Finding Leena

Ileana &Jedson hate each other. They're supposed to, right? Isn't that what society expect brothers & sisters to act like? Can they get past society's expectations & find what they trully want, trully need,what is trully their destiny? dark themes

 

Finding Leena

 

By Calliope Elizabeth Sylvers

I. Introduction

Katelyn Thoroughberg sighed. Her two eldest siblings practically hated each other. No, not practically. They did hate each. There was no doubt about it. Katelyn was lying on her bed trying to read a book, but she kept getting interrupted by Ileana and Jedson screaming at each other. It got really annoying sometimes.

“Would you two just stop fighting, for God’s sake??!?!?!” Katelyn screamed, furious to the point of no return.

“We’re brother and sister. We’re supposed to fight!” Ileana screamed up towards her sister.

“Who said?!?!” Katelyn screamed. Who said? It was just the way Ileana and Jedson were: they gravitated towards each other. Some unknown rage jabbed them at their core.

“I don’t know!” Ileana screamed.

Katelyn sighed again and stared down at her book. It was pointless. All she saw were blurs of black and white. She kept going back to the beginning of the paragraph and rereading every word but nothing made sense because of the noise. Katelyn slammed her book shut and went downstairs to get a glass of lemonade.

 

II.

Ileana paced back and forth in her room. Jedson is so disgusting! How can he not give a crap about school? How can he not care about his grades? And why does he think the whole world revolves around him?!??! Ileana remembered that time when Jedson was drinking milk out of the container and then Rustin, their little brother, came up and yelled at him to leave some for the cereal and Jedson just spit the milk in his mouth back in the container!!! Did he not care at all how others felt?! And their fight today, it was so stupid. Jedson had brought his best friend Paul over and tried to humiliate Ileana and she ended up falling into the garbage can and then Jedson pushed it all the way down the driveway! WHY was he so mean to her? A bruise was forming on Ileana’s left cheek – a soft purple crept up on Ileana’s flesh, warning her. But a bruise is such a transient thing – something Ileana would not remember later on, something that would disappear with the wind. Paul had left soon after that. As if being covered in banana peels and crushed up tissues and dirty newspaper wasn’t enough, Jedson tried to blame the garbage can being knocked over on her!! They were screaming back and forth and Ileana felt like she was losing control and that she was on the verge of a rampage. This was so unfair!! It hadn’t always been like this….when they were little kids, they had gotten along. They hadn’t been perfect little angels; they fought, but they had their good moments too. Why did Jedson have to act like he was superior to her when he was actually one year younger than her? Why was he so egotistical? Her mom said that she had screamed in excitement when her brother was born but today Ileana could hardly believe that could have been true; who would wish such a pig into this world? A better question was why was he such a pig? What did he see in video games and fighting?

Ileana sighed and forced herself to stop thinking about Jedson. It made her freak out. He never gave her peace. Whenever she wanted to read he was blasting his stereo and when she sang he told her she didn’t have a voice and sometimes he talked to her in this voice that meant he was superior than her and could boss her around and that humiliated her because it should be the other way around.

‘Stop!’ she told herself out loud. ‘At least let yourself have peace when he’s finally quiet.’

But he’s not quiet, he’s downstairs playing videogames with Rustin, locked in the TV. room.  He’s everywhere, haunting your every move. You hate him because he isn’t the boy you remember. You have no reason to hate him; all teenage boys love video games and violence.

Ileana sat down at her desk and flipped through the pages of her dictionary. She knew it was weird but it was a habit of hers and she just couldn’t stop. She liked big words.

And so what if that made her a nerd? Or a loser or a freak? She didn’t care. Because she knew she wasn’t a loser. She was pretty no matter what other people said about her behind her back. She had dark hair and she wouldn’t trade it for blonde in a second! Straight A’s made her who she was. She hated Calculus but she got through it and now it’s over and she doesn’t have to take math ever again. From downstairs, Ileana heard a violent crash. She cringed, guessing where that came from.

 “Jedson!” someone screamed. It was their father, the violent one.

Ileana wondered what happened but then she shrugged. She didn’t care. It was about time her ‘annoying little brother’ got in trouble for something he did. He was sixteen, for God’s sake! And he still acted like he was seven years old making noises in the car annoying everyone half to death. Only in a different way.

Ileana shut the dictionary when Katelyn walked into the room they shared. At least Ileana had a sister that cared about her.

“What’s wrong?” Katelyn asked.

Ileana looked into her sister’s wide, innocent blue eyes and sighed. “Is it that obvious that I’m upset?”

“Yes,” Katelyn said. There was a pause; silence invaded the air for a moment and Ileana spun around the world on an enigma. Katelyn was right. Ileana’s hair was tangled in a mess. Dark strands covered her eyes, hiding forlorn darkness. She had no make-up on. Her voice was hoarse from screaming. And she was alone in her room reading a dictionary.

Katelyn hesitated, and then asked, “Why are you always so angry at Jedson?”

“He made fall into a trash can in front of Paul and then he pushed the trash can down the driveway and then blamed me for the trash spilling….” Ileana started to say. She paused, and sighed. “He hates me, Katelyn. And he is so down-right annoying!”

“So is Rustin,” Katelyn ventured.

“Not in the same way,” Ileana said, staring at the wall.

“Okay, fine, I guess you’re right, but you don’t have to let it control your life,” Katelyn conceded.

“I know,” Ileana said. “I know, I know, I know.”

There was a knock on the door. “Dinner’s ready,” someone said. It was Jedson.

“Tell them I’m not hungry,” Ileana said.

“Me too,” Katelyn said.

“Fine, have it your way,” Jedson said and left the vicinity.

Ileana turned on her stereo and blasted her music as loudly as possible. She started dancing, and jumping, getting her energy out, getting her anger out, and singing the lyrics because whether she had a voice or not (right now her throat was sore from screaming but most of the time she did (have a voice), thanks very much) singing the lyrics of songs about other peoples’ lives made her forget about hers. Katelyn joined in. Soon they were both dancing and singing “Stand Up And Be Strong” by Soul Asylum.  

Suddenly she smiled. At least some things in her life were finally going right. Their youngest sister, Jessie, was only five and definitely in her cute stage. She didn’t have that many friends at school, but she had two sisters that she cared about. She had her goals, her dreams, her passions, and her obsessions. Life was good, for the most part. Her parents didn’t even throw tables at each other the way they used to. Dad broke mom’s ankle twice and forced her into an asylum. Later, after their father pushed Katelyn out of the car, the school counselor advised our mom to get a restraining order against dad, but she didn’t. When she was ten, her dad ran off, only to return four months later. Mom and dad went to couples’ counseling and now, for the most part, they got along. Their passion even bloomed all over again. Who would have seen that coming?

 

III. The White Cat

 

A pale moon rose as the sun abandoned the sky, its fiery passion dissipating into the shadows of the universe. A forlorn shriek echoed across the cold, gray sky. But darkness did not explode; it was only a white-furred cat, with bright green eyes, staring up at the stars with this creepy look. It was almost as if the wild cat knew something no one else knew; something prescient; but she was only a stray cat, lost and wandering, and somehow she had come about the Thoroughberg Household and now she sat on the front porch howling as if she were a werewolf. But she was but a cat, and her scream was really no more than an innocent meow.

Inside a girl with dark, wavy hair stepped out of bed and walked down the stairs, as if in a trance, and opened the door. She stood outside as if waiting for something. Or someone.

Ileana sighed when she saw the white cat. It was only a cat. There was no stranger; there was no intruder. Ileana walked over to the cat and crouched down and gently stroked its fur, smiling. The cat was skinny; it was obviously a stray. But there was something weird about the cat. There was something somehow ethereal about its….her….bright green eyes.

“What did you see?” Ileana whispered.

The cat meowed. The cat turned her face away from the dark, starry sky and turned to face the girl kneeled down at its side.

Suddenly the cat stood taller on her four feet and started to move forward. There was something frantic about her prance, but Ileana could not sense what. Ileana stood up and followed the cat, and soon decided that the stray was a weird one indeed. The cat started running, forcing Ileana to move faster in order to keep up. Was the cat trying to lead her somewhere? Was this night’s meeting more than mere coincidence; mere chance?

The cat stopped and rolled over onto her back, and Ileana kneeled down and rubbed the cat’s stomach, and the cat purred. Suddenly Ileana started to wonder if the screech really had come from the cat, for how can a creature that purrs this gently make a sound so vicious and loud? But in her heart of hearts Ileana knew that it was indeed this cat that screeched. She did not know how she knew except that the cat seemed to be a stray…..the cat was wandering, yes….but she did not seem to be lost. For all that wander are not lost.

Suddenly the cat stood up on all four legs and ran off into the night, faster than Ileana could have imagined possible. Ileana sighed and decided not to try to follow the cat. She stood up and walked back to her house, looking down and realizing she was still wearing her jade green nightgown and her face was unwashed and her hair was untamed and all over the place. Ileana laughed and opened the door. She went into the bathroom and washed her face. She looked at the clock. 2:34 a.m. It was the middle of the night. Late. Or early. Whatever the matter, it was an absurd hour. Ileana yawned and crawled into her bed, but she found that she could not close her eyes again.

Something about that white cat continued to gnaw at her. Sleep would give her no answers.

What was it that the white cat started? What was it that the white cat saw? What did the white cat know? Why did the white cat screech, as if in warning, and then purr so gently and so sweetly and then run off into the night so mysteriously?

Ileana sighed. The image of the strange white cat simply wouldn’t leave her. For hours it seemed to her she lay on her bed, her eyes wide open, staring out into empty space, wondering. And finally she fell asleep, and perhaps her dreams would tell her that it was not the cat that had started something. In fact, nothing had started at all; perhaps, the cat had foreseen something starting. Or maybe seeing the cat had started something. Yes, maybe her dreams would tell her. Or maybe she would never know.

When Ileana woke up in the morning, at first she had forgotten about the white cat. When she was placing two slices of wheat bread into the silver stained toaster, it all came back to her with a jolt. She smiled. The white cat would be her secret. Suddenly she looked at her clock. It was 7:20 a.m. She only had 5 minutes to get ready for school. Forgetting about the toast, she quickly through on a black and gray plaid skirt and a bright, almost neon, pink shirt. She ran down stairs and grabbed a granola bar and ran out the door.

During AP Biology she was bored and was writing a list: Ten Things I Hate About Jedson: He never washes his hair; he pretends not to care about school; he thinks he’s better than anyone else; he spends his life playing video games; he exists; he’s my brother; his friends have no sense of humanity; he constantly tries to embarrass me; he’s evil; he’s Jedson. Ileana crumpled up the list she made and looked up at the blackboard. They were learning about genetics, but Ileana already knew most of the information, as she took honors biology in 8th grade in her old school.

Her mind started to wander to the white cat, and she started obsessing over the cat. She threw the topic back and forth in her mind and as much as she tried to be rid of it, it simply wouldn’t leave her. The teacher was talking about genetic mutations and suddenly Ileana wondered if the white cat was mutated. No, it probably wasn’t. It didn’t really seem abnormal in its physical qualities; it was more something different, something outside of the physical aura; something that Ileana couldn’t quite put a finger on.

And time passed. Days and days went by and the white cat did not come back. And the daily vicissitudes were boring-wake up, go to school, do homework, go home. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened, and yet something had started. Everything was exactly how it was supposed to be. The white cat hadn’t really started anything at all.

But what was supposed to be? In this world where right and wrong is a black and white line where there is no betweens…no gray areas….allowed, how one make sense of things? What was supposed to be?

And the family had a game night, or, at least, tried to, anyways. Almost as soon as the game night started Ileana and Jedson were fighting and Katelyn was trying to get Ileana to calm down and Jessie had a temper-tantrum because she lost and Rustin….was, well, Rustin. And the game night erupted into a volcano, and it was no more.

And where was love, amidst all this chaos? Why? Where did it go?

Is this what was supposed to be? A hatred family?

But the white cat was not heard. The white cat knew nothing. In the end the white cat would only be a symbol that started things. And surely this was no end. For nothing can end in hate, for hate so passionate can only be one thing….a mask.

A mask unknown; a mask in which the wearer believes that it is the true skin. A mask that hides the real skin….fear takes over, prickling the insides, thwarting courage. And there is none, because there never was and never could be. The mask is sealed shut, and the wearers become the mask. Because if it is peeled away…..alas, what would one find? What would one want to find?

 

VII. Memories

 

A little girl sat on the edge of the water, her thin legs dangling on the edge. She kicked the water and smiled. Innocent chocolate eyes stared straight up at the sunny sky. She smiled, revealing gems of white. Her short hair was pulled into pigtails. She pulled them out, and giggled.

“Aren’t you going to go in the water?”

She shook her head. “Ice cold.”

“Your brother’s in the water.”

The girl suddenly smiled.

On the steps stood a 4-year-old boy wearing orange floaties on both of his arms, splashing about in the water jubilantly.

“No floaties,” the girl said, pouting. She stood up and ran over to the shallow end and jumped in. She splashed the boy.

“Hey! Leena! Stop!” But he was laughing, also.

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Fossil hunting. A marshy, rocky landscape. The wilderness. Before their father left. Two children, 8 and 7, struggled up a big rock and looked out at the horizon. They weren’t the only children there, as it was a group trip, but it wasn’t a school trip either.

They clambered down. Their knees were dirty and there was mud in their hair but no one really cared and it didn’t really matter. They went out into the murky water knee deep, bending down to search for interesting thing-a-magigs. They splashed. They dared to go out further than most of the people there. That was who they were – who they were destined to become – after all.

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They sat quietly at the drawing table. Only 4 and 3. Just sitting there. Almost every day, scribbling. To their minds, probably magnificent arts, colorful, rainbow. A figment of the imagination, left lingering there, every day as a young mother watched two children….toddlers, really…just getting along.

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10 years old. A slamming door. Tears, the color red. Red rage invading the mind, and fists going places where they didn’t belong. Shattered glass on the bottom of the staircase. That vase with the pretty red roses thrown on the ground….and red no longer was the color of romance, but the color of viscous, angry blood. The tears of a 9-year-old boy who didn’t understand what was happening, huddled up in his bedroom listening to his parents scream. Shaking legs and tears that would not stop, and a 10-year-old girl with braided hair holding him tight, comforting him, telling him that it was alright, that they didn’t really mean it, that their parents still loved each other.

Day after day it continued. Blood was shed and kept a secret. No one knew the children knew what the parents did at midnight. Attacking each other instead of sleeping.

Again, a slamming door. But somehow it was different this time. She heard an engine start.

And that was the last time they saw their father, until he came back a different person. But nothing was ever the same, not exactly.

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They stayed in the little house. It didn’t feel right to move. At least not right away. And it was a nice little family. A mother and a girl and a boy, until their father came back and made three more children. But it didn’t really feel all that nice.

Because ten-years-old isn’t really that little, when there is no father. When there are secrets that need to be guarded. For a year or two brother and sister were close, until they started junior high, and they went their separate ways.

 

VIII. Distraction…or not?

 

Almost a month passed and nothing changed. Nothing happened. Ileana decided she needed to forget about the white cat nonsense. She decided that she would audition for the school play….a wry smile stretched across her face suddenly…..but she would keep it secret. No one had to know until she got the part. Which she would do…..whenever she wanted to achieve something, she was always able to because of her fierce, relentless determination. Ileana stifled a grin. It was fun to use big words, even if only in thought. She walked over to her locker and opened it and grabbed her black cardigan. It was lunch time, but she decided to skip lunch and go to the drama office where the scripts for the upcoming play were and sign up to audition.

