Awakening.

love, death and the mafia.

Pitter  …  Patter  …  a  hint  of  rain.

 

Thunderous  raindrops  ripple  the  land,  echoing  through  the  demoralizing  atmosphere.  Concurrently,  time  freezes  for  him.

The  hemisphere  of  chaos  shelters  the  city;  an  invisible  barrier.

Her  eyelids  slide  to  gracefully  fall,  to  declare  the  end  of  her  curtain  call,  and  with  an  exhalation  of  the  conclusive  breath…  he finds  her  laid  upon  her  death.

Her  heartbeat  diffuses...  faints away.  Then  stops.

A  rainstorm  encloses  over  his  city  to  display  Nature’s  mourning.  Distortion  accompanies  the  rain.  The  vibrant  traffic  jammed  main  road  fades  into  a  deserted  land;  the  sky  reaching  buildings  shrink  into  deformed  dead  trees;  the  concrete  sidewalks  corrode  to  dust.

The  city  thrives  in  its  isolation  as  a  monument  attracting  pedestrians  beyond  the  opaque  barrier.  As  the  rain  washed  away  the  stickiness  from  his  skin  and  the  aroma  of  rusted  metal  arose,  it  made  him  aware  again.

Jolted  out  of  the  haze,  he  screamed.  Screamed  as  his  throat  burned.  Screamed  with  hatred.  Screamed…  for  vengeance.

 

The  commotion  causes  consecutive  questions  to  linger  through  the  mindless  bystanders.  The  cowards  observe  Caiden  lamenting  on  the  deserted  road.  Gusts  of  wind  roar  furiously  as  the  crisp  autumn  leaves  soar  in  preparation  of  retribution.  Above,  the  angry  clouds  crease  with  thunderbolts,  glaring  with  detestation.  Relentless  reiteration  from  the  gunshot  runs  through  him  and  down  pours  grief  from  his  eyes.  He  rests  his  hand  upon  her  gentle  cheek  to  feel  cold  begin  to  slither  into  this  palm.  Ultimately,  the  penetration  from  the  fangs  stun  him  as  it  sinks  into  his  skin  to  drown  him  with  the  poison  of  the  iciness  from  her  corpse.  He  holds  her  limp  rag-doll  body  in  his  sturdy  arms  of  protection  which  failed  at  protecting  the  most  precious  thing…  her.

And  just  like  that,  she  was  gone.

 

 

2010.

The  late  summer  was  filled  with  the  aroma  of  pine  trees  fluttering  ever  so  freely  among  the  crisp  auburn  leaves.  Sat  on  the  concrete  doorsteps  were  the  two,  both  in  their  youth.  The  tomboy  sat  cross-legged  in  her  olive  green  quarter  lengths  and  an  oversized  T-shirt,  awkwardly  comfortable  at  her  new  vicinity.  Beside  her  sat  the  kid  from  across  the  street  arguing,  Undertaker  was  more  legend  than  Triple  H.
She  was  twelve;  he  was  thirteen.  Both  full  of  simplicity.  Innocence.

 

It  was  a  time  prior  to  pain  where  life  hadn’t  corrupted  their  hearts  yet.

 

2015.

An  alarm  rang  somewhere  distant  as  the  sun  rays  melted  the  sleep  from  her  eyes.

He  still  hasn’t  come  home...

Oh,  but  he  had.  In  frustration,  Samina  stormed  out  of  bed  to  catch  a  glimpse  of  glistening  on  her  side  table.  A  rectangular  golden  box  neatly  tied  with  a  red  ribbon  and  a  bow.

She  instantly  knew.

Throwing  a  faded  Nike  shirt  over  her  head,  she  indulged  herself  in  what  was  left  of  his  scent.  Her  body  physically  craved  for  his  presence  on  her  seventeenth  birthday.

 

Aggravated  but  hurt,  she  leaned  over  and  grabbed  the  present.  The  lid  was  taken  off  to  reveal  luminous  golden  rays  but  in  that  instant,  she  was  colour-blind.  It  remained  true  to  what  it  was  in  her  eyes:  a  present  which  had  cost  someone  their  life,  or  drug  money.  Either  way,  it  was  dirty  money  from  his  dirty  business  and  she  despised  it.

 

In  a  sea  of  rectangular  velvet  rested  a  golden  necklace,  without  its  shine,  perfectly  in  place  and  hanging  on  it  was  half  a  heart  that  read,  ‘Together.’  The  irony.

