Hearth

Just a poem i made a while ago in a bad mood.

You took up the space

In my empty heart Just seeing your face,

You were my hearth

When I will die I know you won't mourn But you were my rock The calm in my storm

I wish that you knew The state that I'm in

So that you hadn't left

So that it didn't end

Reviews

[Beth]

I'm not going to pretend I know anything about poetry, because I don't. All I have is an AS level in English Literature. However.
I think you put across emotion very well. You say you wrote this in a bad mood, and it shows. It's very raw and powerful emotion.
Reading it aloud exposes how abrupt and stop start it is. You may have done this for a reason but personally I find it a little unpleasant; you might want to consider lengthening the lines or adding the odd caesura if you want the stop-start effect. Basically what I'm asking for is more flow.
Lastly, "You were my rock, the calm in my storm" is a little cliche to me. If you're struggling with metaphors try to draw on your own experiences rather than repeating what others have said.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck in future poetic endeavors!

[spenderlou]

thank you very much for the help.