Observation

Originally written for a class, a couple that I saw at a cafe.

 

            They sat at the same corner of a square table.  She was a dirty blonde wearing a green sweater.  He was a curly blond with a Broncos cap.  Together, they flirted bodily.  He reached for her thigh and caressed it.  She put her hand on his and smiled.  His knees touched hers, and they drank their bottled drinks.  She lifted her hand, he opened his can of tea, which exploded.  She laughed and got napkins.  He sat where he was, and played with the receipt.  When she returned, she threw the napkins on the table.  He did nothing with them, but returned his hand to her thigh, which, for a reason incomprehensible to those not madly in lust, he shook vigorously.  This went on for some time, until she formed her hand into the “shape” of a gun and pointed it at his head.  He pushed her hand away, but held onto it and, of course, rested it on her thigh.  He proceeded, once again, to shake her thigh, this time with her own hand.

            A girl in pink pants came up to them and started talking.  Their legs darted away from each other, and pink pants sat at the table next to them.  They talked for a moment, then all fell silent.  The blond girl’s order was up, so she stood and got it.  She returned with only cursory conversation.  They were silent again, and the pink girl was uncomfortable.  The boy’s order came up, and he stood to get it.  Silence continued.  When he sat down, his legs and the blonde girl’s legs were nowhere near each other.

            Some short time later, they were still silent and eating, and the pink girl stood to get her order.  When she came back some minutes later-during which the legs had inched closer together-she was walking with a boy.  He had a radiant smile and any fool could see that he wanted the pink girl to sit with him.  Instead, she stood while he took a seat two tables away from the original couple.  She talked to both the couple and the boy for a moment before darting to the couple.  Their legs split again, and she stood there for a minute.  She darted back to the boy.  The legs drifted together cautiously, but when pink pants and radiant smile stood up together, waved goodbye, and left through the door to the outside, the legs collided as if they were a pair of black holes that had drifted into each other’s event horizons. 

            His hand swept to her thigh and after caressing it, petting it twice, and shaking it a little, he started patting it audibly.  She smiled and grabbed his hand in both of hers.  After a moment she let go with one, and he grabbed the one that was still on with his free hand.  They let go soon, and his hand returned to her thigh.  He swept it up and down, and side to side, patted it “vigorously,” and then rested.  From that position, he swept up to her waist and nearly reached right into her sweater.  She, smiling, pushed his hand away, and pushed her own hand up the sleeve of his sweater.  The black and green colliding created an effect of false unity.  They sat like this, moving in apparently random directions like Electrons, for at least five minutes.  Then they stood up, threw away their containers, and vanished into the young evening.

 

Through it all, their eyes never met.

Reviews

[J. Marc]

The least I can say is that the scene was very well observed. One could also say that you had some interest fixed at those hands and thighs. I liked the expression "incomprehensible to those not madly in lust", it arouses the curiosity of the reader and makes him craves for more. Indeed, one would have liked a dialogue, here and there to cut the monotony of the description.
Maybe you could have inserted your own thoughts here and there.

It is particularly interesting to remark that they were having this little "mixup" while eating. Remarks about the association of these two things might have been also very appropriate. In general, it is a good piece of writing. I do not know how much it tells about the writer;;;;