 

Stuck  inside  the  lid  was  an  uneven  torn  lined  paper  with  careless scrawling;  the  subsequent  birthday  present.

Sammi,

Leaving  �"  gotta  take  care  of  business.

Didn’t  wake  you,  had  no  time.

Happy  b-day,  enjoy  the  present.

Dunno  when  I’ll  be  back.

-C

She  instantly  knew;  the  business  had  taken  over  his  life.

Not  only  that,  but  her  life  too.

 

When  did  it  begin?

It  had  always  been  there  but  deep  inside,  she  prayed  her  love  could  conquer  it  all.  But  it  didn’t.  Money  was  always his motive  and  dealing  was  the  way  forward  �"  for  him.  He  spiralled  recklessly  out  of  control  but  the  money  kept  coming  in.  Caiden  made  it  clear  she  was  not  to  interfere  with  the  business.  So  she  didn’t,  afraid  his  love  for  money  was  greater  than  for  her.

 

Dragging  herself  out  of  bed,  she  got  dressed  for  her  jog.  Quickly  shoving  the  lid  back  on  and  the  box  into  her  top  drawer,  she  tied  the  long  ebony  black  hair  into  a  ponytail,  grabbed  the  key,  iPod  and  left.

 

Not  noticing  the  black  Benz  parked  down  the  road.

She  jogged,  with  Caiden  on  her  mind.  Her  speed  increased;  she  started  running,  then  sprinting.  But  she  took  no  notice  of  the  burning  sensation  in  the  back  of  her  legs  or  the  dryness  and  the  hint  of  blood  in  her  throat.  Their  lives  had  succumbed  to  his  business  and  his  dreams  of  running  the  streets.

 

She  got  to  the  end  of  her  road  and  stopped.  Her  chest  caved  in,  gasping  for  breath  to  relieve  the  strain  on  her  muscles.  Arriving  at  her  building,  she  found  the  entrance  windows  had  been  obliterated.  Like  someone  wanted  to  break  in.

 

“F**k.”

Adrenaline  surged  into  every  vein  as  she  burst  through  the  door  and  sped  upstairs  like  a  roadrunner.  Unintentionally,  she  sped  past  her  apartment  and  desperately  clutched  onto  the  next  door  to  stop  herself.  Nearly  crashing  into  the  plant,  she  was  reminded  of  the  baseball  bat  Caiden  had  hidden  in  case  of  emergencies.  This  was  an  emergency.

 

Carefully  reaching  behind,  her  grip  firmed  on  the  bat  as  she  made  her  way  towards  her  door.  With  caution,  she  held  the  doorknob  and  turned.  The  abrupt  thought  of  myriad  subsequent  scenarios  awaiting  to  steer  her  to  death  stunned  her  in  fear.  Her  heart  thrashed  against  her  chest.  She  lost  her  senses;  she  smelled  danger,  tasted  fear,  heard  chaos,  saw  disaster  waiting  to  unfold  and  held  tight  to  her  weapon.

 

It  refused  to  turn  �"  the  door  was  still  locked.

Relief  washed  over  her  as  she  unlocked  and  entered  her  apartment. Regaining  herself,  she  felt  the  tranquillity  flowing  through  the  room  as  everything  remained  still  in  its  place.  Paranoia  had  become  a   friend;  she  was  Caiden’s  girlfriend,  after  all.  She  became  the  perfect  target;  they  all  wanted  to  hit  him  where  it  hurt  so  they  came  after  her.  She  made  her  way  to  the  window  and  like  a  magician,  unveiled  the  world  to  her  apartment.  At  a  glance,  a  couple  caught  her  eye…  a  normal  couple.

Her  mind  was  drowning  in  thoughts  of  Caiden  when  she  heard  the  door  click  shut.  The  momentary  thought  of  Caiden  coming  back  was  rammed  aside  as  terror  chaotically  overtook  her.  From  behind,  a  hand  clamped  over  her  mouth  as  it  jerked  her  head  to  one  side.  In  a  swift  movement,  her  head  was  yanked  the  opposite  direction  and  that’s  when  all  went  black.

 

Hazily  awaking,  the  rope  burns  on  her  wrists  tingled  with  flames  and  her  shoulders  felt  wrenched  out  of  their  sockets.  Her  temporal  pulse  hammered  against  her  flesh.  She  saw  the  two  sharp  figures  sat  before  her  as  her  vision  recuperated.  Samina’s  eyes  widened  with  fear,  and  then  squinted  with  rage.

