kanes story

Kane’s Story

 

I never wanted it to happen, not really. If I’m honest I don’t even know how I did it. I just kind of closed my eyes, and it happened. If I knew that it could really have happened, then maybe I wouldn’t have wished for is so hard. But It has happened so I have to deal with it and I know I’ll be alright because I have to be, I have my mum looking out for me. Maybe she did this for me, to stop the noise.

 

My days always started the same. I would wake up, go to the toilet and go down stairs to make my breakfast. My dad would be fast asleep on the couch as usual, so I would make him a coffee like he asks me to do for him in a morning. Things got really bad when he lost his job; he kind of just gave up and started to drink a little more than usual. It’s a shame really because I heard he was a really good fireman once, and he has lots of awards and medals for bravery. As I did my morning chores I liked to do the dishes and watch the sun come up. Our kitchen window was in prime place for when the sun came up in a morning.

 

Finally my chores are all finished and it was time to get ready and go to school. I had to rush through this bit because I had to be out of the house before my dad woke up. He didn’t like me there in the morning. He said he doesn’t like seeing me in a morning, and he doesn’t want me to see him in his morning state. This was a good morning, I was just walking out of the door when he began to rise, and I was out just in time. As I stood and waited for the bus to school, I would often wonder what other families lives were like, if they weren’t allowed to see their parents in a morning either. As the big yellow monster pulled up in front of me, that’s what I liked to call the school bus, it was already almost full with other kids. I sat down in my usual spot at the front of the bus where the usual not was waiting for me from the boys that sat at the back of the bus. I opened it up to see the words, you’re a dick, you’re the reason your mum left.

I often thought about my mother. She died while giving birth to me so I never really knew her; I just have a picture of her that I keep in my blazer pocket, next to my heart. I once asked my dad about her, but he doesn’t like to talk about her that much, it upsets him.

 

When the bus finally pulls up at school, even though I am sat right at the front, I’m always the last one off. I walked up to school noticing a few flowers next to a tree; I wonder what they are there for. I managed to make it to my locker without any real problems today. As I headed for my first class, it was with my favourite teacher Mrs Anderson, she was really nice, and a good English teacher. The only drawback to this class was that I had to sit next William Fergusson. He was a real bully, he once pinched my work and handed it in as his own. I got into trouble for not doing my work and he got B+. I didn’t say anything because it would have caused more trouble than the history assignment was worth. Luckily I managed to get to the school letter before my dad; otherwise I would have been in real trouble.

 

As I sat next to William, he instantly hit me on the arm and gloated that he was 10 tomorrow and I’m only 9 years old, he said I had to bring him $50 or he would beat me up. This put a real dampener on my day, how was I meant to get $50 by tomorrow, to avoid being beaten up. I spent the rest of the school day worrying about it and didn’t really pay much attention in any of my classes.

 

As I got home, my dad was wide awake watching the television with his usual friend Jack Daniels. He called me over as he did every night when I finished school. I stood in front of him and said hello. He just sat and looked at me with his glazed over eyes, and the usual look of disapproval, the he hit me with the back of his hand, straight across my face, he does it hard enough to knock me to the floor. But I’m not allowed to cry. I have to stand back up and say thank you, then I can leave and start cooking dinner for the two of us. It would usually be steak for him and something that was left over for me.

 

Once I had cooked it for him I was allowed to go and start my homework for the next day. As I went upstairs I got undressed and had a wash in the sink. I wasn’t allowed a shower or a bath because as my father put it, I’m not big enough to need that much water. I stood there looking in the mirror at my body, I could now count nearly all my ribs without breathing in, and I hated the sight of my body. I was more a skeleton than a boy. I sat on the floor took out my homework and began to work on it I heard my father come up the stairs. He opened my door and threw my dinner at me. A mouth full of steak and a few fries. I crawled into bed with my feet hanging off the end. It was a toddler’s cot more than a bed. It wasn’t really a bed to be fair, not anymore. Springs popping out all over the mattress and the frame felt like it would collapse any minute.

I reached under my pillow and pulled out the only photo I have of my mother. She was beautiful. In this photo she was stood with her back to the sea on a beach somewhere. She was wearing a long white beach dress and sandals; her blonde hair was blowing in the wind and her smile was radiating. I like to look at this photo every night before I go to sleep it gives me comfort.

The next morning I woke up, and did all of my usual things, believing that this was a normal day. Of course when I left the house for the school bus, my thoughts instantly turned to the money that William demanded for his birthday today.

The first three classes of the day flew past, and it was recess before I knew it and I could see William coming over to me straight away. I thought about running and hiding in the slide. But for some reason I couldn’t get my legs to move. I don’t know if it was in fear or just plain stupidity but I couldn’t move. Before I knew it he was right I front of me demanding I give him his birthday money, when I explained I didn’t have it, he drew his fist back and drove it into my face, it hurt and somehow I was instantly on the floor looking up at him. He then climbed on top of me pinned my arms under his legs and started to hit me with both fists. I was in so much pain I could hear all the other kids shouting all around us, I had to get out of this position, I managed to wriggle one of my arms free and with one wild swing of my fist I connected with Williams face, he instantly fell of me, I stood up slowly feeling a little disorientated. I looked down at him holding his face and crying. I looked at all the other kids but I couldn’t see any of them it was like only me and William was there, that’s when I felt it, a hard yank on my collar and I felt I almost snapped back in to life as all the other kids where still stood around looking at me now as I was being dragged off to the principal’s office.