Once the script was in her hand, Ileana smiled. She decided to go to the library to read over the script. It was called “Ice Tears”. Ileana read over the script and found out it was about a young girl who was supposed to fulfill some sort of prophecy. As Ileana read over the play, she found out that it was more about romance than any prophecy. The main character was a sorceress, who most people hated, except for one person. The main character’s name was Jade. The main male character’s name Rick. Ileana smiled. This was going to be fun. It would certainly distract her from all of the bickering at home. And she could forget about the white cat. The white cat was a stray whom just happened to wander past Ileana’s doorstep; nothing more. Nothing more.

So the next two weeks Ileana practiced Jade’s lines, in secret, of course. Soon the day of the auditions came. Suddenly the auditorium looked dark and foreboding. Huge. Ileana walked in and found no one there. She saw a notice stapled to the wall. It said that the auditions would be held individually, and each individual would be given a number. No one would know who else was auditioning. Also, professionals had come to hold the audition so the students’ names would not be known and there would be no prejudice or predisposition in the selection process.

Ileana sighed at this change. She looked down the list and realized that the list was not sorted alphabetically. It was sorted randomly. That made sense. If it was alphabetically, the judges would have extra, unneeded foresight. Ileana smiled at the fact that she was number 13. She wouldn’t have to wait that long. But where were the auditions, if they weren’t in the auditorium? Ileana looked back at the notice, and found that it said that students auditioning would be summoned to the auditorium during classes, one at a time, and therefore the auditions could be private. Also it meant she would have to miss class. She frowned at that fact, but it was alright. She had one extra day to practice.

The next day, near the end of the day, she was called to the auditorium to audition. When she went up on stage she closed her eyes and transitioned into the character she was supposed to be playing.

“No….I cannot. Papa, I cannot fulfill the prophecy. It is not me. I am sorry…..but you have heard wrong. I am too young to save the world, father….my powers are not strong enough.”

Her lips trembled and she stared at the ground. She reached her finger up to her eye, feeling a single tear rolling down her cheek as though her cheek was a gentle hilltop.

The person auditioning for the father said, “But you are mistaken, my daughter. You underestimate yourself.”

“No! You don’t get it! I’m not a warrior! You want me to be….but I’m not.” She paused, her voice suddenly turning gentle. “And besides….I cannot leave Rick. I cannot.”

“Rick is not a sorcerer. He is different from you. You cannot be together.”

“We can. You can not tell me who I can or can not date! It’s a free world, Papa. You can’t help who you fall in love with. I can’t hide it anymore. I love him, Papa.”

The audition ended. Ileana left the stage, smiling. She was sure she had done a good job. She was sure she would get the part. A week passed and soon the list posting who got what part was up. Ileana nervously walked up to the list. She looked down to the part of Jade and found out that she indeed had gotten the part! In her excitement she did not bother to look at the rest of the list. In the moment, it did not matter to her who the other actresses and actors would be. She smiled and ran home. She couldn’t wait to tell her parents that she would be in the school play!

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At home, the dinner table was quiet for once. Ileana cleared her throat and started to speak. “So….” She started. “I have good news. I kept it secret before, because I wasn’t sure exactly how it would turn out, but….I auditioned for the school play, “Ice Tears”, and….I got the part. The main part: the heroine. I got the part of Jade!”

Before anyone had a chance to congratulate her or even say anything, Jedson screamed, “NOO….!”

“What?” Ileana asked dumbfounded.

“You have to drop out,” Jedson said.

“No way. You can’t tell me what to do,” Ileana said.

“I got the part of Rick,” Jedson said.

“You’re lying,” Ileana said. Her eyes were vicious with rage.

“No I’m not,” Jedson said.

“Then you drop out,” Ileana said smugly.

Their parents interrupted them. “Neither of you are dropping out. You both need to honor your commitment. You need to be able to cooperate enough to be in a play together, for God’s sake!” Mrs. Thoroughberg said.

“But…” Ileana said. “But….they’re the main characters….”

“So?” Mrs. Thoroughberg said.

“It’s a romance,” Ileana said.

Suddenly Mrs. Thoroughberg understood. She wasn’t changing her mind, though.

“You still have to honor your commitment. It’s acting. It’s not real,” their mother said.

“I’m not hungry anymore,” Ileana said and she pushed away her chair and ran up the stairs to her bedroom. Katelyn had followed her.

Ileana turned on her music and laid on her bed on her stomach and put a pillow over her head. This was so unfair! She wanted to do something that would bring her farther away from Jedson. What was the point of being at rehearsal if being at rehearsal wouldn’t be avoiding Jedson like she had planned?

Ileana sat up and pulled the script out of her backpack. She smiled. She was still glad that she got the part of Jade. She just wished someone else had got the part of Rick. Anyone but Jedson. She wasn’t even thinking about the fact that Jedson was her brother. She was too busy dwelling over the fact that she hated him to death.

Ileana suddenly saw Katelyn in their bedroom. “I hate him so much, Kate,” Ileana said.

“You better watch out,” Katelyn said, “Hate that strong….can easily turn.”

They both laughed. “No way,” Ileana said.

“But why do you hate him?” Katelyn asked.

“I don’t know…he’s mean to me. He thinks he’s better than everyone else and I’m sure he thinks I’m a loser. I just don’t know.”

“Has he always been like that? You know, before I was born?” Katelyn asked.

“I don’t know….” Ileana said. “I don’t know. I don’t care….”

“Are you going to stay in the play?” Katelyn asked. Ileana nodded. She showed the script to Katelyn. Katelyn looked over the script. Then she looked up at Ileana. Even Katelyn looked tense.

“Jedson’s playing Rick?” Katelyn asked. Ileana nodded. “And you’re playing Jade?”Katelyn asked. Again, Ileana nodded. Katelyn was quiet for a moment, and then said, “They kiss, Ileana. More than one time.”

“I can’t stand this,” Ileana said to her only friend, Rebecca, the next day.

“What can’t you stand?” Rebecca asked, a little perplexed at first.

“I got the lead in the school play,” Ileana said.

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Rebecca asked, confused.

“No, because it would look bad if I quit. Even if I had a good excuse. Even if not quitting would be almost like breaking the law. I can’t quit,” Ileana said.

“Wait a minute, why would you quit? And how would it be “breaking the law”?” Rebecca asked. Now she was even more confused.

“Well, it wouldn’t be….because, technically it’s just acting,” Ileana said, first looking down at the floor and then up at the ceiling and then into Rebecca’s chocolate brown orbs.

Rebecca looked at Ileana, studying her almost blood-piercing gaze. She said softly, “What aren’t you telling me, Ileana?”

Silence hovered in the air for a moment or two, and then Ileana said softly, barely at whisper decibel, “Jedson got the male lead.” Ileana paused. “You auditioned too. You’ve seen the script.” Rebecca nodded.

“Well, it’s just acting!” Rebecca finally said.

“I know, but it doesn’t change the fact that I loathe him,” Ileana said.

“Then quit,” Rebecca said.

“No,” Ileana said.

“Then get Jedson to quit,” Rebecca said, as if it was that simple.

“I already tried,” Ileana said, shrugging. “He refused.”

“Well….” Rebecca said, starting to laugh, play-teasing her friend. “Have fun then….” She said running off. “I have to get to class…”

“Hey! No fair….” Ileana said but she gave up. She went to her locker and grabbed her binder and walked to her next class: Drama.

 “Class,” the teacher said, “As you all know auditions for the school play are over, and the casting list was posted a couple of days ago. We’re pushed for time, so for those of you who got a part…..congratulations to the four of you in this class who did…..rehearsal starts this afternoon after school in the auditorium.” Ileana groaned.

“What’s wrong, Ileana?” the teacher asked, “And why are you interrupting my class?” Jedson laughed.

            “Nothing’s wrong….and I’m sorry,” Ileana mumbled.

“Well,” the teacher said, “Anyways. I decided that today’s lesson on acting will be very interesting indeed. Since the actors for the two main roles happen to be in this class….I’d like them to come up to the front.” She paused. “There’s no such thing as too much rehearsal,” she said, giggling a wry giggle.

Another student raised their hand. “What would that teach us about acting??”

The teacher looked at the student, and then said, “Well, as you know, in Shakespeare’s day, there were only male actors. Men had to dress up as females. They had to act. Traditionally, acting is playing a role you never would in real life, and making it become a part of them. A true actor, a true lover of drama, is able to do that. No matter what. Under any and all circumstances.”

The teacher paused. The silence was almost deathly. “So, would…um…” she pretended to walk over her desk to look at her copy of the casting list. “….Ileana Thoroughberg….and…..um…Jedson Thoroughberg…..come to the front please.” ‘Talk about complete, total humiliation,’ Ileana thought.

“And have your scripts with you,” the teacher added. “And, anyone else in this class who got a part, you might as well come up too.” Someone raised their hand.

 “Yes?” the teacher asked.

“How can Ileana and Jedson play the lead? Aren’t they…um….brother and sister?” the student asked.

“In real life, yes. In the play….they are not Ileana and Jedson. They are Jade and Rick,” the teacher said.

“Anyways,” the teacher said. She handed out scripts to the rest of the class who either didn’t get parts or who didn’t try out. “Open your scripts to Act 2, Scene i.” Everyone did. Ileana looked scared, perplexed, almost, but she was determined not to quit.

They started reading lines:

Jade: “Rick, I decided.”

Rick: “What did you decide?”

Jade: “I….I’m not gonna be one of my father’s pawns. He can find someone else.”

Rick: “Are you sure?”

Enter Lauri, Jade’s sister.

Lauri: Jade, your father calls for you.

Jade: I’m not coming. Tell him….Rick and I are busy.

The teacher interrupted. “With more passion, guys. Your voices are almost monotones. It absolutely won’t do.”They read the lines again, going further.

Jade: Go on, Lauri, leave. Leave. Now.

Lauri: Your boyfriend’s more important than your father? And your duties?

Jade: He’s more than a boyfriend, Lauri. I….I think I love him.

Lauri: Well, he’s your boyfriend. Of course you love him. Not that father approves or anything.

Jade: I love him more than a girlfriend would. It’s not what you think, Lauri….It’s not just about….the physical saga. It’s something else. Something real

Lauri: Fine, suit yourself. Father won’t be happy.

Exit Lauri.

Rick: So, what were you going to tell me[turns to look at Jade

Jade[walks towards Rick]: Shh, don’t talk…

Then Ileana froze. Oh no. Jade was supposed to kiss Rick. She shook her head suddenly and looked up at the teacher. “I c..cc…can’t….” she said desperately.

“You have to. What are you going to do on stage? Freeze and run away?” the teacher responded.

“Yeah, but in front of all my classmates…” Ileana asked.

“During the actual play the audience will be much bigger,” the teacher reminded Ileana.

Ileana noticed that students were inching forward in their seats. Some of them were trying to discreetly take their cell-phones out. To take pictures. The teacher turned to the class. “If I catch anyone with cell-phones, it will be confiscated, and you will be suspended.” Then the teacher had the actors start from the beginning of the scene again.

Rick: So, what were you [turns to look at Jade]

Jade[walks towards Rick]: Shh, don’t talk…

Ileana shivered. She was shaking. Why, why, why had she auditioned for the school play? Why? Ileana looked at Jedson. He looked so disgusting and gross, with his messy hair. He was lazy. He was inconsiderate. He was selfish and egotistical and a maniac and….ugh, the hate was almost contagious. Ileana tried to get rid of her death glare, but she couldn’t. Her hate for Jedson was so strong, filled with so much passion and anger and poison, that suddenly she wasn’t Jade anymore; she was Ileana, a raven-haired girl standing in front of a disgusting pig that she absolutely hated, who was being forced to kiss him….And rage grew, boiling under her skin, and it was just the kind of the emotion that the play needed. The emotion was strong; the strongest hate ever. And she leaned in, as if her lips were some sort of knife or gun or poisoned arrow, pretending her lips were just that, some sort of knife or gun or poisoned arrow. And in that moment, she wanted to kill him…strangle him…and she leaned in and he was doing the same thing. He was thinking the same thing. But hate that strong wasn’t normal. It wasn’t the way you were supposed to hate your brother or sister. It was almost…the way you were supposed to hate your ex. Your ex that you still secretly loved. Underneath the mask.

No. It wasn’t. It wasn’t that kind of hate. Hate that wasn’t really hate. Hate that was love in disguise. It wasn’t. It couldn’t be. Could it?

And their lips met, and….two ends of a fiery rage met, and the anger provided just enough passion to…produce sparks…..and then….it felt…..like nothing had ever felt like before….and suddenly the hate turned into desire. Only for a second. But it did. They pulled apart and looked at each other, eyes wide. Then Ileana fainted.

For no more than one second, Jedson was too stunned to speak. Then he ran over to his sister’s side. “Leena?? Leena??” There was no response. ‘This was his fault’, he told himself. ‘I’m to blame. It was scripted….but…no. There was nothing else. But there was….no. I was hallucinating. It was nothing…..’ But then why had Ileana fainted?

Jedson quickly checked for a pulse. Yep, she was still breathing. Jedson sighed a breath of relief. Shortly the teacher was at Ileana’s side. “Is she alright?” Jedson asked and then he was surprised. Normally he wasn’t the kind of person to voice concern. He dodged responsibility-he knew it-and he said things he didn’t mean and he didn’t give a damn about school. At least, it looked that way. Here was this hardcore person, this Mr. popular, this date a million girls but never fall in love and cheat behind their backs, person. No. He didn’t really do that. They were rumors. Only rumors. Here was this person, and now he was by his fallen sister’s side and he cared.

He forced himself to stand up. He was not weak. He did not buckle to emotion. Ileana would be alright. Not that he cared, he forced himself to add, partly because of his self-reputation. She just fainted from shock.

Black, then stars. A dark blanket shielded her eyes. There was a cobblestone road, cracked a little bit. She was sprawled out on it. Her legs were twisted to the side and her vision was distorted. She blinked, and saw pink and yellow stars. She sat up, confused. She was dizzy. She stared straight ahead of her and walked, almost in a zombie-like trance. The world seemed strange, almost as if the world was coming to an end, but not quite to the end; only far enough to the end that everyone would suffer. The sky was gray. Suddenly there was a noise. Purring. Ileana turned around and she was surprised, but not as surprised as she should have been, to see a white cat sitting down, staring at her, purring. The white cat. Ileana kneeled down and stroked the white cat’s fur. She smiled, gingerly eyeing the cat.

She didn’t speak. She knew that if she had questions, a cat could not answer her. Life was weird, but not that weird. Ileana smiled at the cat and stood up. She continued walking, straight ahead. She walked for what seemed like miles and miles. Her memory was blank. It was an empty bank. All she knew of was this world, this dream world, although she did not know it was a dream, and she knew only the crazy images passing her by and the white cat’s soft purring. Yes, the white cat was following her. And it started to rain. Just her luck, for it to rain. Ileana stared up at the storm cloud that caused the rain. She winced. Then she saw a shadow approaching. It was dark, and tall, and she was scared. She shivered, not because it was cold, but because she had a creepy feeling crawling up her spine that she couldn’t quite place, and it bothered her that she didn’t know what was causing it. The figure stepped out from behind a tree and his face was covered in a black mask and his whole body was cloaked, and Ileana didn’t know who it was. An abductor? A madman? Was she going to die? Did he have a rifle…..was he going to rape her….