 “You.”

There  sat  the  Mafia  King  and  his  Right-Hand  Man.

Impotent  and  alone,  Samina’s  rage  was  subdued  with  abrupt  fear.

 

The  two  most  fearsome  notorious  men  renown  for  their  murderous  ways  were  sat  in  her  living  room.

 

S**t.

The  younger  man  stepped  forward  conceitedly;  his  stance  boasted  of  detriment…  power.

“Caiden  seems  to  be  expanding  his  business.  You  see  these  streets?”

The  sudden  movement  as  his  arms  flung  out  made  her  whimper.

The  arrogant  b*****d  roared  with  laughter.  “They’re  OURS.  If  Caiden  doesn’t  leave  the  business...”

He  winked;  lifted  his  blazer  to  reveal  the  hidden  gun.  Terror-stricken,  Samina  nodded.

“Good  girl.  He  trained  you  well.”

This  time,  the  King  joined  in.  She  prayed  for  their  departure  but  it  had  only  begun.  His  majesty  finally  arose,  and  with  him,  the  bat.  The  vultures  encircled  her,  ready  to  feed.  The  younger  man  approached  and  kicked  Samina  off  the  chair.  She  fell  beside  the  coffee  table  simultaneously  as  it  was  smashed.  Shards  flew  all over her  like  fireworks  on  the  fourth  of  July.  It  was  too  late  for  shelter; a  massive  piece  of  glass  incinerated  her leg.  Samina  cried  out  as  the  pain  registered.  She  felt  blood  trickle  down  diagonally,  as  the  numbness  began. 

The  mobster  smirked,  standing  directly  over  her  so  she  could  see  his  face  change  with  rage.  The  bat  knocked  the  wind  from  her  stomach  as  he  brought  it  down  infinite  times.  She  gasped  desperately,  whilst  the  excruciating  pain  sent  ripples  through  the  body.  Her  eyes  began  to  perceive  his  movements  in  slow motion  as  he  raised  the  bat  once  more.  Then  from  behind  came  Caiden.  She  was  saved.

“CAIDEN!”  she  screamed,  forcing  out  the  veins  on  her  neck.  “CAIDEN!!”

The  back  of  her  throat  was  sore  from  dryness.

There  was  no  rescue.  She  blinked.  There  was  no  Caiden.

The  bat  collided  against  skin  and  pretty  soon,  there  was  nothing  but  darkness.

 

“Sammi...  Wake  up!”

Letting  out  a  moan,  she  managed  to  slightly  move  and  open  her  eyes  with  effort.  She  tried  to  concentrate  on  the  face  above  her  but  had  already  recognized  his  voice.  Exhaling  in  relief,  he  parted  the  hair  away  from  her  face  and  untied  her  hands.

She  tried  to  sit  up  but  pain  stung  throughout  her  abdomens.  Blood gushed  to  her  head,  causing  her  to  lie  back  down.  Her  vision started  to  clear  as  she  looked  around.  The  kitchen  was  tattered,  and  everything  was  thrown  out  of  place.  The  lamp  lay  broken  at  her  feet  and  the  wallpapers,  torn.  The  sofa  was  ripped  apart  and  their  TV,  smashed.  In  the  heart  of  the  chaos  lay  Samina.

 

And  finally,  she  saw.  Leaned  over  her  was  Caiden.  Never,  to  that  day  had  she  witnessed  his  face  so  full  of  terror.  But  she  saw  something  else;  they’d  gotten  to  him...  purple  bruises  on  his cheekbones,  dark  circles  over  his  eyes,  and  pain  all  over  his  face.  Yet,  there  was  something  that  shrieked  revenge.

 

Red  stains  were  smeared  across  his  cheeks  and  streaks  of  blood  rolled  down  from  his  forehead.  Pale  and  heavily  breathing,  he  could  no  longer  sustain  himself.  Assured  Samina  was  fine,  he  collapsed  beside  her.

