Late Night Drive

Mary, having quite a long week decides to take a lonesome late night drive.

It’s  3AM. Mary drives downtown with no aim, lulled by the city lights as the car’s headlights lead the empty streets. Ironically some sense of comfort warms her.It is at night she feels the most alive. Walking in a place filled with people in the daylight stressed her, all the noise and action only made her loneliness grow as her unconsciousness begged for retreat.

Radiohead booms in the radio. With a hand in the steering wheel, the other falls off the window as the fresh breeze tickles the tips of her fingers. No stars shine in the sky, in fact, she senses small raindrops greeting her hand. The drizzle turns into a storm, she maintains apathetic, only listening more carefully this time.

Her mind is somewhere else. Everywhere but here. She stands between the rational and irrational one hand in the unknown the other on the wheel. Time slips away as the night breeze brushed her fingers. The city lights start vanishing as she goes in bumpy snake-like streets leaded by an urgent force. She closes the window and both hand hold the steering wheel. She realizes she lead herself to a distant suburb. Broke down houses pass by with leaking pipes faded colors and crooked broken gates . She keeps driving for quite a while only to realize she’s been passing by the exact houses again and again. Kafka Street a sign shows.  She decides to stop the car and take a look at the fold up map Kevin, her boyfriend,  left for her in the glove compartment.After searching thoroughly for the street with her finger she laughs at her self remembering the labyrinthine works of Franz Kafka. I’m screwed.

A shadow taps the glass window.

Author's Note

What can I improve in my writing?

Reviews

[J.Michele]

I really like this short story. You left an impressive cliff hanger and I loved how it flowed beautifully. You asked if you could improve you writing but there isn't much to improve. I think you could add a little more descriptive language to build some more suspense to the story's end, but other than that it was wonderfully written. Keep at it! :)

[T Passos]

I agree with you, I could have been more descriptive in the end. Thank you for your feedback, it has helped and encouraged me a lot... Lot's of love.

[J.Michele]

Aww happy to, you are a gifted writer x :)

[An owl on the moon]

One can feel the late hour, the darkness all around, and within. The music, the starless sky, the soft rain, all these create such a moving place of pain. Powerful words. I know too well that place between the rational and irrational, and love the dark depth of Kafka too. Brilliant writing.

[T Passos]

Thank you C Froman, I'm very glad you enjoyed it. It is always a pleasure to read your reviews!

[An owl on the moon]

Ah, and so glad to see you here again! Ate mais, amiga! :)

[richieb]

Keep writing Teresa, try to write everyday, exercise your creativity. Try copying a page or two of one of your favorite writers as an exercise, noting dialogue, character description, plot flow etc... RichieB.

[T Passos]

I will, thank you for your advice.

[David Marsden]

This was just starting to get interesting when it ends. The story needs conflict, something must happen. At present Mary goes for a drive. Apart from a few typo's the descriptive narative is really good, but the story has no conflict. If something happened in town and she is driving to get away from it that would be a conflict. If the story carried on and the tap on the window was a robber, a rapist, a gang leader, etc, then you have a situation, a story with a plot which woul unfold as it went along.
if you carried the story on it could go in many different ways depending on how you want to write it.
I think you have a good sence of writing and like I said earlier the descriptive narative is excellent. I think you just need to put something in the story to stir things up. If you have wrote this as the introduction to a longer story then it is great because it leads people into the story and keeps them reading. I like what you have written, it flows and is easily understood. It is definately a good piece of writing. I hope this helps. Keep on writing.

[T Passos]

I totally agree with you David, the story seems to be too very still. I often write things without context, with cliffhangers and more description than action. I will follow your advice. Anyways, thank you for your compliments and kind words. Much appreciated.

[David Marsden]

This story is such a cliff hanger that I'm waiting to see what happens next. I hope you continue it.
With it being a short piece it doesn't become boring, it is rather interesting. As I said earlier it just lacks conflict, but could go in many directions. You've wrote the beginning in style. Now just write the middle and end.

[siddhi]

thankyou for posting such a lovely story
quality matters not quantity


from
siddhi

[T Passos]

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me.

[B. Boileau]

You've captured the spirit of Kafka very well in this short story. I saw one very small error "snake-like streets leaded by" should be "lead by" other than that I loved the suspence. Unlike Kafka.... please don't burn your work we'll miss it if you do.
bill

[T Passos]

Thank you so much for your feedback! It encouraged me and helped me a lot. Lot's of love.