She didn’t have the time to find out. The lights were calling, and almost as soon as she had fallen into this bleak shadow, this dismal, fading cosmos, she felt herself being pulled out of shadows. She felt fingers reaching at her heart, and it was at the grips of her soul, past the edges. The heart was the center of her soul. And there seemed to be a tug-of-war going on. She let the warm fingers win. She embraced the light. She had only been asleep, and now, she was back…

Ileana opened her eyes. So it had been a dream….seeing the white cat, and that cobblestone road that made her feet hurt. And the kiss….had the kiss been a dream? No. She remembered. The kiss had happened. In real life. It happened. Ileana shivered. Then she bolted upright. How much time had passed? She was going to be late for her next class….

Forcing herself to sit up, Ileana looked around. The rest of the students had vacated, and only the drama teacher and Jedson were by Ileana’s side. Jedson had stayed? Why? (Later the teacher told her that she had forced Jedson to stay.)

“Are you alright?” the teacher asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine, what time is it, I have to get to class…” Ileana started rambling.

“It’s 1:59 p.m. School’s over in ten minutes,” the teacher said.

So Jedson stayed so he could get out of class? Sounds just like him. Ileana looked up at Jedson. Then she looked down. She reached for the ledge of the chalkboard and pulled herself into a standing position.

It looked like the teacher wanted to talk to them. Probably about the play. “Neither of you have to be in the play,” the teacher started, “You could quit; there would be no shame. But if you are going to be in the play….you do understand that the play has to be of upmost quality. You have to give it your all. You have to….play the role of Jade and Rick….even though….you’re….”

“….brother and sister,” Ileana finished for her.

The teacher nodded. “So are you up for it?” the teacher asked.

“I’m not a quitter,” Ileana said proudly. “I just don’t see why he won’t quit….he’s only in it for popularity….”

“Not true,” Jedson said, although part of him agreed that it was true. He just wanted to argue. He wanted to fight with Ileana. He needed to make himself believe that what had happened during drama class was….acting, and no more than acting. He had to prove it to himself, by hating Ileana. He had to.

Ileana looked up at Jedson and frowned. He was so belligerent. “You know it’s true. You’re an egotistical, attention-hoarding pig….”

Jedson interrupted. “I can’t be a pig; I look too good to be a pig.”

The teacher interrupted. “And fighting will only hinder the play’s….success. It will show in the characters. At least pretend not to hate each other.”

They looked each other, with frozen glances, their eyes as fiery as flames and as cold as ice. But there was something else, hiding beneath the petty rage, and both of them could feel it. And they didn’t like it. Ileana turned around and faced the teacher, and nodded. The bell rang. School was over, for the day at least. But there was still rehearsal.

“There will be no rehearsal today. But we’ll start tomorrow, right after school. No didal-dallying now,” the teacher said.

Ileana and Jedson walked out of the classroom, each breathing a sigh of relief. They didn’t look at each other, and they didn’t talk about what happened. They pretended it didn’t happen. They hated each other. That was what they told themselves, every hour of every night. But hate, hate wasn’t the reason what happened today made them feel queasy. They weren’t only mortal enemies. They were also siblings.

When they got home, Ileana ran up to her room and slammed her door. When dinner was ready, she said she wasn’t hungry. She stayed in her room, staring at the ceiling, listening to the faint, constant beat of her heart drowning out the noise coming from the rest of the house. She stood up and turned her radio on. But then she turned it off, because listening to music forced her to think, and thinking was something she didn’t want to do at the moment. She sighed and went down to the kitchen to get a glass of lemonade. He was in his room, too. She could tell, because his music was blasting. Typical.

She listened as the ice cubes fell into the crystal-clear glass she was holding. She poured the lemonade into the glass and she took a sip but she didn’t really taste it….she just felt….numb.

Numb. (adjective) with no feeling. unable to feel or have sensations. emotionless. Unable to feel emotions.

Ileana finished her glass of lemonade then tossed it into the sink. She started to walk away, but then she walked back and washed it.

Time passed. Two weeks went by, and rehearsal three days a week, each one filled with utter misery and agony. The next time they had to stage-kiss, they just pretended. Their lips were millimeters away, and they could feel the heat burning their flesh, but nonetheless the flesh did not even graze each other. And the teacher noticed. The audience would too. Jade and Rick couldn’t look like two people who hated each other. Jade and Rick were in love. So the next rehearsal they didn’t rehearse that scene, but the rehearsal after that, they did. And fire danced in Ileana’s eyes, and she thought of all the games and fighting and nonsense and thought what could it all really mean? What was behind all the anger and angst and drama? Why did she hate her brother? It wasn’t right, either, to hate him. Hating him is just as bad. It’s like using faulty cover-up. The kind of make-up that doesn’t really cover the pimples all the way, or make-up spread only on the face, and not on the chin, so it’s obvious that the person is wearing make-up. How much longer could their twisted anger go on before turning into….something….else?

Ileana leaned into the subtle heat of his body and kissed him, and the kiss was passionate, but she was Jade and he was Rick. There were no questions in their eyes, like the first time. They pretended those feelings they got when their lips touched, didn’t exist. They pretended it was all a matter of pretend; that it was all a matter of acting and no more than that. No more than that.

They were pretty good actors; they had memorized their lines and said their lines the way the actual characters would have. On the way home from rehearsal one night Ileana heard something on the radio about Lord of The Rings. About how Arwen marries Aragorn in the end. And how it isn’t right. Not because they were a different species. Elf and man; immortal and mortal. Because they were brother and sister. By adoption, and with two-thousand-years between them, but brother and sister nonetheless.

That night Ileana decided to watch Lord of The Rings. It had never really been her thing, but she got into it. And what she noticed had nothing to do with Aragorn and Arwen. Arwen was beautiful and Aragorn was the perfect example of the self-sacrificing warrior with dirty hair and a too-important destiny, sure, but that wasn’t what Ileana noticed. She noticed Eowyn, the warrior-woman, the tomboy, the skinny fighter with tears in her eyes. Her slim silhouette, hovering over the shadows of warfare and blood. Watching her uncle die. Collapsing, her strength failing her. Not really. Not forever. Because then there was Eomer. Eowyn and Eomer. Together. Eowyn and Eomer, brother and sister. It wasn’t written into the book and it definitely wasn’t written into the movie, but it was there, nonetheless. Ileana smiled. Could she accept her feelings? Could she accept that, like Eowyn and Arwen, she had fallen for her brother?

Ileana decided that she did. She refused to admit it at first, but now the feeling was stronger than ever. It was almost like….she had a crush on her brother. No. It was more than that. She was in love with her brother. And he would never know. She could never tell him. Or anyone. She had to keep it inside of her forever.

It was wrong on so many levels. She tried to push the feeling away, but it refused to leave. She even pretended to try to like someone else, but she couldn’t. The feeling was too strong, and too real. She lived and breathed it. She lived for that icy chill that crawled down her legs whenever she saw him and she knew that she was thinking of him in a way she never should. When he was in his room blasting his music, she thought about it. When they fought, she thought about it. During rehearsal, she thought about it. And she barely slept. She thought about it almost every second of the day and almost every second of the night. It was wrong, but she couldn’t help it. It was incest, but as months went by, she became obsessed with the word. And soon, she grew accustomed to it. She didn’t care about the rules anymore. She knew the world thought it was wrong, but she didn’t understand anymore.

They didn’t know each other. Or, they did, but not really. Or anymore. Either way, it was killing both of them. At least, it was killing her. Slowly, painfully. And slowly, as all of the memories from the past faded into ashes, she changed. She kept her real persona, of course, buried under layers and layers of stone and brick and ice. She didn’t tell anyone how she was feeling. Because she couldn’t. She knew deep inside that it would have to stay inside of her forever, digging a hole that can never be mended. It stabbed her every day. And she only hoped that he would never find out. His life didn’t need to be ruined as well.

But her life wasn’t going to be ruined. That wasn’t possible, because she was an artist. An artist who forgot who she was and forgot her real passions…an artist who forgot the advice of a wise teacher in fifth grade, “don’t let boys distract you.” And she never thought she would fall in love with someone she wasn’t allowed to love. She didn’t realize it until the middle of her junior year, but it had been there for a long time, hibernating. Why couldn’t its sleep be eternal? Why? It was hard for her, this feeling gnawing at her every day, and for a long time she tried to push it away, pretended she loved other boys; she even tried not talking for about a week. As if that would make the feelings go away. She had thought it might. She had even tried pretending to hate him. Even though she was supposed to love him, just not the way she did.

But that was what she didn’t understand. Love. She didn’t understand love, and its rules of differentiation. What was the difference between romantic love and harmless love? Kisses and physical stuff? Passion of the body, not the mind and soul? She saw love differently from the rest of the world….and thus forth she banned the world’s rules. If something was dark, or forbidden, she was drawn to it, and the ironic part was, she was drawn to it because she could see a light, a beauty, in it that most people were blind to. She could hear music that most people were deaf to. And every day a question burned her flesh: isn’t love supposed to be pure? Isn’t love supposed to be about two people who couldn’t live without each other, and would do anything to protect each other? Two people who have a secret language and speak in code and two people who giggle as they’re holding hands running in the rain and screaming at the top of their lungs because they feel like it and there’s no one stopping them and forcing it to stay buried, tearing apart every inch of their being….and two people who pretend together and can get so absorbed with nonsense but it’s okay, and two people looking for fossils and getting their clothes wet and two people running around the world and two people basically being crazy and not caring whether or not the world saw. And maybe later, kissing. But that wouldn’t be what mattered. Not two people’s bodies with missing souls. Vacant bodies. Vacant souls. No. Eew. Shiver. That is what should be “Eew”. But most people don’t see it.

And one day she realized, walking home on a humid day sweating practically to death, angry at her father, practically stomping….and then screaming, “So what! So what! So what if they find out! So what!” But if they….her family….found out, it would be a nightmare. She would never be able to talk to them again. Or look them in the eye. Especially him, she could never look him in the eyes again. She would be so humiliated and ashamed and depressed and nervous and angry and weak all at the same time.

No, no one can ever find out. No one can find out about the dark-haired girl with orbs of the Universe for eyes…so blue and so vulnerable….with the slim silhouette that almost disappeared when she turned sideways and that ethereal smile she tried to always wear and pallid skin covered with make-up, who had a story that she could never tell. No one could ever find out, because it was completely taboo; completely forbidden; completely disgusting. She hated it herself.

One day, she would forget. She swore, one day she’d find someone else, maybe even that boy that she uses as the code name for the one she really loves. One day, she’d be happy again. And she’d be successful. A actress again, and a writer. But more than that. An artist who can color in the shadows of the world, and bring hope back to the place where despair threatens to lead the people of the world astray. And a historian, studying all the secrets that can never be told. And never tell anyone. Because she would die if someone revealed her secret.

One day, she would be over it. In a year. One year. One day she would be gone. Not dead. More alive than ever, actually. At one of the ivy’s, studying ancient history (because it’s the people before technology that holds the secrets of the world. The key to humanity. The reason for all being. Unity. Truth. Harmony. Allegiance. And, of course, sword-fighting.) and maybe even in a sorority.

Yes. She was all the more sure of it now. She wasn’t going to some state university or some average school. She wasn’t going to the places most of the losers from her high school were going. Well, they weren’t losers. At least, most of them weren’t. A long time ago she had convinced herself that they hated her, and made fun of her behind her back, and to her face. Maybe she was right. Maybe she wasn’t. Looking back, she realized it doesn’t even matter. The ones who would truly be there for her, she might meet later. Or they were right in front of her face. Her family, even amidst its rage and fighting and mock-hatred and money-problems and insecurities and evil-father-sagas and bla bla bla. None of it would matter, in the end.

She smiled. In a year she would walk out the door, completely free. Completely, finally free. Maybe not forever. But it would be a start. And she would call him on the phone. He would miss her. They all would miss her. She would regret that she never found out if the feelings truly were one-sided. And she would feel bad about that day when her mom almost guessed and he was in the car too and she said…well, lied….”I don’t love him”….when of course she did, and she hoped she didn’t hurt his feelings. All of the times she said she hated him, to block out the feelings, and then later telling him that she could never hate him, even if she wanted to. Always apologizing.

No. She would never know if he felt the same way. But maybe it was better that way. Because if he did….then what?

She opened her eyes and she tugged at her hair. She wanted to scream. She wanted to scream so badly. Instead she went to her desk lost herself in tormented poetry and the jaded cries that she scribbled onto the ebony parchment paper in her leather journal.

She sighed and tore the pages out of her journal and ripped them into crumpled up balls. Then she smoothed them out and taped them together and read over them, her voice soft, echoing unspoken words and unspoken memories.

She started having dreams about him, too, really weird dreams, and she’d wake up screaming. Not the kind of dreams you would expect…not really about physical stuff, except sometimes kissing was involved. Usually, it was obnoxious things like chasing each other in the grocery store and then starting to kiss, not even on the lips but all over the face elsewhere, and him saying, “We need to keep it secret” and everything actually being okay. Not that things really could turn out that way. Okay, that is. And some of the dreams were about her parents finding out. And hating her. Not that she didn’t hate herself, for having these feelings.

Ileana sighed and walked out of her room. It was a Saturday; still two weeks before opening night for “Ice Tears”. In two weeks it would be over. Completely over. Her chance would be gone. In a year, she’d be gone.

When the play was over, what was once forbidden would once more be forbidden. There would be no more of those angry, passionate kisses between Jade and Rick. Her brother would forget she existed and crawl back into his small place on the planet and she would crawl back into hers and they would both go their separate ways and everything would be horrible. Completely, utterly horrible. She tucked her sheets of poetry safely into her leather-bound journal which held all of her secrets, and smiled a bittersweet smile. She left her room. She went down to the kitchen and ate cheesecake. Because sometimes eating distracted her. And she was so thin it didn’t even matter. She could eat fifty pieces of cheesecake and a whole batch of brownies and not gain an ounce. That didn’t stop her from watching her weight, though. She knew when she was older her metabolism would slow down. She didn’t want to get into bad habits now. And she didn’t want to look like a s**t, with ugly curves advocating the type of relationship she was against; the type of relationship based only on the body. If someone fell in love with her, she didn’t want it to be because of her body. She wanted it to be because of the color of her soul shining through on her face. Her personality, the good and the bad and the positive and the negative and every little thing about her. Not her body.

Ileana cleaned her dish and decided to go on a walk. It was raining. Maybe the rain would hide her tears. She didn’t have to worry about mascara running down her face today; today she wasn’t wearing make-up, and her face was completely naked, true in form. She opened the front door of the house and stepped outside into the pouring rain. She held her hands out and felt the rain fall on her face and down to her hands and it was like all the dirt and pain of the Universe was falling on her but somehow they weren’t dirty in fact they were clean they were God’s tears and Ileana embraced them and walked out into the rain and if she felt like dancing she would have but she didn’t. Not quite yet. She walked, for hours, just like in the dream she had when she fainted after the first time she and Ileana were forced….well, kind of (they both had auditioned for the play)…..to kiss.

