Virtual

 

When we got together the actions became a ritual,

Connect in every way mental physical and virtual,

We laughed together but my feelings never strengthened,

Time use to fly by now a days it seems to lengthen,

Every single day she tells me how much she loves me,

I smile back at her and tell her she looks lovely,

Spending time together it’s alright for a while,

But after all the conversation her voice becomes a little vile,

Like the screech from a chalkboard......

I like her a little but her love seems to be ensured,

I can feel the pain seeping through the arteries,

Its losing the energy like a cheap line battery,

She asks me why I can't give her one more chance,

And I reply with words that destroy her stance,

And she tells me every day I come up in her thoughts,

She's thinking to herself if I realize what I've got.....

 

Reviews

[Abdul Aziz]

I agree with Richard L. Williams. Those are the lines I liked too. A well written poem, that can be made better by adopting the changes a few people have metioned. Overall, nice work!

[Madame Mystique]

hey there :)
i personally like the subject you're portraying here however 2 little things that could improve your skills.
One of your reviewers pointed out that your rhymes seem a little forced and I agree and also I'm real picky sometimes with the format I'm not a good friend of eye squinting so i'd recommend separating the verses in stanzas ( i say this to almost everyone who writes a piece in a tight structure).

Other than those 2 things I enjoyed this piece a lot, thanks for sharing :)

[I.M. de Ville]

Aw... *Hug*

Quick suggestion: change the last line to, "She's wondering to herself if I realize what I've lost."
- I don't know why, but I think it would flow a bit better if you did.

Other than that, this was such a great poem. The switch in mood was great, as well as the analogies you used. "Cheap battery" was my favorite!

[A.Lee]

Your poetry always has a very strong rhythm to it. I think thats what initially drew me to your work. You do an excellent job with rhyme and meter. I loved the first two lines of this. Nice work.

[Miss Coral]

Great piece... relatable, real, powerfully done. The only thing I could offer up for criticism would be that a couple of the rhymes seem a little bit forced. I would consider working with some more subtle rhymes, rhyming emphasis in words rather than the ending. It still aids the flow, but usually doesn't sound forced.

Overall, great piece.

[Richard Williams]

Good honest expression. I like, "I can feel the pain seeping through the arteries". The line about the cheap line battery is good also.

[Iota]

You always write what others shy away from, thus your writings are always so raw and real, I call it charm. I love the opening to this one it sets the tone perfectly for the rest of the poem, "When we got together the actions became a ritual" We always try to keep our rituals even if we don't really love them. It is hard to break that pattern once it is set in stone. The rest of the poem simple speaks the truth that so many have experienced on both sides of that coin. I also love the ending because people assume that the other doesn't know what they are losing but have they ever considered that the person does know and chooses another direction. This is my favorite of yours it is right on point.

[Martina]

well done!
this is well written,
nice flow and rhymes
and great idea
100/100 rating ^_^

[Scott Kelly]

Rhymes need a little more work, I think. I'm not sure if "Ritual" and "Virtual" rhyme, and "A little vile" kinda throws me off. This is a poem! And the screech of nails on a chalkboard are more than just a little vile, don't you think? I'd say they're very vile.

Just some advice. Overall this is good.

[Addie]

Nice rhymes. Very emotional. I like it :)