 

The  thud  jerked  her  mind  to  awareness.  Psyching  herself  up,  she  ignored  the  ache  that  gnawed  into  her  abdominals  as  she  sat  up  straight.  The  dark  red  blotches  of  blood  smudged  across  the  white  carpet  seemed  surreal.  Her  eyes  darted  all  over  his  body,  checking  for  injury.  Carefully,  she  sat  him  up  in  attempt  to  move  him  to  the  shredded  sofa.  That’s  when  she  noticed  the  shards  of  glass  engraved  into  his  back.  Dragging  his  powerful  body  across,  she  laid  him  on  his  stomach.  Stumbling,  she  ran  to  the  closet  for  a  first  aid  kit  and  rushed  back.  At  this  point,  Caiden  was  her  only  priority,  regardless  of  her  pain.  She  dug  for  the  tweezers  and  got  to  work.  After  picking  out  each  piece  of  glass  vigilantly,  she  bandaged  him  up.

 

Caiden  had  taught  her  how  to  handle  injuries  when  he  was  new  to  it  all  and  would  come  home  with  it  regularly.  But  as  time  passed,  he’d  gained  street  credibility  and  hadn’t  been  in  this  state…  ever.
The  mobsters  were  dead  serious;  he  needed  to  quit  the  business.

But  that  was  never  the  option.  Paper  chase  was  constantly  on  his  mind  and  his  quickest  way  to  fulfil  his  dream  was  from  the  dirty  work.  Bruised  and  battered  lay  the  boy  from  the  concrete  steps  five  years  ago.  Slowly  turning  him  onto  his  back,  she  became  conscious  of  the  trail  of  blood  to  where  he  laid  before.  Panic  arose  from  the  pits  of  her  stomach  rapidly  when  she  saw  blood  surging  from  his  leg.  A  bullet  was  inside  his  thigh.

Oh,  good  Lord!

 

Praying  he  hadn’t  lost  too  much  blood,  she  got  to  work  on  the  wound.  Sweat  appeared  on  her  forehead  from  having  to  work  as  fast  and  cautiously  as  she  could  to  stop  the  bleeding  whilst  every  inch  of  movement  caused  her  anguish.  Her  persistence  paid  off.  Finally  having  removed  it,  she  bandaged  him  up  to  the  best  of  her  ability.

 

Relief  washed  over  her;  he  normally  underwent  quick  convalescence.  Clutching  onto  the  torn  sofa,  she  tried  to  get  up  but  fatigue  took  over.  She  closed  her  eyes  and  finally,  rested.

 

August  2015.

“Cay,  its  been  five  years  already!”

He  was  exhilarated  �"  not  for  Samina,  but  for  the  business.  His  mind  was  occupied  with  notions  of  being  the  youngest  to  control  the  streets  in  a  matter  of  hours.  The  day  of  assassination  had  come.  It  was  time  to  eradicate.  Caiden  reminisced  to  when  the  war  commenced.  Kidnapped  then  tortured,  he  vowed  for  vengeance.  After  he  escaped  and  made  his  way  back  home  to  unconscious  Samina,  he  planned  the  termination  of  their  reign.

She  pleaded  for  him  to  quit  the  business  and  when he  couldn’t  bring  himself  to,  he  lied.

 

Flourishing  in  the  shadows  was  his  empire.

Beaming  with  happiness  on  their  five  year  anniversary,  she  was  unaware  Caiden’s  mind  had  only  a  single  objective:  overthrowing  the  mobsters.

It  was  perfectly  planned.  Caiden  would  be  King.

 

Wrenching  him  from  the  reverie,  his  work  phone  rang.  His  subordinates  had  lost  surveillance  on  the  Mafia  King.  He  commanded  to  begin  the  search  but  they  were  to  only  contact  him  in  emergencies.  It  was  his  anniversary  after  all.

 

Caiden  and  Samina  walked  out  of  the  restaurant,  hand  in  hand,  like  a  normal  couple.  She  smiled  at  the  thought  of  normality.  She   had  gotten  her  Caiden  back;  the  business  had  lost.  Or  so  she   thought.

 

The  night  was  dark;  the  sky,  pitch  black.  How  else  could  the  stars  shine?

Samina  pointed  out  a  star,  the  smallest  in  the  sky.  Her  faith  always  rested  with  the  underdog.

Suddenly,  she  stopped.  As  he  turned  to  her,  she  leaped  up  and  embraced  him.  The  night  was  theirs  as  she  giggled  blissfully.

“Caiden,  I  love…”  �"  the  shrieking  of  tires  and  endless  gunshots  interrupted  her.

She  grasped  onto  Caiden  as  he  pulled  her  to  safety.  The  air  vibrated  as  his  BlackBerry  rang.  He  instantly  knew  his  men  were  calling  about  having  found  the  Mafia  King  and  his  heart  soared  at  the  thought  of  dethroning  him.  Then  sank,  in  realization  of  his  drenched  hand.

