Guilt

A Story by Sydney Rachel

Sometimes, guilt can get the better of you. It can stop you from doing things you'll later regret, or things that are against your better judgment. But sometimes, it's not enough.

The first thing I think when I regain consciousness is, F**k. I’m alive. Not, Where am I? (because I already know), and not, What happened? (because that’s all too clear.) I’ve known for a while now that I fail at life.

But apparently, I also fail at death.

As for where I am, I’m a bit conflicted. Intellectually, I know I’m in a hospital. But it’s as if all my senses have left me. I cannot see, hear, or feel anything.

And then, suddenly, I can. It’s as if someone has turned on a TV behind my eyelids. But my surroundings are not what I expect. I’m laying on the couch in the living room. My skin is a ghostly pale, and my eyes are closed. My mom is towering over me, screaming and crying. I can’t hear what she is saying exactly, but I can see her mouth moving and the tears rolling down her cheeks. I want to reach out to her, to comfort her in some way, but my arms won’t respond. In fact, it’s as if I’m not in my body at all. I’m watching the scene from an aerial view. For a moment, I wonder if I’m in… but no, I don’t believe in the afterlife.

I watch helplessly for what seems like hours upon hours of my mom weeping over my useless, cold, dead body. She keeps looking up as if she knows I’m watching, but I quickly remind myself that this is not real; there is no way I could be watching this.

Then, the scene changes. Instead of my mom finding me, it’s my dad. Then Haley. Then Kat. Then Erin. And finally, Jamie. His is the most agonizing. It is pure torture to watch that face, that face that I have memorized down to the very last freckle, contort in pain and grief. What’s even worse is the guilt, the knowledge that I did this to him. I don’t regret what I did, I really don’t. After sixteen years of pleasing everyone else, I finally committed the ultimate act of selfishness. Oh yes, for once, I did something purely for myself. I hate that I had to put Jamie through this, but living is just too painful. Still, the guilt consumes me until it’s all I can think about as I watch Jamie cry over what I have done to myself.