She quickened her pace into a jog and then into a run and soon she was sweating and her heart was pounding loudly and she was exhausted and she forgot all about Jedson. Only for the time being. But it was enough, for now, to take her mind off of it. It was enough. And maybe when she got back, everything would be okay. But deep inside she knew she was lying to herself.

When Ileana returned, she was soaking wet. Strangely, she didn’t mind. She actually kind of liked it. She ran up to her room to dance to her music. The hallway was stranded. It was 10:34 a.m. in the morning, for God’s sake? Was everyone really still sleeping, this late? Why had she woken up so early? 7:00 a.m…..? Oh, yeah that’s right, she hadn’t gone to bed, she thought bitterly. She raced to her room and on the way to her room she bumped into a tall figure in the hallway that was hustling towards the bathroom.

Jedson.

She looked up nervously at him. Then she quickly put on a mask, to hide her awkwardness and all of the feelings boiling underneath her skin begging her to just blurt out, “I love you.” Instead she said, “Watch where you’re going, Jed-son,” in an angry, pissed-off voice. Her drenched hair fell over her eyes and she was struggling not to show any weakness. “I believe you were the one to bump into me, jerk,” Jedson said, glaring at Ileana with cold-stone eyes and Ileana smirked. She had been ready for a come back. All of their fights, there had always been something else behind them. Some fiery feeling that both of them lived for; it was almost like it was passion; ice biting at the skin and tugging off the flesh and leaving puddles and puddles of blood. Maybe…just maybe….if you tasted the blood, it would actually taste good. Ileana hid a wry smile. “Whatever, Jedson,” she said. She knew he was on his way to the shower, and she wanted to peeve him, so she said (in a demanding, angry voice), “I was just on my way to the shower. So could you please get out of my way?” (Not that it was spoken as a question, and the “please” was more a degrading jibe then…well, a “please”). “No, I’m showering. You’ll have to wait your turn.”

Ileana wanted to ask him to stop being so mean. But she wanted to stay strong. She needed to stay strong. Before she could say anything, Jedson said, “Besides, you’re already wet, Leena.” Leena was her nickname. The only person who ever called her that was Katelyn.

“Did you just call me Leena?” Ileana asked.

Jedson didn’t say anything.

When they were little, before they had grown apart and stopped getting along, Jedson had been the only one to call her “Leena.” Why had they grown so far apart? Why? Ileana looked up at Jedson’s bright blue eyes. She looked into them. She stood there, mesmerized. For a second, she forgot to hide it. Then she took control of herself, and looked down.

Before she knew it, Jedson’s hand was on her chin, and she heard his voice, telling her to look up, telling her to look at him. She wasn’t really listening; she didn’t really hear; she only felt the warmth of his fingers caressing the flesh of her chin. She looked up at her brother. “Remember when we were little….” she said. “We were so close…but then we drifted apart….”

They had drifted apart because they thought they were supposed to. Unconsciously, maybe. It didn’t matter; what happened happened. The past was the past and the present was the present but the future….the future wasn’t decided yet.

“I don’t know,” Jedson said. “Siblings fight. It’s a part of life.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Ileana pointed out.

“Anyways,” Jedson said, “You look like you really need to shower. Your hair is so gross and dirty from the rain….”

“Really? Awe, thanks,” Ileana said.

“No,” Jedson said. “Not really,” as he ran into the bathroom and shut the door and locked it.

“Hey!! No fair!” Ileana said and pounded on the door and walked away.

 

The parents, Jane and Mark, were sitting in the kitchen, discussing the major problem in the family: Ileana and Jedson’s fighting, of course.

“They are still fighting,” Jane pointed out. “I was hoping the play would fix things….make them get along at least a little bit.”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” Mark said. Jane nodded. Why did it seem like this family was more cursed with sibling rivalry than any other family? Every single day was a struggle. Every single day.

“Take-out tonight?” Jane asked. Mark nodded. “You call,” Jane said.

“But it’s still morning, practically!” Mark complained.

“Fine, as long as it’s here by 7,”Jane said.

 

Jessie was a little girl in a princess dress and innocent eyes in her own little world where everything was perfect and nothing matters. She ate under the table and pretended to be a puppy-dog. 

“Come play with me!!!!” Jessie said. She made a weird noise – kind of like she was trying to bark.

“Later, Jessie,” her big sister Ileana said.

“But I wanna play now!” Jessie complained.

“Do you want to dance to music?” Ileana asked.

The little girl nodded eagerly.

Ileana turned on her stereo and the little girl started dancing crazily, but she was only five-years-old, what was to be expected? She was innocent and cute. Suddenly she stopped. She noticed her new big sister wasn’t completely into the music. Something was wrong. Then she noticed. Her new big sister wasn’t smiling.

“Leena?” Jessie called her Leena too, but only because Ileana was too hard for her to pronounce.

“Yeah, Jessie?” Ileana said.

“Why aren’t you smiling?”

“I am smiling…”

“No you’re not; now you’re lying….!”

“Fine, fine, but I can’t tell you; it’s a secret but anyways even if it wasn’t you’re too young to know.”

“I’m not too little. I am not!”

“It’s a secret,” Ileana said. Her voice was firm. “Fine,” the little girl said, pouting. “But I will find out….” and she ran out of the room giggling.

 

 

Ileana exited her room to see if Jedson was out of the shower yet. When she got to the bathroom, it was empty, so she went in and took a shower. She did feel dirty from her walk in the rain. She washed her hair, twice. After her shower she put on a black skirt and a sheer blue shirt over a tight black camisole. She ran downstairs to get something to eat for lunch. When she got downstairs, she was surprised to find Jedson in the kitchen, his music playing, but not blasting, and he was making pancakes.

Jedson cooking? How unbelievable!! Ileana sat at the counter reading a magazine.  “What are you doing down here?” Jedson asked.

Ileana thought about what she should say. Did he know? Did Jessie find out the truth, and tell him? “Unlike you, I don’t like staying caught up in my room all day,” Ileana said, smiling a little bit. She continued reading for a couple of minutes and then she walked outside. It wasn’t raining out anymore. It was actually quite nice out; warm, with a nice breeze. Ileana decided to come back inside, though. Jedson had no right to question her being the kitchen. It wasn’t his personal room, or something.

She opened the fridge and pulled out a couple of pieces of wheat bread. She toasted them and then put blueberries and blackberries in between the two pieces. Yep, she was weird. She sat back down where she had been sitting before and ate the sandwich she made. Then she left the kitchen. In her room, no one could see her. No one could see what she was truly feeling. And it was safer that way. To stay up in her room, that is.

 

Jedson went up to his room and played video games. He stayed in his room the whole day, except while eating.

Maybe it was the fact that video games were a distraction. Or maybe it was the intensity that he craved, “destroying evil” with determined rage and fury. No. Too cliché. He liked it because of the story plots. He was drawn to the plots. Or maybe….he just did it because he had nothing else to do. Boredom. He could always hang out with Paul, or play football or soccer. Or do homework. But why do it an hour before he had to? He waited until Sunday. And on Saturday he did nothing. A monotone. Because ever since the play started, he’s felt like a monotone, and the only time he felt alive was when he was kissing Ileana.

Wait a minute. That sounded wrong. Way wrong. But it wasn’t. Well, technically, it was wrong. But the feeling, it was there. He had denied it before. He still would, to others. He definitely couldn’t let Ileana know. But he was finally admitting that….the way he felt around Ileana, he had never felt around any girl before. He wanted to go to her room and talk to her. He wanted things to be like they used to be, when they were little kids.

You see, when he was little, around six-years old, he had this day-dream about his seven-year old “big sister.” It embarrassed him to think about the wild thoughts he had when he was a little boy, but he couldn’t avoid them anymore. Maybe it had been a sign of things to come.

He watched his sister run off on the playground to talk to two other little boys, and he stood there and his limbs were frozen. He couldn’t move. He felt like he was in a cage. He could only watch as his sister turned around and waved. “Jedson! Jedson!! Come!” but he stayed frozen, staring at the girl in the tiny black shorts and the pink baby-T. His sister, already one year older, already one year ahead of him, already smarter, already flawless. Making friends. He wanted to. He wanted to be in her place.

When he saw her hands reach for another small boy’s hand, something inside of him had screamed. He hadn’t understood it at that point. Later he knew….he had been jealous. His sister spent time with him….not those other people. Him. He looked at her hair and realized that one strand fell perfectly over one of her eyes and noticed that her eyes were the exact same eye-color as his. He smiled. No one could take that away from him.

He wanted to scream, “Mine!” like children did over candy and toys. Something inside told him to stay put; something inside kept him locked up. His eyes were glued as Ileana danced around the playground and started to sing. So many people liked her. Next year, when he went to school, he would be more popular than Ileana, he vowed.

But that wasn’t really what he was thinking about. He wanted to run and grab Ileana and kiss her, like mommy kissed daddy. Yeah, that was what he wanted to do. He had smiled, in his innocence. A six-year-old knew nothing of the world…a six-year-old knew nothing of right-and-wrong, at least, not that much, and a six-year-old’s dreams could only be innocent, chaste ones.

But somehow he knew not to say anything. Somehow he knew to keep it all locked up inside of him. And when he grew older, he learned to see it as disgusting. Because he was supposed to. He hated the world’s ruthless standards. He pushed the feeling away, and as he entered junior high, he started to feel embarrassed to be seen around his sister. He hadn’t paid attention to the fact that it was hurting her feelings, but if he had seen it, if he had noticed it….he might have put his reputation aside. Anyways, he rebelled against standards by creating a parody of what was supposed to be. Siblings weren’t supposed to get along. Supposed to. Supposed to. The words echoed over and over again in his head. Brothers and sisters fight, not hug. He repeated the mantra over and over again. Eventually, he had succeeded in brainwashing himself.

Now he remembered. He remembered what he had seen, through the eyes of a child, at the young age of six. He remembered.And now he wanted again, and this time, somehow, it didn’t feel quite as innocent as it had back then. Now, he knew it was wrong. He hadn’t known it was wrong, back then. He knew now, but he couldn’t……

……he didn’t……he didn’t know how to make the feeling stop.

And he couldn’t ignore it anymore. He didn’t even know if he wanted to ignore it.

 

“Ileana! Katelyn! Jedson! Rustin! Jessie! Time for dinner!” Jane called.

Katelyn and Rustin came down right away. Jessie pranced in a little later. Jedson was next; then Ileana. No one seemed to be in a good mood today. Well, except for Jessie. She seemed to be always happy; all smiles. Jane noticed it – the fact that no one was in a good mood, that is. She sighed and chose not to say anything. During the meal Ileana stared at her food and tried not to look at Jedson. The one time she did look up it looked like he was trying to do the same. An eerie silence spread across the table.

“Soo….” Jane said, breaking the silence. “How’s the play coming along….? It should be coming up soon, right?”

Both Ileana and Jedson nodded hesitantly.

“So… will we be getting a sneak peak?” Mark asked.

Ileana shifted in her seat. She was uncomfortable. The thought of performing the whole play in front of the whole school was innerving. But doing it in front of only her family, with only two of the actors….Ileana and Jedson, to be specific….was even worse. The school, they might not be able to tell, that there was more than acting to the kisses.

Both Ileana and Jedson denied it, to each other, that is. Secretly they both acknowledged the feeling, and secretly they both craved it more and more every day.

“Well?” Jane asked.

“I…I don’t know…” Ileana replied hesitantly.

“Ahh, come on,” Jane said.

Why was she pushing this? Why, oh why was she pushing this? Something just didn’t feel right.

Mark had turned his head to face Jedson. “Come on you guys,” he said. “Besides, don’t you need the extra rehearsal?”

The only scenes that only had Jade and Rick were…well….not scenes that Ileana wanted to act in front of her parents. Ileana shook her head. “There aren’t that many scenes that are only Jade and Rick….”

“Yeah, you’ll just have to wait until opening night,” Jedson said.

“Whoa, wait a minute, are you two actually agreeing on something?” Jane said half-sardonically, laughing a little.

“No,” Ileana said a little too quickly.

“Maybe she’s right, we should give them a little preview….” Jedson said, smirking, deciding to start a fight with his sister.

“Shut up, Jed-son,” Ileana said loudly and angrily. “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

“Oh and why not?” Jedson asked.

“Because it’s gross!” Ileana screamed, peeved.

“Okay, enough fighting guys,” Jane said in a reproaching manner.

“Really…..” Jedson said in a creepy voice.

Ileana shifted in her seat. She looked down and her food and realized that she hadn’t eaten much, and that she had been playing with her fork, moving it around nervously.

“Shut up, Jed-son,” Ileana said. She desperately wanted to whisper, ‘Not now you moron.’

It hadn’t escaped her attention that Jedson was acting every bit as nervous as she was. A wry smile crept up on her face. She quickly hid it. But Jedson continued. “Why should I, Ileana?”

“That’s enough, guys,” Mark said firmly.

“If you say so,” Jedson said smugly.

Ileana slammed her fork down. “I’m sick and tired of this. I’ll be in my room….” She said, getting out of her chair and running up to her room.

“Is it just me, or is everybody acting weird today?” Jane asked.

But then again, this was the Thoroughberg family, after all. It had never been anything but chaos. What none of them really knew, was that the real source of the chaos had nothing to do with typical family rivalry. In reality, it was a “nuclear” family….and it was, well…nuclear. In a different sense, of course. Explosive. Chaos. Just down a degree, down a notch. Maybe.

In a different world, who knew what life would have been like. Who knew what would have happen.

But the story takes place here, in New Jersey, in the Thoroughberg household. And it was what it was. And no one really knew what was happening, perhaps because it was something vague, like invisible threads tightly wound, getting interlaced with every notch and cranny. And a fight was a fight, and it was hard really for anyone to tell the difference between this fight and any other fight, and therefore Jane and Mark didn’t really give it a second thought. It was a bad day. They were in a bad mood. That was it.

“What just happened?” Katelyn asked.

“You should know better than ever, she’s your sister too,” Jedson screamed. Now he was fighting with Katelyn?

“Yours too,” Katelyn affirmed. “She’s your sister.” Katelyn couldn’t stand it when Jedson was mean to her sister. She couldn’t understand it. She couldn’t understand his egotistical ways. 

“Could everyone please stop fighting?” Jane asked again, but it was useless. It was as if no one heard her. Her words had no effect. The bickering continued, even though Ileana had left the table. The bickering continued.

One day, maybe, they would wish the bickering had continued forever.

Katelyn didn’t see it and Rustin didn’t see it. Jane didn’t see it. Mark didn’t see it. Because they only thought inside the box.

But a puppy-dog was eating underneath the table, barking furiously.

And the Thoroughberg family had no dogs.  Well, except for a five-year-old girl named Jessie.  And in the crudeness and innocence of youth, she was the only one to guess the truth. Ridiculous words from the mouth of a babe. Innocent, sweet, but of course, crazy, false, preposterous.

“Ileana’s in love with Jedson!” Jessie screamed, giggling, even though no one had told Jessie anything and no one had done anything.

And from upstairs, listening to the conversation, Ileana screamed, “No I’m not!!!!”

Ileana didn’t know how to tell him that she loved him. Sitting in her room, browsing the internet and reading stories about forbidden love, she knew she had to. She had to tell him, or she would regret it forever. His bushy hair, and those bright eyes. She wanted to hold him and whisper melodies into his ear. She needed to tell him, but she didn’t know how.