Samina  whispered,  “…you.”

 

Panic  stricken,  he  placed  her  on  the  pavement  to  see  where  she’d  been  shot  but  there  was  too  many  to  count.

She  coughed;  a  droplet  of  blood  flicked  onto  his  cheek.

 

NO.  His  mind  refused  to  believe  this  was  what  it  was.  She  was  going  to  be  fine.  Samina  was  NOT  going  to  die.  He  was  her  protector;  there  was  no  way  in  hell  she  would  die  in  his  arms.  Flames  engulfed  the  back  of  his  throat;  it  was  on  fire.  Then  appeared  a  massive  lump,  making  it  hard  to  swallow.  He  could  actually  feel  his  heart  breaking.  Thunder  growled.  He  looked  up  to  plead  God  not  to  take  her  away,  but  was  silenced  �"  the  smallest  dimmest  star  began  to  glow  brighter  than  the  rest.  Promptly,  clouds  swarmed  over  the  night  sky  blocking  the  view  of  Samina’s  star.  Before  his  heart  could  argue  with  reality,  the  screeching  returned.  The  pain  was  quickly  replaced.

 

Anger.  Fury.  WRATH.

 

The  car  hid  amongst  the  shadows.

Although  protection  was  too  late,  he  stood  before  her.

 

BANG  �"  launched  a  shot  from  out  of  the  night.

The  agonizing  pain…  it  hit  him.  He  dropped  to  his  knees,  one  hand  over  the  wound  on  his  shoulder.  From  the  corner  of  his  eye,  he  saw  Samina  lay  still,  shrivelled.  There  was  no  more  pain;  he  felt  nothing  but  rage.  His  body  shook  with  resentment,  as  if  during  convulsions.

 

If  I  can  just  get  a  look  of  their  faces, I  know  who  to  kill  next.

But  the  car  was  gone.

He  screamed,  not  for  his  pain,  but  in  frustration  �"  for  failing.

 

The  car  swerved  back  in  cockiness.

This  is  your  chance  Caiden.  Look  at  their  faces!

They  drew  closer.  Drenched  in  ferocity,  Caiden’s  eyes  fixated  on  the  faces  beneath  the  windshield.  But  he  saw  only  silhouettes.

Focus,  Caiden!

The  moonlight  flickered,  then  disappeared  as  soon  as  it  had  come.

The  abyss  of  darkness  and  pain  enclosed  on  him.  His  heart  ached  but  his  mind  was  prepared  for  revenge.  There  would  be  no  impunity.

 

He  had  seen  them.  Complacency.  Recognized  their  faces.  Contempt.

 

The  driver  and  the  man  with  the  gun.

The  Right-Hand  Man  and  the  Mafia  King.

 

 

 

His  brother…  and  his  father.

Author's Note

my first proper short story, so feedback would be most helpful. tell me what you think of the plot, the way its written, good/bad, tips for improvement..etc

Reviews

[Adoles]

Ultimately, I do think you are a good writer, and I would love to see this played out. I think the subtle details of movement, and shifting eyes would definitely increase the unspoken intricacies of the write. I was intrigued by the concept of the street light, of getting into the business, though, despite it being a short story (with or without intentions of being fleshed into something lengthier) the vagueness of 'the business' seems under developed, and abstract. What exactly was the business, and what had it entailed precisely? I can make the assumption of the drug industry, but I have researched it quite a bit, and am aware that there was something specific done, that would cause them to come after Caiden.

And that was...? I am left wanting know, though the write is very bitter. The only qualm I have is the following sentence fragment: "Not noticing the black Benz parked down the road." That should have been a part of the previous sentence.

Overall, your writing is concise and enjoyable.

[SM Davis]

The only real peace of advice I can give on this is to make sure your paragraph formatting is correct before you sumbit. Everything else is done well. Again, your imagery is impeccable.

[Alexanne Dauntless]

I like this. Rather fast paced, very interesting... captivating and it held my attention. There were a few grammatic errors here and there, but nothing overly major as far as I could tell. I do think that it should be sprinting, then running, but I could be off. I was pretty sure that is the technical order of acceleration though.

Very good job though, overall. I really liked this.

[Risa Maria]

I loved it. It was really detailed. Keep it up! :)

[DesertRose]

This is really great! You are an amazing writer, and your grammar, in my opinion, is excelent!
Great job! :)