definitely keep your suggestions in mind and will incorporate them. thank you very much for your kind words.

[BBP]

I really did like it. The twist came as a suprise

[shanewolfe00]

i am really glad you liked it. Thanks a lot.

[FIN]

Well first off your dialogue is beautiful. I'm in no place to critique fiction, but from a reader's perspective you made me feel: love, sadness, distance and evoked laughter. You seem to be a natural and I am glad that I took the time to read this; it was a beautiful short story. Thank you, dearly. You've got the craft to write within you my friend.

That twist at the end, just wow. Too bad I wanted more play of back and forth from these two lovers, but still; to end on that note and still have me immersed with emotions of happiness, love and wonder is amazing.

You're dialoug was fantastic, for me. I felt the love.

Nice job, my friend; and keep writing.

Much love,

LR

[shanewolfe00]

You are the First review i have ever got and thank you so much for your kind words. You responded to my request and i am genuinely very thankful to you.

[FIN]

Keep writing with such strong, emotional dialog and you will gain more appreciation/eyes on your work; and remember, we can always improve, so keep studying and I have no doubt you could publish a very entertaining book.

Much love,

LR

[shanewolfe00]

i will keep that in mind always. thanks you so much for being so kind. thanks a lot.

[FIN]

Always. My man.

And yeah, it seems to me you're ahead of the pack from the looks of this piece; most people have trouble with creating natural feeling dialogue and this felt as natural as it could be (from my perspective).

But there is much to learn in the art of story-telling!

Always keep at it!

Much love,

LR

[shanewolfe00]

Will certainly keep that in mind. Thanks a ton for taking out time and reading.