She was afraid. She was afraid of what he would say more than she was afraid of the consequences. She was afraid of what he would think of her. Slowly, she was breaking down and she felt like her body was falling apart and her soul was torn to shreds. She needed to tell him, before she went crazy. Crazier than she already was, that is. You have to be a little bit crazy to succeed.

The next morning, Katelyn had a dentist appointment. Mark was at work. Jane had to take Katelyn to the dentist appointment, and, of course, Jessie and Rustin tagged along. Jedson was still asleep, so he didn’t come. Ileana didn’t come either.

They had the house to themselves, but what did it matter, if she was awake and he was sleeping?

She sat in her room reading. He was still asleep in his room. It was 1:00 p.m. Why won’t he wake up? Why won’t he wake up? She turns on her music, loud. She blasts her music, just like he does. Maybe it would wake him up.

It didn’t.

She went down to the kitchen. She wanted to make brownies. No. She was just listening to her impulses. Eating to satiate her desires; food as a substitute to….the warmth of Jedson. No. She wouldn’t give in. She walked outside. It was nice out. She walked around and felt extremely bored and frustrated. She was clawing her insides out. The monster sleeping beneath the flesh of her stomah was screaming, biting its way out.

She went back inside. She went back outside, and she found a black rock. It becomes chalk and she wrote on the driveway, in bold letters, “WHY?”

He stayed in his room all day. Maybe he knew. How could he not know?

She went back inside and she gave in. She gave in to temptation. She was weak. She made brownies. This time she added marshmallows, to make them extra-special. Last time she had made brownies, she had squeezed strawberries into the batter, cutting up extra strawberries and putting them in as well. Jedson had liked them. She had made them at…what, midnight? Because she had been bored, and angry, and she did not want to go to sleep, because she would have nightmares….about Jedson. About loving Jedson. And this time it was 2:00 p.m. in the afternoon. She was making brownies again.

Sometime as she was cleaning up she heard Jedson stirring in his room. It was around 2:40 p.m. His door was wide open. He had walked into his parents’ empty room. Ileana took the brownies out of the oven.

3:00 sharp. Mom was back, with Katelyn, Rustin, and Jessie.

She shouldn’t have made brownies. She should have been studying, or writing, or dancing, or….something, anything productive. She knew it. She knew it all too well. She wasted her time.

And time was precious. Time, of all things, was what was precious.

Or so they said. Was time really precious? Could time be destroyed, ever? Could you ever go back, to a moment long ago, and linger there, in its absence?

No, you could never get it back. Time was an athlete, and it ran fast, and no one could catch him, and it flew like a stream and once you stepped one foot into the gooey liquid it was hard to get out of it.

Time was hard to escape, yes. And important? Yes, important. Important. But precious?

No.

Only one thing was precious, really.

Love was precious.

Love.

Some might wonder how the symbol was chosen. For love, that is. Because really, it is love that is all powerful.

Love is all powerful. It controls you.

“I would throw away everything to be with him,” Ileana said softly to herself. “I would risk everything.”

Love is all powerful, and omnipresent. It is the ultimate force. It creates, but also it can destroy. Love is the cause of all beings, all flesh. And if it wasn’t for love, there probably wouldn’t be war. Because love drove people crazy. Literally. Love was the reason why there were madmen and terrorists. It’s twisted, yes, and distorted, but love can be manipulated, and it is.

Love is a weapon. A powerful weapon. It binds the heart, and…

“If he was about to be shot….I would jump in front of the gun. I would die for him,” she said to herself softly.

Love is powerful.

Love is precious.

Is that the reason for the symbolism?

That was how she would tell him. It was the only way. It was drastic, but…

A ring.

No. She wouldn’t. She wouldn’t give him a ring. She didn’t need to. That made it….more complicated than it already was.

Love should not be controlled by a ring. A trinket. So small. All those married couples…arguing over lost rings….

Why….?

Somewhere in the act of purchasing a diamond ring the real reason…love…was lost. A ring was not needed. A ring was….treacherous.

A ring was not needed.

Ileana thought about all those people who walk down the aisle, able to get married. And about women who complain about her ring not being diamond, and that because of that her husband obviously doesn’t love her.

All this over a ring? Come on people, get serious, it’s not the ring that’s precious.

My precious, its love. Love is precious.

Not material, solid objects that cannot be taken to the next world. When you leave this world, you can only take your soul and your shape and all of your memories and eventually the ones you love will join you, but your possessions, those cannot follow.

Ileana wanted to be able to come to terms with this.

All of her clothes…they did not matter. Her education….it was important…but not as important as love. It was hard to accept the truth. But in the end, Ileana knew she would have to find a way to tell her brother that she loved him, because….well, love is precious, and if she didn’t take the one chance she had….

….she knew she would regret it forever….

….and she knew she would never be able to fall in love with any other man.

 

Jedson woke up. He was freezing, so he wrapped his velvet red blanket around his body and walked into the bathroom. What was it that he smelled? Yum. Brownies. Ileana was cooking brownies. And he did not go downstairs to face her, because…he was avoiding her, because…he needed to escape reality. Reality? What was reality? Did it really matter? He brushed his teeth and laid down on his parents’ bed and fell back asleep. Only for about thirty minutes.

Sleep was the only escape, when there is no escape. Wait a minute…Katelyn’s dentist appointment had been today….wait, Ileana’s  making brownies? She’s here? I’m here? Home alone. No, not home alone. Home together. But nothing happened, because both of them were afraid. When he heard the door open he walked downstairs. His mother was home. His siblings were home. It was safe.

Beep! The oven going off. He watches as his sister takes the brownies out of the oven. He remembers that time a couple years ago when she was making brownies, and in her foolishness….clumsiness, maybe…she had rested the pan on her leg, resulting in a burn. She was older now. She hadn’t been stupid…she had just been careless, naïve. She still was naïve, about a lot of things. He looked at her hair and thought it was beautiful. Sometimes, the sun brought out a slightly reddish color in her dark brown hair. It was beautiful.

Now he was just being a sap. ‘Stop it, Jedson’, he told himself.

She placed the brownies on the bare counter. He smiled. He listened as their mom reminded her to at least put them on a towel or something. Afterwards, she proceeded to cut a brownie and eat it.

“You’re not supposed to eat it right after you take it out of the oven,” Jedson said.

“It tastes better that way,” Ileana said. She tried not to sound angry. She did sound angry. She also sounded…..like she was trying to flirt but did not know how but also did not really want to and knew she wasn’t supposed to.

“Whatever,” Jedson said.

 

Jessie sat at the little table in her room, her crayons out. She was coloring a picture. She drew a princess, then started scribbling, using all the colors of the rainbow. Coloring bored her, at the moment. She ran out of her room and screamed, “Jedson! I drew a picture of your princess!”

“Who is it? You?” Jedson asked his little sister.

“No, silly, Jedson, its Ileana!” Jessie said, giggling.

“Ileana’s not a princess, Jessie,” Jedson said softly.

“Yes she is!” Jessie said stubbornly. “My imaginary friend, Tessa, likes her!”

Jessie looked up at Jedson. Her green eyes were wide with sisterly love and amazement. “But don’t worry, Jedson, she doesn’t like her that way. She’s all yours. When are you going to get married, Jedson?”

“What? Are you crazy? Ileana’s my sister, Jessie, I don’t like her that way,” Jedson said.

“You do to!!!” Jessie complained, pouting.

“Whatever,” Jedson said, walking away and leaving the preposterous five-year-old to her preposterous five-year-old thoughts. Jessie chased after Jedson.   “Wait, Jedson, come back! Come back!” Jedson walked into his room, slammed his door, and plugged in his video game, turning the volume on high. Turning the volume on so loud, that he couldn’t hear his little sister’s tears.

Tears, freely falling, because the heart...in the heart there is room for more than one kind of love. And...they can say that one is better than the other...but really...the love of a mother, the love of a sister, the love of a girlfriend or wife...even the love of a grandmother or a wise old beggar on the street who convinces you to love the world...and love for the world, too, the urge to save the world, help out in any way you can...the love of a soldier...in all ways, in every way possible, in every form it breathed, and it was life, and in every form, love was love, and love was...precious.

Tears. Tears were the symbol. From the eyes of a five-year-old the heart is revealed. Rings are cheap, no matter what words are inscribed in them. Tears are the everlasting symbol of love. Because real love, real love does not need power.

 

Ileana woke up at 8:00 in the morning and put on a short black and dark gray striped shirt and a pair of neon green shorts with white edges. She smiled and pulled her dark hair into a black, white polka-dotted headband. She turned on her stereo and listened to the whispers echoing inside her head as she put on her make up.

Day, after day, after day came, and each day was torture. She ran it over and over in her head. Jessie knew. Well, she didn’t know she knew, but she knew. Somehow Ileana had to make that little girl keep her mouth shut. No one would believe the words coming from the mouth of a five-year-old, anyways. Right? Ileana wrote in her journal. She poured her soul out; all of her feelings, she wrote them down. Ileana left her journal on her bed and went down to the kitchen to get something to eat. It was open to an entry from a while back.

…..And Stephen’s still okay. Just a displacement, though. And Brian….well, now he’s just a code name.

Because, well, I guess I should tell you my secret. I found out…well, realized….sometime on the five day weekend and after exams and before Monday of this week.

I guess there’s no easy way to say this.

About three years ago there was a book about it….about two people who had to run away to be together because they fell in love but it was forbidden love---I actually haven’t read it I just read the back of it…..but one day I will find it and buy it. And, since last weekend I’ve been hitting my head on the wall trying to knock this feeling out of me, but I can’t. And I guess it’s just showing up now because I had been brainwashed against it. I think I’m falling in love with my brother, Jedson. And he doesn’t know it. Oh, this is killing me. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it I just want to disappear I hate myself so much for this………….. And…I think he hates me. He acts like he hates me. He didn’t when we were in middle school, or elementary school, but now….grr, he can be so frustrating sometimes.

She ran up to her room to make sure no one had read her journal. She had forgotten to put it away. She should have put it away. No one can ever know. No one can ever know. No one can ever know. The word echoed inside her head, like an evil little mantra that refused to stop torturing her.

“I really need to tell him….before I go away to school in a year. Even if he hates me because of it, even if he doesn’t feel the same way, he has to know. I have to tell him. Somehow,” Ileana thought to herself. She walked over to his room. She stood in front of the door. She had to do this. It was now or never.

Never, then. She chickened out, and ran away from his room as fast as she could.

“No! I have to tell him….” she thought. “But he’ll hate me. I’ll never be able to look him in the eyes again. “

“But if I don’t tell him….he’ll never know,” Ileana whispered softly. She was standing just outside of her room.

“Tell me what?” Ileana heard someone say. She turned around and saw…Jedson.

“Oh, um…not you….” Ileana said, stuttering a little bit. Her nervousness showed.

“Liar,” Jedson said. “You see, I’m a good liar. I know how to lie, and when I lie, no can tell it’s not the truth. But with you…with you it’s obvious.”

“I’m not lying,” Ileana said.

“Oh really?” Jedson countered. Ileana nodded. Maybe a little bit too vehemently.

“Well,” Jedson said, “Just so you know, I don’t follow the rules, either.” What was that about????

“What are you talking about?” Ileana asked. She let her guard down a little, but not that much.

“I don’t care if you don’t care,” Jedson said quickly, not looking at Ileana.

“Care about what???” Ileana asked.

“That we’re brother and sister,” Jedson said with nonchalance, shrugging. When Ileana didn’t respond, he said, “I read your journal, Leena. It was open….I didn’t mean to…” Damn. Ileana knew she should be mad at Jedson for reading her journal. Furious. But…she wasn’t. He knew…he knew….he knew….and he was fine with it.

And he was fine with it. And he was fine with it. And he was fine with it. Ileana felt a small smile creep up her face as the new mantra played itself over and over again inside her head. I don’t care if you don’t care. That we’re brother and sister. I don’t care if you don’t care. That we’re brother and sister.

“Its okay, Jedson…” Ileana said.

“You’re not yelling at me….”Jedson asked.

“You want me to?” Jedson asked, smiling wryly.

“Maybe,” Ileana said in a quirky way. When they yelled they got hot and sweaty and they felt more….well, perked up, to say the least.

“Let’s do something together. Spend the day together for once,” Jedson said on a whim. Finally. Finally. Finally. Finally.

“Rehearse for the play?” Ileana asked. Jedson nodded.

“Wait…” Ileana said. She looked around the hallway. No one was awake. No one would see. Ileana leaned in and kissed him. It was different, from all the times she had kissed him before, because this time she wasn’t Jade and he wasn’t Rick. She could feel his warmth. She gazed into his bright eyes and smiled. She put her arm around his neck and he put his arm around her waist and it felt so good for once to just let go, relax in someone else’s arms, just let him hold her. She could feel his strength, and she knew everything would be okay, with him there for her, supporting her, loving her.

“I love you, Jedson,” Ileana whispered.

Jedson gazed into Ileana’s light blue eyes and wondered why he hadn’t figured this out sooner. “I love you too. I always have…even when I was little. I’ve wanted you. Always,” Jedson whispered.

Ileana continued kissing him, then pulled away. Suddenly her eyes were grave, and when she whispered, “We have to keep this secret, Jedson,” her voice was solemn, but there was a sparkle of joy in her eyes, hidden. Jedson pulled her back in for another kiss and then they were in heaven again. But they had to stop, because the rest of the family would be waking up soon.

She couldn’t hold on to him forever.

“Come on a jog with me?” Ileana asked. Jedson nodded. Because love wasn’t just about kisses. It was about being with each other, every second of the day, and wanting more….more than 24 hours in a day, more than 7 days in a week. It was about being there for each other.

And in forbidden love, there was an extra element. It was about keeping it a secret together, and about the excitement of doing something taboo, not allowed…..it was about the anticipation, worrying together what would happen if people found out, and what would people say….and….it was about risking everything to be together. Because….if it was true love, then it was worth it. And…it made it all the more exciting….no one could force them to separate…..they would always find their way back to each others’ arms…..

“Be right back,” Jedson said, and he went to his room to replace his pajamas with shorts and a T-shirt. They held hands, and walked to the staircase together. Ileana ran down the stairs first, and Jedson followed her, silently. Ileana bumped into the wall and groaned. “Shh….” Jedson said.

“I know…” Ileana said.

“Come on, hurry,” Jedson whispered, and they snuck out the door. The weather was nice; there was a slight breeze and the sun was already out, but this time Casey wasn’t outside alone; she was finally with Jedson. Finally.

 

“Where’s Ileana?” Rustin asked Katelyn.

“She’s on her morning jog. Since forever, she’s always gone for a walk or a jog in the early morning,”Katelyn replied.

“But…where’s Jedson?” Rustin asked. The house was unusually quiet. There was no loud, obnoxious music blasting, and the phone was free.

“I….I don’t know….” Katelyn said. “Maybe….maybe he had a date?”

“This early in the morning?” Rustin asked.

“It’s 10:45 a.m., that’s not early, Rusty….” Katelyn said.

“I hate it when you call me that. Besides, Jedson sleeps in. He’s never awake this early,” Rustin said, confidently.

“Well, then he’s probably still asleep,” Katelyn said. “In his room….asleep…..”

