Enchanted Beginnings

New Version written 12/30/23

I recall the initial encounter with him. He stood tall, fit, with brown hair, green eyes, light brown skin, and the most enchanting lips I had ever seen. It marked my 18th birthday, and we gathered at Olive Garden with my family. I felt radiant that day, adorned in gray shorts, a turquoise turtleneck shirt, and black heels. Confidence embraced me, a sensation I hadn't felt in ages. As we awaited a table, he approached, and his smile and eyes captivated me. While he was undeniably beautiful, it was the way he gazed at me that intrigued me - "an indication that there was something about him worth discovering.

I smiled back, my head instinctively lowering in a shy response. He noticed, and his smile broadened. My enchanting moment was interrupted by my dad requesting a table for three.

“Excuse me, young man… Can you please get us a table for three?” my dad politely inquired.

“Of course, would you like it in the front or in the back of the place?” he responded, causing my heart to race. This guy was my type, and I didn't want this to be our last encounter. His deep, charming voice only intensified my interest.

“Daddy, can we go to the back? It's quieter, and the tables are more spaced out. Look,” I pointed at the tables.

“Okay, whatever you wish, Birthday Girl,” my dad said, smiling.

“Okay, a table for three in the back, please follow me.” For my parents, it was a routine service, but for me, his command to follow felt like a spell.

We followed as if under an unspoken directive, my cheeks blushing inexplicably. Seated, he handed us four menus and inquired about our drink preferences.

“I would like a Pina Colada and a glass of water, please,” I said, aiming for sophistication. He smiled and noted it on his pad.

“We want the same with some alcohol,” my dad said. Feeling somewhat foolish, I still couldn't handle alcohol and contemplated trying it someday. One Pina Colada with alcohol, I thought. Doesn't that sound great?

I ordered Sautéed shrimp and scallops tossed with creamy fettuccine alfredo. Predictably, my mom and dad chose the same dish, Shrimp Primavera.

When the charismatic waiter brought our orders, he presented mine first. “Here’s to the birthday Girl, a gift from the place. Your plate is free for today, and everything else you ordered, enjoy.” He said, smiling deeply and winking at me.

“Thank you so much,” I expressed gratitude, and suddenly, the entire restaurant erupted into singing Happy Birthday to me. I was astonished. “Mom, Dad, oh my God, this is the most beautiful thing. I did not expect this at all,” I exclaimed, tears of happiness streaming down my face.

“Well, sweetie, we are as surprised as you are because we didn’t expect this either,” my dad said, mirroring my astonishment.

“But then how did this happen? Who did this?” I questioned, and that's when I noticed the charismatic waiter winking again, signaling that this was his idea. I was determined to get to know him. There was an undeniable attraction, and I was ready to express my gratitude for the unexpected gift, the last thing I anticipated that day. So, I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

“I’ll be right back; I have to go to the restroom,” I said, excusing myself.

“Okay, Honey,” said Daddy.

As I walked toward the bathroom, I passed him and discreetly whispered for him to follow me. He did as instructed.

“Hey, I want to thank you for the gift. You really put a smile on my face today. It was amazing and unexpected. No one has ever done something like that for me,” I expressed gratitude, striving not to sound flirty.

He, on the other hand, gazed at me with those captivating eyes and then spoke, looking directly into my eyes. At that moment, it felt as if I had known him forever. “Hey, don’t worry. It's your birthday, right?” He said, licking his lips, which pleasantly drove me crazy. “And besides, you have a gorgeous smile. A girl with a smile like yours should smile all the time,” he said, sweeping me off my feet with that compliment. Without allowing me to thank him, he passed me a piece of paper, placed it in my hand, and walked away without uttering a word. I placed my hand on my chest, sporting the biggest smile. I tucked the piece of paper into my pocket without glancing at it, intending to read it later at home, even though I planned to go clubbing with my friends after dinner. As I stashed the paper, I started walking back to the table. It wasn’t until my dad saw my face that I realized I still wore a huge grin.

“What’s with the smile?” he sarcastically inquired, always finding a way to playfully tease me.

“Nothing,” I said. “I just feel immensely happy today. I mean, not every day you turn 18, right?” I added, exuding extreme happiness.

“Hmmm Hmm,” they responded, continuing to enjoy their excellent meal.

The remainder of the evening was delightful; the charismatic waiter and I exchanged flirtatious glances. He continued looking at me with those incredibly cute eyes that held a mysterious allure. It was a beautiful evening, but eventually, it was time to leave.

