A Letter You'll Never Read

A letter from someone who made too many mistakes to the person who could have been the solution, but wasn't.

Dear A,

Wouldn't it be nice if our vocal chords came with a backspace key?  Then maybe we could take back all the s**t we said.  I'm a writer; you know that.  And writers do a lot of editing.  Unfortunately, once you've spoken, there's no going back and correcting.  We can't rewrite the past.  What is said is said.  I used to say I don't make promises, because I'll always break them.  Well, now I realize how bogus that is.  Every word we say is a vow.  Every sentence is an unbreakable promise.  We have sworn ourselves to a sick hatred fueled by the fire that rolls off our own tongues.

I hate everything about you.  And yet, I stare at the stars and wish to talk to you the way we used to, just once more.  I try to make myself cry over you, but I can't.  And yet, I still look for you in a crowd, feeling empty and alone.  I tell myself to move on.  And yet, you are always the thought lingering in the dusty corners of the front room of my mind.  And every time the world falls to pieces, I wish I could turn to you for solace.  But I can't.  And I hate everything that reminds me of you, because it reminds me of what I lost.

So what is this letter, then, if I hate you so?  For starters, I don't hate you.  I should have made that clear when I had the chance.  This is the love letter you will never read.  This is the message I will never send.  This is the CD that is forever stuck on the last song, skipping over and over again.  This is the time we never made up for, and never will.  This is the ghost of feelings I used to get, and have no desire to experience again, yet would give anything for.  This is every wish I ever made on a shooting star, or at 11:11, or on a penny in a fountain.  This is every warning sign I refused to read.  This is every drop of blood I wasted on people who weren't worth the effort.  This is every doubt I should have paid attention to, but didn't.  This is every scream I had to suppress.  This is every false glimmer of hope I so foolishly allowed myself.  This is every smile I shared with you and only you.  This is my heart that resides wherever you are, because that's where I wanted to be when I ripped it out. 

Now do you see why I couldn't come back?  Do you see why we can never speak to each other again?  Every part of me that I want to forget, every jagged little piece, I left with you.  I dumped it all on you because I didn't think I could bear it alone.  And you accepted it without complaining.  You have done more for me than anyone ever has, ever will, and I love the person you used to be. 
I just wish you could know it.

Why can't you know it?  Why will you never read this letter in which I spill whatever is left of my guts?

Because in writing this, I have used the backspace key too many times.

Love always,

M

Author's Note

This is very... raw. I tried not to do too much editing. The backspace key is my best friend.

Reviews

[Csa]

Wow... So deeeep. X]
But i like it~

[IAmGhost120]

You're right; this is raw. But that's its charm; it flows so well because it is raw and comes from the heart. It's the truth. Now: your word choice is excellent as usual. I love the paragraph of "This is..." because it flows well. You have a very effective and real tone, almost to the point where it's severe (but it's good, because it allows you to connect with the audience better). Fantastic.

[Lauren]

The first line was BRILLIANT. I wish I had thought of that. I also loved how it was tied in with the last line. You have such a beautiful way with words and mixing them together that I wish I could see some sort of narrative here.

[Marie]

The backspace key is every writer's best friend. And, you put it so well, there is no back space key for life.