“Nope. I already checked,” Rustin said.

“Well…I don’t know,” Katelyn said. “Okay? I don’t know.”

“Okay, okay,” Rustin said.

 

“The house is so quiet,” Jane said.

“I know, lucky us,” Mark said.

They went back to sleep.

 

They stopped when they got to the huge tree. You know, the one with the green leaves and that brown twisted trunk that had a puncture in it that looked sort of like a disfigured eye. It was creepy, the way the branches coiled towards the ground, the leaves entwining amongst each other. The tree had both sea-green leaves and dark, forest green leaves, and the thicket of greens all in one tree looked sort of like a mask held up by a thin, wavering brown trunk. Ileana ran up to the tree and touched the trunk. She frowned.

“You know, I saw this weird white cat once…it almost seemed like it was trying to tell me something,” Ileana said slowly.

“A cat? Tell you something? Other than meow? That’s crazy!” Jedson said. But he was smiling.

“We’re crazy,” Ileana said, and Jedson pretended to look hurt, but Ileana giggled and put her arm around Jedson’s shoulder and grinned.

“I know,” Jedson said, and it was barely a whisper.

“But really,” Ileana said, pushing away from Jedson’s embrace. “The cat was some sort of….omen. It was…well, you’d have to see it to understand.”

“Maybe,” Jedson said, playing along, “It wanted to tell you to stop being chicken and tell me that you love me.”

Jedson grinned, and Ileana grinned back. They sat down against the twisted spine of the big tree. They sat there, hand in hand, and they stared out at the oval-shaped clouds and the light blue sky and thought. They thought about how what they had wasn’t supposed to be. It wasn’t supposed to be. But it was. It was supposed to be. It felt like…it felt like they were made for each other. “Someone’s going to find out. Maybe not right away, but….one day, our tongues will slip…someone will find out….” Ileana said. Her hands were shaking.

“No one’s going to find out. Stop worrying….” Jedson said.

“How can I not worry? How, Jedson? When people find out….” Ileana said, her voice trailing off. Jedson kissed her to get her to stop talking.

Ileana pushed away. “We’re siblings, Jedson. Blood-related.”

“I thought you said you didn’t care about…that,” Jedson said.

Ileana stood still, as if her body was frozen in time. Then she made up her mind, once and for all. “I don’t,” she said, and to prove it she kissed him again. This time she didn’t pull away. This time neither of them pulled away. The kiss was full, complete, bright, innocent, unbridled, unrestrained, incessant, beautiful, and forbidden, all at the same time. It was….glorious; breath-defying….and….it was all they needed to let them know that everything would be okay. Everything would be okay. Everything would be okay. Everything would be okay.

After the kiss, Ileana said, “We should go back now. It’s getting late…People will get suspicious….” Jedson nodded. Everything would be okay, as long as they kept it hidden.

Ileana stood up and stole one more glance at the sky. “Let’s go,” she said to her brother. Jedson nodded. They stood there, looking into each others’ eyes for what seemed like forever. And forever was drawn out indefinitely, the stars in their eyes giggling and it was like a staring competition except more intense. Because now there was a change. In their relationship. They weren’t only brother and sister….they were boyfriend and girlfriend. But….it was more than that; more intense….it was something that can’t be explained in any saga of this world….something transcendent. And it would be kept hidden, because they would get rid of all traces.

They walked home…well, jogged home. “I’ll go in first,” Ileana said. “And you go in ten minutes later so no one suspects anything.”

“We don’t have to go in separately,” Jedson complained.

And they would keep the masquerade standing, and perhaps their fights would seem fiercer, but their fights would have to remain, because if they disappeared….their family would definitely guess that something was up. Fiercer….because there was passion between them now, that they both knew about and weren’t…that….afraid of anymore.

“Yes we do,” Ileana said.

“Fine,” Jedson said, giving in. And no one would ever guess. Because two people who hated each other didn’t just…love each other, all of a sudden. Ileana went inside and smiled when she saw her mom in the kitchen, cooking.

“Hi mom, I’m home,” Ileana said.

“Where were you? Your morning jog?” Jane asked.

“Yep,” Ileana said, nodding.

Jedson snuck in the back door, and no one even knew that he had been gone. What they didn’t know was…Katelyn and Rustin knew he had been gone.

 

Katelyn put down her math homework and ran down to the kitchen to have a snack. She looked at her watch. It was 1:30 p.m. already! Katelyn peered into the kitchen and saw Ileana and Jane talking. Ileana was wearing her jogging clothes….a black striped shirt that was way too short, as well as tight green shorts. That girl had nerve, Katelyn thought. Katelyn walked into the kitchen. “Hey guys….oh, hi Leena….why are you dressed like this?”

“These are my jogging clothes, Kate,” Ileana insisted.

“Whatever,” Katelyn said.

“What?” Ileana asked.

“Nothing, nothing,” Katelyn said.

Ileana ran up to her room and changed into a pair of faded blue denim jeans and a light blue camisole.

 

Jedson sat in his room and stared at his blank computer screen. He was finally dating his sister…….he couldn’t say that out loud. People would think he was a sick person. Someone knocked on his door. He opened the door and saw that it was Rustin. “What are you doing here, Rusty?”

“Um…I live here?” Rustin said. “And for the last time, don’t. call. me. that.”

“I meant, what are you doing in my room?” Jedson asked, annoyed.

“Where have you been all day?” Rustin asked.

“Um…asleep?!” Jedson said, as if it was obvious

“I wasn’t born yesterday,” Rustin said. “How many girls did you get this time?” What? His little brother thought he slept over at some girl’s house? What kind of guy did his brother think he was?

 

What comes next, after something has started that has to remain hidden forever? In school the next day, they walked through the hallway holding hands. The hallway was empty, otherwise….they wouldn’t be. People would be suspicious. “We have to go to rehearsal…” Jedson said.

“No rehearsal on Mondays, remember?” Ileana reminded him.

“Ahh, so we don’t get to kiss?” he asked and made a fake pout.

“We still can….” Ileana said, letting her voice trail off as she grabbed him and pulled them into the shadows of a corner in the hallway. There was a black door, barely visible. It smelled like rotting fish. The janitor’s closet.

They didn’t care that it stank. Ileana checked to see if it was unlocked, and…it was. Ileana opened the door and then Ileana and Jedson slid into the closet and Jedson shut the door behind them. Ileana’s foot brushed against something slimy; she couldn’t tell what it was since it was pitch black but she figured it was a wet broom or mop or something of the sort. They didn’t bother to look around for a light switch. They started kissing; they hadn’t been able to even hold hands all day for fear that someone would see something, or guess, or put two and two together (the play….people might jump to conclusions faster because of that) and….

….and…..it was like hunger. It ripped at their stomach, burning; burning their soul, and every second they weren’t with each other they felt an incessant searing….and in their pit, was a black, slimy emptiness, a dark shady place that was barren and bereft and it was as if slimy worms were sliding around their insides in the others’ absence. Only one day had gone by since they had found out they both felt the same way, and their yearning for each others’ touch had already multiplied. The passion, the heat, the sense of protection….it was increasing exponentially.

….And if what they were doing was a sin, then there was no saving them now.

But it wasn’t. How could it be, if it felt so right; if it made them both feel right inside…if they both wanted it, and it wasn’t hurting anyone else….it wasn’t killing people or causing unnecessary pain to innocent bystanders and it wasn’t based on bodily desires. Desire of the soul, maybe, and to be together forever and to do everything together and constant fear that something bad was going to happen to the other, but bodily desire? No. Well, at least, not only. The kisses were nice. But…they didn’t plan on going any further. Not ever, probably. Not unless they could somehow get married. But they knew that would never be possible. So they would settle with being together forever, and really, that would be enough. They would convince themselves that it was enough. They could run away, change their names, and then get married.

Ileana pulled away from the kiss and smiled. “Let’s go home,” she said.

“So soon?” Jedson asked.

“If we’re late,” Ileana said, panting a little, “People will be suspicious. I think they already are. Suspicious. Not mom and dad. But Katelyn, and Rustin…and Jessie…Jedson, Jessie guessed how I felt….”

“Yeah,” Jedson said, “I know.” Ileana opened the door and exited the closet first, too make sure no one was there watching. When she was absolutely sure that the coast was clear, she motioned for Jedson to follow.

 

At dinnertime everyone was quiet. Ileana picked at her food with her fork and looked around. She tried not to look at Jedson because if she did it would be obvious how she felt. She felt like all eyes were on her; she felt as if everybody knew her secret. But that was impossible. No one knew. If they knew, they would be screaming. Or something like that.

They excepted Ileana and Jedson to fight. Both of them knew it. They had to pretend to fight. They didn’t know if they could pull it off; they didn’t know if they could make it look real. But they had to. For a while, maybe, the family would be happy for the peace and quiet, but eventually, they would be suspicious. It was almost like….it was almost like brothers and sisters were supposed to fight...it didn’t make sense; the logic was wrong, and everything was a fallacy. What was wrong with siblings falling in love? What made it evil? What made it a sin?

The thing is, it wasn’t. Originally written down as wrong, maybe, but also originally misinterpreted. If it was true love….even if it was between brothers and sisters…..how could it be seen as wrong? How? Why? Why? They weren’t doing anything wrong.

They started a fight so no one would be suspicious.  They called each other names, and Jedson lunged at Ileana to try to knock her chair over but somehow it all seemed fake, staged, and they wondered if the family could tell. All Jedson wanted to do was place his lips on Ileana’s lips.

Jane yelled at them and chided them for fighting but they both knew that it was better than if…better than if….they knew how they really felt about each other.

“I’m leaving!” Katelyn screamed.

“Why?” Jane asked.

“I’m sick of it! Ileana and Jedson always fighting! Can’t there ever be one ‘family dinner’ with no one getting upset???” Katelyn screamed and pushed her chair away and left the table. Rustin looked at Jane and then left the table, running after his sister.

“I’m a puppy dog!” Jessie screamed, giggling. At times she could be the most random of all randomness. She ran off her chair and sat under the table. She stared at Rustin’s feet, and then she stared at Ileana’s feet, and then she smiled. 

Ileana knew she was supposed to be the one to get angry and leave the table. If things weren’t to be suspicious, she should leave next, right? She took one last bite of the asparagus she had been playing with and left the table. She didn’t say anything; she didn’t yell; she didn’t stomp; she just quietly left the table. Shortly afterwards, Jedson left.

When they were alone, Jane said to Mark, venting her frustration, “Could someone please tell me what is going on?!?!?!”

They didn’t realize Jessie was still under the table. Jessie crawled out from under the table and sat on her father’s lap. She looked into her father’s eyes and she knew he was thinking. She looked up at her mother and she smiled innocently. “Nothing’s going on, Mommy. Nothing.” And she jumped off of her daddy’s lap and ran upstairs, and no one heard her giggle, and she ran up the stairs and on her way to her room she passed Jedson’s room and it was empty. She giggled and she sneaked her way over to Ileana’s room, and peaked in, and she didn’t faint when she saw what she expected to see but didn’t think she would really see and didn’t really believe….Jedson Thoroughberg on top of Ileana Thoroughberg. They were kissing. And she was Jessie Thoroughberg, secret keeper. And…if things played out right, in time….that would give her a heck of a lot of power. Not that she would use it…she was an innocent little five-year-old, right……? That’s what they thought.

 

They were together. They were really together. The kissing session in the janitor’s closet the day before had somehow made it official. Not that it was really a kissing session….although they did kiss. Their love was about more than kissing; it was about the union of their souls.

The school day drew out so long that Ileana couldn’t take it, sitting in a classroom staring at a blackboard with x2’s and xy-45 and math things so trivial and so unrelated to the scope of the world. Letters and numbers so pointed, so useless, for this twisted world. Ileana squirmed in her seat. She tapped her feet up and down, again and again, to pass the time. She counted to ten in her head: tap the left foot ten times, then tap the left foot ten times, and then tap both feet at the same time. She copied down the notes from the blackboard, but it was information she already knew from reading the textbook a week ago, and, besides, her mind was on something else.

Rehearsal. During rehearsal, they could kiss, and it wouldn’t even be wrong. It was a part of the script, and they were Jade and Rick, not Ileana and Jedson. But they were Ileana and Jedson….the whole play captured the essence of their very existence. The play was about two people who couldn’t be together because of differing economic stratus, different ways of life, even powers were involved…...different, that was the key. But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that the play was about two people who were not allowed to be together because they were too different (but loved each other anyways and went through with the relationship)….it captured the exact essence of who Ileana and Jedson were….two lovers….who couldn’t be together because they were siblings…but none the less, were. No one knew, no one had to know, that when they were acting, they weren’t playing Jade and Rick. The passion in their kisses, the nexus between flesh that invariably became a nexus beyond this carnal world, was every ounce from their heart and soul. And…not Jade and Rick’s heart and soul. It was real; “Ice tears” was the story of their existence.

Ileana stared at the blackboard and then back down at her college-ruled notebook. The pages were folded a little on the bottom, not perfectly neat and flawless like she preferred. She looked at all the numbers she had scribbled onto the page with an unsharpened number-2 pencil. Perfectly neat, each figure straight, but in some way, it seemed messy…..the light handwriting, and even though each number was perfectly within the lines of the paper, there was just something that didn’t seem right. She stared at her calculator and stuffed it into her backpack. It wouldn’t be of any use; she wasn’t going to be doing any math today. The teacher’s boring voice droned on and on and on, and then the bell rang.

English was next. In English, at least she could write. Write about she felt, in some sort of code. Write about the characters of whatever novel they were reading, but really write about herself. The school day was long but in due time it ended.

It was inevitable; brush stroke against brush stroke in the humid air, like the scent of forlorn roses lingering from yesteryear’s spring, sanguine, fresh blood still dripping. The heat was like an open wound; there would be no scab-the flesh would never mend. But broken flesh, in the sentiment, was good enough and all the same, all eyes were there, somewhere in the air, where there was gray space. Yes; yes indeed there was gray space, the lines weren’t black and white and everything was outside the box. Ileana stood outside underneath an old tree. The wind brushed against her flushed cheek and she felt chilly. She suddenly regretted wearing that black camisole with white polka-dots and white plaid skirt. It was sleeveless; it had no arms just like the weed sticking out from the dirt the tree stood under. The weed, neglected, had no thorns, but its beauty was absent, neither forlorn nor jaunty; it simply never existed. Yet there was something graceful about that weed, skinny, spurting straight up, so plain and simple and out of place. Everyone wanted to pull a weed; it contaminated Mother Nature’s garden, and that small, measly yellow flower sitting atop of the leafless stem was so flimsy. It was meager, scanty, feckless….it stood there, solitary in the otherwise flawless dirt and stood out like sour thumb. The grass surrounding the tree was not perfect; in fact, it was nowhere near perfect, and in fact neither was the dirt…it was dirt, after all. But, still….the grass and all its flaws…the dirt and it’s stank….it was supposed to be that way. The grass, the dirt, the tree, all of the world…..they were all beautiful. But the weed, different and stranded in a pile of dirt….just wasn’t. Probably in a couple of hours time, the school gardener will have uprooted the weed, killed it….

The fate of a weed would always be death. But Ileana looked down at the weed and saw it for what it really was. She saw a small yellow flower, shaped almost like a daisy but missing that black furry thingy in the middle. Its petals were soft but also wild, untamed. It was tiny; it would never grow to be anything beautiful or more abundant but…Ileana looked at it not with the crowd’s eyes and she saw that maybe it was. Maybe it was beautiful, in its own desolate, solitary way.