As we stood up and headed towards the exit, the charismatic waiter stood by the door. As I passed by him, he whispered something. “Call me later,” he said. With those words, a roller coaster ride commenced, and two hearts began their separate journeys. I was already filled with excitement, eager to hear his voice one more time, knowing the contents of the paper he had given me when he whispered to call him.

Author's Note

Any Feedback? Constructive criticism?

Reviews

There is a lot of grammer, spelling, and tense mistakes. You also have no indentions, which is crucial. You need to go through and fix your spelling and grammer mistakes. When I say 'tense mistakes' I mean that you go from present tense to past tense a lot which makes the writing sloppy and unfortunately, is a little irritating while reading. I make this same mistake in my fantasy book, but that is because I don't care about that one. Anyways! The storyline is good so far. You said 'sexy' way too many times and 'immensely' a lot. I pesonally try to follow the rule that you use the same adjective only once in a paragraph, but that is just my rule. Like 'sexy' shouldn't be mentioned so many times in a paragraph, and same thing for 'immensely'. I advice that you go through and possibly fix your mistakes. A thesaurus may become your best friend.

[k.renee]

Hi Sofia. I like the story line, it's a very good start and I'm interested in where it will all end up. I too am working on my first novel and know how challenging it can be to control the tense. I recognize the errors many of the other reviewers made such as grammar and indentions. This is only the first draft, so corrections are expected, but I say congratulations on starting, and I encourage you to continue working on it.

[Voice11]

Amazing details with emotion. But a lot of things are repeated and you would do well to say things without really saying them you know? I don't know how to describe it. Good storyline though

[DareToDream]

This is very good! I think its a great start and you should def continue. just be careful about repitition. other than that its great!

[ashley]

This is good. There are grammar mistakes through this, but I won't point them out because this is just a first draft. You do flop tenses a few times, make sure you stick with what you want. Your sentences are all very long, and some of them are runnons. I agree with S.S., make sure you keep the adjectives to a minimum. There's actually a book called, "When You See an Adjective, Kill It". Again, this is a first draft, so I wouldn't focus too much on the grammar right now. Your story seems interesting and I can't wait to read more. Great job! :D

[Rain Kissed Secret]

Lets see.. grammar mistakes are few.. but are still there. I would go over this piece with a red pen and just be careful.

You did a great job, I thought it was sweet. I wouldn't change the story line. Just grammar. Thanks for sharing this with me.
Rain.

[moa♥ fuwa]

lol. i'm not always into modern love stories. but your "abusive" part of the description got me interested. lol. i'm curious where it will go. how it's going to be abusive. grammarwise...i would pin it out straight to you, but i'm actually a little lazy to do that right now. hahah.. it just appeared that you probably wrote it without checking again. but it's really subtle. careful with the tense and the punctuations.

--moa

[Shalini Dinesh (Poet's ..]

moment was interrupted by my dad who asked the guy if he could get us a table for four. ---> in the very next line you have mentioned as table for three???

“Mom, Dad oh my God, this is the most beautiful thing, I did not expect this at all,” I ^sad^ (said ??--> check the typo) with tears of happiness streaming down my face.

the story was definitely feminine, as girls express their joy and the way they describe someone/something as cute etc... well written, i enjoyed reading this....hope the journey between the gal and the waiter continues :)

[Dutch Jr.]

Good start, it introduces the plot and brings the reader in. You introduced just enough of the main character to where I would want to know more about her. You created an immensely powerful initial attraction that also kept me wanting to know more about where the relationship would lead; it seems like there is a pleasant, but also an unpleasant, secret about this guy. This is really well-written, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

Grammatically, this is really rough, but that's not to wory about until you're done with the whole thing. "I definitely felt sexy, something I didn’t feel since a long time ago." This sentence reads kind of awkward. Maybe change it to something like, "something I hadn't felt in a long time," or, "a feeling I hadn't had in a long time."

[Elissa; the genuine art..]

This is a great write!
I really like the part where you say "and I felt as if there was something about him that I should know." That really drew me in.
The one thing I did notice is that at the beginning of the story you say she's turning 19, but when her father asks why she has a big smile on her face she says “I just feel immensely happy today, I mean not every day you turn the big 18 right?”. Other than that this write is wonderful!
I look forward to reading more soon :D

-Elissa :)