The Sliding Knife

Every time I feel like s**t, it feels just a little bit worse

So every time I hurt, it's the worst feeling ever

The pain just piles up

The knife slides in just a bit deeper

And when all I feel is pain

Each second that goes by is the worst moment of my life

Until the next second occurs

And then the next one, and then the next one, and then...

Every moment is a wretched torment

Each blow to my heart is a brand new torture

Am I getting stronger or weaker?

Is it building my strength to endure more?

Or is it gradually breaking me down?

Is it making me harder or does it chip away at my soul?

Will I become unflinching or will I erode into nothing?

I believe in the latter

For I'm losing control of the will to go on

The scarce moments of ignorant relief only serve to emphasize my ever-rising agony

My wounds don't leave a scar because they never heal

Each moment of misery is a slice into an open sore

Layered pain on pain

Suffering has become a part of me

Woven into the very fabric of my being

Who I am without it, I do not know

I am a walking suicide

My mind killing itself a piece at a time with every breath I take

Drowning myself with my own thoughts

Poisoning myself with sweet lies of hope

Every effort to improve rapidly distorts into an opportunity for self-sabotage

An emotional masochist

I have an addiction to life's hard lessons

Making sure to repeat mistakes just to get them right

Perfecting my errors

Ensuring the right wrongs

Putting myself through indescribable anguish

Comfortably trapped in my despair, for it is all I know

I may as well embrace it since I cannot escape it

Crawl into the hollow void inside me and bathe in it