Ileana leaned against the tree’s weathered trunk and smiled. Today there was rehearsal for “Ice Tears.” She stood outside, waiting for the populace to clear. The student body; everyone who didn’t have after school activities, got in the bus or their mother’s car or started walking. They were all headed in one direction: home. Home, or maybe the dentist’s office, or to the elementary school to pick up their little sister or maybe if their lives were almost as screwed up as hers to the cemetery to mourn for their dead father or mother or sister. Ileana watched each and every one of them as they left the building, knowing full well that she knew nothing about them; each of their stories was a mystery; a secret woven into his or her separate, intricate lives. She watched each one of them and analyzed their tattered jeans and their warn-out faces and made up stories about them. And she realized that everyone had stories; everyone had secrets….everyone had a hidden part of themselves that they would never, ever reveal to the world. Maybe it was nothing serious; maybe it was just that that boy with the glasses with six AP classes and straight-As really wasn’t all that into academics-it was just his father’s dream, or that that really skinny girl with blond hair, once upon another lifetime when she was a little girl, was obese. Or maybe…the girl sitting in the first chair of the flute section wasn’t going to major in music, or that girl with the almost perfect nose and skinny body actually had rhinoplasty surgery a couple years back.  But whatever it was, whatever their secrets were….

…Their parents might not like it; heck, even they might not even like it…but….the world…if the world knew that the prodigy cellist wanted to quit her instrument….the world could care less. It wasn’t wrong. Maybe, it was stupid, because who would waste such brilliant talent? Who would throw it away?

Ileana wasn’t going to throw away what she had. Her secret…her Jedson. The world…the world would hate it, but…she didn’t care...it wasn’t a flute or a cello or a football or senior thesis or something you could physically grasp.

Love…love was something eternal, transcendent, and….maybe music was too, but this…this was even more so. She would never throw away dance, and if she played an instrument, she probably would immortalize that, too, but for love, she didn’t need to. Its immortality was not faux; it would live on even after they both died and went on to heaven. Yes, heaven.

She would NOT give him up. She headed towards the school building, headstrong, and knew that she would be to Jedson together and even after they died they would die at the same time (because how could they live without each other?) and go to heaven together. Ileana opened the door to the school building and her face lit up when she saw Jedson with his dark bushy hair leaning against the off-white tiled wall, waiting for her. “I thought you’d never come,” Jedson said.

“And miss rehearsal?” Jedson said, and then whispered, so only her brother could hear, “…and miss a chance to kiss you?”

“You could kiss me now, you know. There’s no one in the hallway….it’s stranded, Leena.”

Ileana looked around and realized he was right. “You never know when someone might walk in,” Ileana joked, but, nonetheless, she was leaning in, and so was Jedson, and they kissed. Then they walked to the auditorium for rehearsal, hand-in hand. The nexus only broke once they reached the gathering crowd of the other actors, and even then, it only ended in the physical sense. It was immortal, like Mother Nature. The tree, the weed, the grass…and faraway, rivers, lakes, mountains, the ever-far-away horizon…it was all so transcendent, so perfect in its imperfections, because….because God created it. In the beginning, love started with God.

Love was beautiful. Jedson was beautiful and Ileana was beautiful and right now they were actors with opposite roles but secretly they were something more and maybe one day they would be allowed to love freely. Maybe. But probably not. But…they could hope. Ileana walked into the auditorium and parted, each going down separate isles. They had to keep up their “I hate you, forever” façade in order to convince everyone in the play and directing the play, and later, everyone watching the play, that they really were just acting.

The theatre director stood on stage with her dramatic, black-rimmed glasses, and her curly ghost-white blond hair that was pulled up into a semi-bun, messy but perfectly capitulating to the meticulous, picky nature of the artist. In some way, maybe, every soul was an artist, but Mrs. J’Diocco, who was also their drama teacher, really was an artist. Ileana was afraid to acknowledge her name before, but it was okay now. There wasn’t a word that could describe her better-her seriousness, her histrionic perceptions, that loud, almost haunting voice she used during rehearsals, and the eerie way she seemed almost clairvoyant. Her composure told you that she wasn’t just a teacher of the dramatic arts. It told you, at the same time obscuring the person she really, creating a dark mask alluding to mystery. It told you, and at the same time it didn’t, because nothing she said ever revealed anything, unless you listened really, really closely. And even then, take what you think she meant, and then you have to reverse it, flip it upside down and view it at some weird angle because almost always it will be something eccentric; something out of the box or even unconventional…something you wouldn’t expect. Like the way she chose Ileana and Jedson to play the roles of Jade and Rick.

What were her intentions, really? Did she not know that they were siblings? What did she think would happen, if they were forced to kiss? Did she ever think, that maybe, something else entirely would bud because of it? That they wouldn’t need to be forced to kiss…that on the stage, the drama and romance between Jade and Rick would seem so real, so perfectly balanced and their faces would look so perfectly tortured and wrenched, torn between what the world thinks is right and what they feel in their heart…?...

….That she chose the perfect two people for the roles, that somehow it would give the play a haunting quality, because…had she….did she suspect something? Had she seen something in Ileana and Jedson that they themselves had failed to realize at first? It was completely unconventional, not to mention insane, for her to decide to try to bring it out. But Ileana was fine with it.

No, no one could ever guess Mrs. J’Diocco’s true intentions. Because just like the way she refused to reveal her first name; she never revealed her true intentions. She made up believable lies, sure, and most people fell for it; most people believed it…

…but…Ileana….Ileana was an artist, too. And she could see the opaque mask shielding J’Diocco’s face, just like she was almost sure J’Diocco could see through her mask. But…she didn’t know J’Diocco’s secrets. And J’Diocco didn’t know hers. But the one thing that bugged her was….what if she did? What if…she was the force behind it, creating it?

Except that, love cannot be created. It’s either there, or it’s not. You can’t force two people to love each other, but if two people love each other and its buried deep inside, then you can bring it out. If you’re strong and eerie and strategic enough….unconsciously, yes, unconsciously is the only way. But did she know now? That was the question.

Ileana wanted to run over to Jedson and ask…whisper, that would be okay, even….. “Do you think she knows? Do you think she knew, all along?” …But she didn’t; she couldn’t, because, even with a whisper, people would hear. People would hear and people would chastise them and maybe they wouldn’t even be allowed to be in the play. And Ileana couldn’t let that happen.

“Act II,” Mrs. J’Diocco said, with her loud, high voice, facing the anxious students waiting in the audiences. “Act II, onstage.” This meant that the actors whose characters were present during the beginning of Act II, Scene i, were supposed to go on stage and get in their positions.

Act II, Scene i…..this wasn’t one of the scenes with Jade and Rick. It was Jade and some of her “friends” from the high-class society of sorceresses that she and her father were in. Boring. Rehearsal lagged on, and once they left the school, they were Ileana and Jedson again. They were in love, and they had to hide it, and it was torture.

They walked home together. They knew that when they got home they had to pretend to hate each other. So they took their time, stopping to stare at the blue sky with scattered white splotches called clouds and staring at a tall, leafy tree that didn’t have many branched. It almost looked like a totem pole; it was so skinny, that it had no arms. It was helpless, dependent on all of the creatures of the world; dependent on human beings for releasing carbon dioxide; dependent on the rain to nourish its roots. They stood at the skinny tree and watched the passerby’s, wondering what they were doing and who they were coming home from and what it would be like to run away if they absolutely had to. To do what this tree can not, shoot out from its roots and fly far, far away. To…to run with the wind and never look back. Risk everything. But what about college? They needed to go to college. At least Ileana did. She lived and breathed reading and writing; to learn was to be. It was exhilarating to her; it was a part of every inch of her being.

If it was possible, they had to somehow manage to not have to run away. Not let anyone find out that they were together. And when they finally went to college in a year and a half, they would be a little bit more free. Not completely, but somewhat. And that would be enough. Somewhat. Somewhat. They walked the rest of the way home. No one was home. A note was left on the counter; mom and dad had gone out to dinner, leaving the older children to baby-sit the younger children. Sweet.

Jessie was asleep. Katelyn and Rustin were out of the way. Doing homework, or manipulating schemes, or something. Something. It didn’t matter. What mattered was… Wait, what if it was a trap? What if mom and dad were on to them?

No. It wasn’t a trap. Ileana searched the house, every dark corner, every shadow, every hiding place;...there was truly no one in sight. No one watching.

Ileana smiled; evil smile, innocent smile, flirty smile. She put her hand on Jedson’s shoulder and playfully kissed his neck. He kissed her forehead. They fell on the ground, laughing and rolling around pretending to playfully punch each other. Then Ileana got all serious and she looked straight into Jedson’s eyes and it was so mesmerizing. He stood up and she followed him and he leaned against the wall and she leaned into him, burying her head in his shoulder, and then he lifted her chin and just stared at her lips for an undying moment, and then they kissed, and it was breathtaking. That was when Katelyn flew into the kitchen. Would their sister understand?

At first neither Ileana nor Jedson saw Katelyn standing there her mouth agape. Then they saw her. They broke apart, shocked. “Just….just practicing for the school play, Kate,” Ileana said, gasping, out of breath from kissing. There was no way Katelyn was going to believe her.

 “You’re lying,” Katelyn said.

“No I’m not, Kate, why would I lie?” Ileana said, reaching for the marble countertop.

Katelyn looked straight into Ileana’s eyes. Ileana sighed. She couldn’t…lie. She was horrible at it. Truth was her weakness. She knew this. Ileana stared back at Katelyn, at the same time inching closer to Jedson.

“Fine, fine. You’re right,” Ileana said. She was fighting back tears. “Please don’t tell?” She said her voice wavering. A strand of Ileana’s dark hair fell over her eye. Her hair was disheveled, wild; her face was a tortured mask. She looked down at the ground. She couldn’t face her little sister. She wasn’t supposed to suppose little kids to anything….anything they weren’t supposed to know about. Anything they shouldn’t know about. But Katelyn was….twelve. She wasn’t a child, though. Not Katelyn.

Jedson put his arm around Ileana’s shoulder and she just fell down to her knees and sunk into her brother’s body and sobbed. Her head was buried in his shoulders and they looked like a painting of tortured lovers. After a couple of minutes Ileana looked up and turned around and dared to face Katelyn again.

“Please don’t tell?” Ileana whispered.

“I won’t….” Katelyn said. Her voice trailed off, and she looked at the ceiling, and she did not understand; she did not why her siblings  were doing this. They were brother and sister; it was taboo, and it couldn’t possibly be true love, could it? But what if it was? What if it was true love? Then it was doomed love; it could only end in tragedy. She fought the urge to cry; she did not want anything to happen to either of them. Katelyn cared about them because she was their sister because she was their friend and…Just because. And now, what was she supposed to do? She would never tell, and it would never even accidentally slip off of her tongue, but what was next? Was she supposed to be disgusted? Was she supposed to say, ‘Ew, gross”…? What was she supposed to think…?

She knew, she could use it to her advantage, if she wanted to. She could ask them to do something for her. Do her chores, or give her money, or do her homework, but….Katelyn wasn’t like that. She wouldn’t blackmail her own family. It wasn’t in her blood to be like that…dark and cold and twisted. She just wanted everything to be okay.

“Promise?” she heard Ileana ask.

“Yeah,” Katelyn half whispered, half spoke. “Yeah, I promise.” But she didn’t say what she thought; she didn’t say she thought it was disgusting, but she didn’t say she thought it was alright either. She just didn’t say anything, because, really she didn’t know what to think anymore.

Ileana was a good person. She had perfect attendance, she got straight As, she didn’t go to parties, she did her chores, she didn’t break the rules…Until now. But…it didn’t make her any different, did it? She was still…she was still Ileana, right? And Jedson was still Jedson…?

“But….do a better job at hiding it, okay? I don’t want to see you guys getting hurt,” Katelyn said.

For a twelve-year-old girl, she was pretty smart. Ileana smiled. She knew her sister was right. They had to do a better job of keeping it a secret. They could only kiss in the dark, at night. At night. When no one was awake. Otherwise, someone could see them. Ileana looked at Katelyn, and then at Jedson. Katelyn winked. Everything was going to be okay. The three teenagers smiled. And really, that was all there was too it, right? To smile. To be together and smile and not worry but at all costs, keep it a secret. And now, they had someone they could talk to; someone they could trust. Someone to help them hide it. Because really, anything was possible.

Jedson looked at the clock. 4:23 p.m. It was a Thursday. In fact, it was the Thursday….the Thursday that was the night before opening night of “Ice Tears.” And, even though it was out of character for Jedson to get nervous, he was. He was nervous because…what if people jumped to conclusions…? What if they guessed….the truth? He wanted to tell himself that it didn’t matter; that nothing would happen to him; that he was the captain of the hockey team and the most popular boy in the eleventh grade…hell, the whole school, for that matter….and that he could do whatever he wanted, and no one would care. It was a lie, though….they couldn’t do anything to him because of the play…that was only role-play…but the play would give them reason to be suspicious…and what if they caught him?

What if Jane and Mark caught him? Jedson turned off his computer and sat down on the chair at his desk. He was so damn stressed…he needed something right now…..what did he need….oh yeah, Ileana. His angelic Leena. He wanted to taste her, and feel her, and become one with her, and kiss her, and everything…maybe even go further…

But he had to wait for the right moment. He wanted it to be completely romantic, completely beautiful, completely amazing. Ileana’s favorite place in the whole town was the gazebo…the way the light shone on it even amidst complete darkness, the way the fireflies danced around it and the moon was all the light they needed and universe sustained in perfect harmony. Ileana loved it there. Partially because of the memories it held for her. When their father returned four months after he left, the family had gone to the gazebo around midnight and sang songs from a television show called teen-titans. It had been crazy, really. But it was fun, a symbol of a family that survives the dysfunction. They had stood out there in the cold, just eating ice-cream sandwiches and defying societal norms, and it wasn’t like they even knew that Ileana and Jedson would come back to that moment sometime later in time and transform it into romance (because how could they, when Jedson could never know about Jedson and Ileana, because she would never approve; she would think it was gross and hideous and wrong and this made Jedson want to scream because he didn’t want his mother to be against the MAIN PART OF HIS LIFE). The gazebo….just was. Together, the family always transformed those nights under the gazebo, wandering off into a beautiful night. Just thinking about it made Jedson smile. It would make Ileana smile, too.

That was it!! He could take Ileana to the gazebo tonight, and they could stay there until midnight, and then they could kiss at midnight while the fireflies revolved around them humming softly. What a night that would be…But it had to be a surprise. At 10:00 he would sneak into Ileana’s room and he would blindfold her and they would walk to the gazebo. It would be so romantic.

Ileana smiled with his decision and, with new confidence, he ran down to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat. Ileana was down there. She was sitting on the counter nibbling on a Clementine. Jedson couldn’t help but smile. She was wearing a short black ruffled skirt with a pink lace belt and a sheer polka-dotted lace black blouse over a black cami. She looked so freaking beautiful and skinny. “Going anywhere, babe?” Jedson asked.

“Nope. Just felt like looking beautiful,” Ileana said.

“For me?” Jedson asked.

