I'm not Okay

I have my make up on; that red lipstick that everyone likes

A nice fancy dress; the one that hugs my body in all the right places

I’m smiling at everyone; I’m laughing so hard

All seems fine; my life seems great

A clueless mind will envy; a clueless mind knows nothing

My smile. It means that I don’t want you to know that there are worms eating me from the inside

It means that I don’t want to talk about the worms. It means I am not okay

Do you really care? I hate you! Not because you don’t care about me but because I am the only one with the worms.

If only I could run away from the worms; everywhere I go there they are. Lurking and waiting to continue devouring my flesh. My life seems less important now... less meaningful.

Dying is the only cure. I don’t get to feel the worms anymore. I don’t get to feel anything anymore.

“Depression is a worm that deforms reality and makes freedom and peace analogous to death.”

I want to be loved. I want to be held. I want someone who understands. I want someone whom I can tell.

This someone seems so unreal, so distant. I don’t believe that anyone can understand.

Perhaps I could help them see the worms; but my pride won’t let me

What does it matter if they think I am weak? Is that not what I am?

Why do the voices keep asking me to flee? To shut down my life… this makes me feel worse

I can’t motivate myself anymore, there’s nothing in my future that’s worth looking forward to

I need that someone. I know he will make it better. I just need to breathe. I just need to let him in.

I just need to believe he won’t flee when he knows. I just need to believe that his love will make it better… soothe the gnawing pain the worms leave behind

This is so much work. There’s too many uncertainties. But I am dying. I don’t want to die, or do I?

I have to try. I can’t let the worms win.