As I sat there waiting to be called through I couldn’t help but wonder what had just happened. One second everyone was there, and then they were all gone. It was the strangest feeling I’ve ever felt. That was when my worst fear was realized, my dad walked through and sat down next to me, he looked down at me with a horrifying look on his face. The look I had become accustomed to whenever I looked at him but this time a little different. Almost a look of happiness, the look of I knew this day would come when you messed up, and now I get my revenge on you. I think if the headmistress hadn’t called us through at that moment he would have hit me then.

We both walked in and sat in the chairs across from the principal, she wasn’t a nice lady. In her 50’s, tightly pulled back blonde hair that was just starting to turn grey at the front, sharp pointed glasses that sat on the middle of her nose so she can always look over her nose down at you, and the constant and flawless grey suit and white blouse she would wear every day. It was then I was told to go and stand outside while her and my father talked, this scared me even more, I knew he would lie and I knew she would act like I do this every day, that’s how evil these two were. I started to get that feeling again I tried to hold it back, I was struggling, then my father burst through the door, he had obviously just been told what had happened, he pulled me up by the scruff of my neck and pulled me like a dog outside, where he threw me on the floor while he fumbled for his car keys. I started crying, he looked down at me shouting, and telling me he couldn’t believe I would do something like this after everything he has done for me. I couldn’t stop crying, I was so scared I couldn’t move all I could do was watch as my father grew more and more angry because he couldn’t get a proper hold of his keys, he then turned to me and told me to stop crying or I would be in serious trouble. I couldn’t stop I tried and tried but I couldn’t hold it back, he was shouting, I was getting a strong feeling in my stomach. I looked up at him and saw he was lunging towards me; I closed my eyes put me head on my knees and squeezed tightly waiting for the connection of his hands and body. But it never came, I sat there still waiting for it to happen, but nothing, all I felt was the wind blowing through my hair, all I heard was the trees rustling. I loosened my grip of legs and sneaked a look, I couldn’t see him so I lifted my head up to look around and saw nobody, even the cars that were driving by had come to a stop and the people driving them had gone too. I stood up and began running, why I don’t know maybe I was still scared. I ran all over town, down the high street, and saw nobody, they had all disappeared. I came to a sudden stop when I reached my house. I started walking towards it, I got half way down the path and stopped, I felt something, like somebody was watching me, I turned and for the first time in my life I smiled, I smiled at the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life, I knew straight away that this was meant to happen, smiling I ran towards her with my arms wide open, and gave her a massive hug. I didn’t understand how it was possible, but I didn’t care. I had finally got what I always wanted, my mum.

Reviews

[LastMonth]

Okay, Hmmhhhm.

There's definetly alot of good here. And some things I think could be improved.

Writing:
Your writing is good. Great even. The way you use words, connecting them with one another was well put. Your vocabulary is decent and you don't seem to repeat words too often. This was obviously told from the perspective of a 9 years old. I didn't quite feel that as much as I would like to.

Plot:
Let's start with the good. The first paragraph was great. It left me hanging, wanting more. I really wanted to know what is this 'Sin' that the Main character commited and how he was going to deal with it. But it did feel to me as though you pushed a bit too hard when it came to the emotional part.

It felt as though you were trying too hard to make us pity this boy. His mom is dead. His dad doesn't have a job. His dad drinks alot and mistreats him. The Principal isn't nice. The boy sitting next to him is a bully. He needs to cook for his dad. He needs to get money for this bully, fifty dollars, no less.

It seems to me as though you put too much, too quickly, too soon. Let it sulk in. Let us feel his reactions to the events. Take things slowly. It kinda seems like everything just goes by him, like he is immune to all that.. well, for lack of better word, s**t going on in his life.

What I'm trying to say is that you should let the story 'Breath' a little.
The paragraphing was great all along, though for some reason the last bit was all mashed together with barely any spacing, but that's just me being petty.

The final conclusion is this,
I read through the whole thing. Not because I forced myself to. Not because I wanted to know how it ends. But because it was interesting. It was enjoyble. You are a decent writer. Yes, you have alot of room for improvement, but so do most of the people here, me included.

I hope that the fact that I really like this got through despite all of my criticism.
I'd love to read more of your stories, best of luck mate.

[stephen canning]

Cheers mate glad you enjoyed it yeah I felt I was pushing abit much and rushed the end a little. But I've got plenty to learn yet and I hope I get better. I've uploaded a few more so be my guest and take a look.

[LastMonth]

Cool. I'll do that!