“If you want it to be,” Ileana said nonchalantly.

“Oh really?” Jedson said.

Just as Ileana was about to kiss him (good thing she didn’t, too), Jane walked in, and it was a good thing they weren’t doing anything, and that she hadn’t heard them flirting. But, damn, they had to stop. Damn!

“Ileana, why are you so dressed up?” Jane asked.

Ileana just shrugged. Good thing Jane trusted Ileana, too. That good-girl reputation of hers came in handy sometimes. “Just felt like it,” Ileana said, like it was nothing. Jane nodded and left. Wait, what had she gone in the kitchen for, in the first place, then? Then Jedson saw a couple grocery bags; she must have just gone into the kitchen to drop off the groceries. And she left because she knew Jane would put them away for her.

Jedson looked over at Ileana and saw that he was right; there Ileana was, putting the groceries away. He couldn’t help but smile. She was so cute, the way she always did exactly what was expected sometimes, and then other times turning around and doing the exact opposite. Jedson walked over to Ileana just as she was taking out the vanilla ice cream to put away and took the lid off of it. He grinned and Ileana grinned back and Jedson motioned for Ileana to get a spoon. She got that tiny silver spoon, with that pattern on the handle, and Jedson grinned, and then they ate ice cream together with that one spoon, laughing and just staring at each other with googly eyes. Ileana leaned in and licked some of the ice cream off of Jedson’s lips and then Jedson did the same thing to Ileana. They both leaned in and just kissed each other, and that one kiss must have lasted for something like an eternity. Ileana pulled away and said she had to finish putting away the groceries and Jedson just stood there grinning and Ileana was grinning too. Right now life couldn’t possibly get that much better. If only it could last forever.

It can; it has to; Jedson refused to let their love be a doomed love. He would make it last forever; even if someone caught them, they would still find a way to be together. It was the only thing keeping them alive. If only they could live forever.

What had Jedson come down to the kitchen to eat? By now, he forgot, but it didn’t matter, anyways, because he ate vanilla ice cream, and oh yeah, Ileana. She always tasted delicious, especially because it was true love. Before Ileana, Jedson had been alone, hiding under the false blanket of popularity. Jedson looked up. Ileana had finished putting the groceries away. “Ya wanna go do something?” Jedson asked.

“Sure, what?” Ileana replied.

“Go see a movie?” Jedson replied, a little hesitantly.

“We can’t, you know that. People will see us,” Ileana said.

Jedson looked up at the clock. It was almost 6. “It’s dark. Dark in the theatre. No one will see us,” Jedson protested.

“I guess you’re right,” Ileana said. “Let’s go then.” And maybe she had given in a little too easily, but she was in love, so it didn’t really matter.

“Should I change?” Ileana asked.

“Why?” Jedson asked. But Ileana  went up to her room and put on a pair of black leggings on under her skirt, anyways.

“Way to spoil it….” Jedson said. Ileana was about to joke back (knowing he was joking), but Jedson beat her to it. “Just joking,” he said. “You still look beautiful, as usual.”

“You know it,” Ileana said, grinning, and they kissed again, hoping no one would see them.

Then they got in Jedson’s car and drove to the movies. They walked in together, stood in line together, almost like they were defying society and just daring someone to notice them; they were flirting with danger; they were flirting with the consequences. They wanted someone they don’t know to see them and say, “Hey, aren’t you siblings…” and they’d say, “what, us…no. No way man.” Either that, or “yeah, what’s it to you?” and then kiss. Or…someone could say something about them being a couple, not knowing that they were brother and sister, and then they could say, “Nah, man we’re siblings” and then they would say “but you sure looked pretty cozy. Like you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, not brother and sister”, and then they’d say, jokingly, but it would really be the truth, “Maybe we’re both.”

But really? No one was going to say anything to them and they knew it and that was why they were safe. No one was going to catch them. And even if they did, there were about a million alibis Jedson could think of. So they stood in the line and, sure enough, no one said anything. Jedson paid for the tickets and Jedson went in the theatre, saving a place for Ileana, while Ileana stood in line to by popcorn and drinks. They met up in the theatre. The commercials were still playing, but it was dark enough, so they kissed. No one would be able to stop them.

Once the movie started, though, they watched the movie, only kissing during the really boring parts. The movie was “Blood and Chocolate.” Jedson had read the book, and the movie was way different from the book. For instance, in the book Rafe was Vivian’s Ex-girlfriend, and Vivian really did end up falling in love with Gabriel and, though still in love with Aiden, parting from Aiden because it could never work….but how in the movie, Rafe was Vivian’s cousin (although there was sexual tension, there was no relationship) and Gabriel was Vivian’s uncle but all of the characters (even Gabriel’s wife, how weird is that?) wanted Vivian to be with Gabriel because it was “for the Pack” and she was the next chosen one….but how in the movie she ended up with Aiden because he was who she was really in love with and really true love should be allowed to survive; in the book it was doomed but in the movie it found a way to outlive all the odds, ending with Aiden and Vivian running away together.

They left the movie and it was close enough to 10 p.m. so Jedson drove to the gazebo and they walked around town and they bought ice cream sandwiches and they sat in the gazebo eating and giggling and staring at the brilliant stars and talking about the movie and talking about everything that matters and staring each other and wishing this moment could last forever. And then at midnight, they kissed. And nothing was ever more amazing then this. Nothing.

They had each other and no matter what they always would, because even though life was more like the books than the movies and there barely were any happy endings, both books and movies were fiction. Love was real and it could outlast everything. Painted in shades of white and red and silver, it was almost like they could go on and on forever and ever, and they could because they would still love each other when they were in heaven and they were the stars that some random lovers were staring up at in the black, midnight sky. They would be the one light amidst the darkness; they would be a constellation with only two stars, and they would be together in that new universe, finally utopia. Not utopia. Utopia sounded too scientific and corrupt. Just…heaven. It felt like they were already there. In real life, there were no happy endings because there are no endings at all, because every ending is just a new beginning. And what was this….

This was amazing. That was what it was. Amazing.

They stopped kissing and stared out at the sky once more, and they saw two stars off in the distance, and Jedson smiled. Because he knew that it was two lovers from long ago…….dead now, but with a story that would never die…never end……..watching over them….approving of them…..and that was why their love wasn’t doomed. Because there were people in heaven who approved of them; they had guardian angels watching over them; some couple of angels who had probably been something like Romeo and Juliet when they were on Earth just like Ileana and Jedson were now.

And they kissed one more time, and they knew they had found quiescent harmony. They knew. And it was the only thing that mattered.

 

 

Everyone knows that after a play there’s always the cast party. And it’s not just for the cast, because you can’t really have the pit orchestra complaining, and then there’s always the crew. And that makes it practically the whole school. Well, not exactly. But it’s close enough, right? Close enough for a rumor to spread. Close enough for things to start, and for sparks to ignite. There is one image of what this night wound ensure: Sweaty bodies dancing around a fiery campfire immersed in the cool breeze of midnight’s silent black…the subtle glow of the fireflies the only replacement for the resilient glow of the moon that long ago would have vanished with the magic of the play. But no, the magic of the play would not be dead; in fact, it would be far from dead. Enhanced and invisible, powerful and mysterious, it would creep from the shadows behind the trees and would reach every single person and breathe some invisible seductive power into the bones of their bodies. The rhythm grows in each and every one of their blood, spreading like a forest fire. The music inside will be blaring, when they get tired of the nosy mosquitoes and the nasty bark of the wind. Bodies will be pumping some chaotic but sexy dance, almost like warfare. Who knows what will happen, in the confines of some cast member’s house where, unlike in the school building, there are no limits to the possibilities of craziness. There are no confines to the definition of “right and wrong.” No one will ever know what happens. Because afterwards, it is always different.

But…that is the cast party. We still have to get through the actual play. Now, rewind, rewind…where were we? Oh yeah, opening night. Cast members were required to arrive at the school by 4:00 p.m. Pit orchestra members didn’t have to be there until 6:00 p.m….lucky. (lucky….? They didn’t get any of the spotlight. But what if that was better? What if the spotlight was dangerous? Can it cause sunburns?)

Jedson and Ileana didn’t even go home that Thursday. They spent the hours from 2:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. kissing….among other things….in the janitor’s closet. They didn’t have any candles, or any of that romantic glory…it was pitch black. But because of what they were, that was what it had to be….dark, and secret. (But who’s to say that it’s the location that makes it romantic? Isn’t it the people? No one saw the trancelike way their bodies moved in the dark, elegant but raw, intertwined as their souls became one. No one saw the magic or the luster, and the fact that it was in secret made the power multiply exponentially. And wasn’t it the best way to prepare…rehearse, per se….for a play where they were playing opposing roles?)

Ileana scrambled to put her clothes back on and reached for the door knob, disheveled but grinning. Was this their first time doing it? In the state she was in currently, she couldn’t think quite properly, and she wasn’t actually sure. All she knew was she felt wild and happier than ever. She reached for Jedson’s hands, and even though it was dark and she couldn’t see the equal grin on her brother’s face, she could tell that he felt the same. Ileana felt…drunk, but she wasn’t drunk, not on alcohol, anyways. She would ever drink alcohol. But she was definitely drunk on love.

“Come on, we have to get in costume,” Ileana said.

“Already?” Jedson asked.

“Its…4:13 p.m. We’re 13 minutes late,” Ileana replied in that panicky voice of hers.

“I love it when you get all panicky. It’s sexy,” Jedson said seductively.

“Not now, Jedson. We have to hurry…and…and what if someone…” Ileana started.

“No one’s going to suspect anything,” Jedson interrupted.

“Wait a minute…wait a minute…Jedson…” Suddenly the expression on Ileana’s face changed. There was worry in her eyes. Real worry, not just worry about being late. Jedson’s eyes narrowed. “What is it, Leena?”

“Jedson…we didn’t use protection,” Ileana said. Her voice was barely a whisper. Jedson didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds. Then he hastened to reassure Ileana. “Don’t worry. Nothing will happen.”

“You don’t know that…” Ileana said.

“Save the worrying for later. We have a play to perform. You’re going to be awesome.”

Ileana giggled. “You’re going to be the star,” Ileana said.

“No you are.”

“No you are.”

They broke out into laughter and chased each other to the door to the costume room backstage. “What are you two grinning about?” some random cast member who played a minor character asked.

“Oh, nothing,” Jedson replied smugly.

“Yeah right,” the random cast member said. Both Jedson and Ileana held their breath until the random cast member said, “Joking.”

Ileana sighed in relief. “What?” the random cast member said. “What did you think I was implying? I know you’re…siblings.”

Ileana and Jedson looked at each other. For a second they were worried, but then they realized that the girl…Laura….didn’t suspect anything. Who did she play, anyways? Oh yea, she played the role of the servant’s servant.

“Yeah, yeah,” both Jedson and Ilena said quickly, almost in unison. “We know,” Ileana said. “We just thought you thought….” Jedson put his hand on Ileana’s mouth before her nervousness caused her to say anything else…something that might expose them.

“What did you think I thought?” Laura asked.

“Nothing,” Ileana said.

“Whatever,” Laura said, and ran on-stage.

Ileana turned around and fingered through the rack of clothing to find the velvet green dress she had to wear for the first scene. She touched the velvet and remembered the first dress-rehearsal when Derek accidentally spilled his soda on the dress. The velvet was rough in that area. From the audience no one would ever tell that there was a stain, but the texture was changed. It was hard, pretending that they still hated each other. But that was the only way to hide such strong emotions. Ileana suppressed a giggle. She grabbed the dress and walked into the changing room. Smiling, she put the dress on and looked for Tessie, the girl in charge of hair-and-make-up.

Tessie always wore these weird vintage outfits that weren’t quite goth but weren’t quite preppy either. She always managed to look like a model, even though she was practically a midget…a pixie. Besides, she was skinnier than any model could ever even dream of being. She had short red hair with a couple brown streaks.

“Tessie!” Ileana screamed, trying to pull off the pixie’s attitude.

The hyper girl sauntered in the room and in a matter of minutes Ileana was sitting on a chair getting her hair pulled and her face strained. It would have been so much easier to just do her hair-and-make-up herself. This was the one part of drama that she just couldn’t stand.

 

The clock ticked some ominous note for a couple of hours and then it was time for opening night. For Ileana, there were no spotlight-jitters. She was ready to just do this thing and get it over with. She was an artist, and a performer. She walked onto the stage and she was not Ileana anymore; she was Jade.

Jade: For years I have yearned for this. And now, when it is finally mine, you will take it away from me…? (tears roll down her eyes.)

Papa: You have your duty. You are my daughter. He is not in your league.

Jade: I do not care.

Papa: Then I am ordering you. You will fulfill the prophecy. You will find the hidden stone, and unleash an ancient prophecy.

Jade: No….I cannot. Papa, I cannot fulfill the prophecy. It is not me. I am sorry…..but you have heard wrong. I am too young to save the world, father….my powers are not strong enough.

Servant (Tara): You underestimate your powers in battle, Miss.

Jade: I know I have been in battle before. I know the rush of a warrior. But I have another calling to answer.

Jade’s Father: What you think is love does not exist. There is no love in this world. Only a shadow of lust and betrayal. There is no use for it. (Pause; play with the gold bracelet on his wrist). Tara?

Tara: Yes, Master?

Jade’s Father: Take her to her chamber.

Tara: Yes, Master. (takes Jade’s hand)

Jade: No! No! No! (struggles)

(later)

Jade: (trembling) I do not care if this is right. I know Papa will be angry, and mother too, but what use are my powers, if using them will hurt Rick? Rick is not a sorceress like I am. I need not go to battle. Even if I am not killed…which I don’t fear, I must say I do not fear death…..but even if I am not killed, I will lose Rick. I know it is not acceptable. We come from two completely different worlds; I am as much an outsider in his as he is an outsider in mine. On both sides there is not one person that would allow this forbidden love. (sigh.) But nonetheless, I am in love with Rick…I am convinced that this is true love. Right now it is the only thing that matters to me. And every fiber in my being tells me I must fight for it. (climbs out the window of her room. It is raining outside. She runs to meet Rick. She is searching frantically for him in fear that he thinks she does not love her.) Rick! Rick! I love you so!

Rick: (looks out his window and climbs down a tree) Jade?

Jade: (nods her head)

Rick: But I thought you were leaving. Please, don’t let me stand in between you and Destiny.

Jade: But…

Rick: Go, fight for your World…for your people, and for the honor and trust of your beloved father and sister.

Jade: You don’t understand, Rick. I…I…I love you so much. You are my Destiny, Rick. (she leans in and kisses him with extreme but somehow gentle passion before he can protest.)

Rick: (leans into the kiss, then breaks away from the kiss.) But.,.are you sure?

Jade: Yes, I am sure. There is no doubt in my mind.

Rick: Then. I will tell you my secret.

Jade: Yes? (narrows her eyes, then looks up at the sky)

Rick: I have loved you since the first time I saw you.

Jade: That is no secret to me. (they kiss again).

(later)

Anna (Jade’s sister): I know your plans.

Jade: Oh, you do? Just leave, I really don’t want you to interfere.

Anna: But…

Jade: Go on, Anna, leave. Leave. Now.

Anna: Your boyfriend’s more important than your father? And your duties?

Jade: He’s more than a boyfriend, Anna. I….I think I love him.

Anna: Well, he’s your boyfriend. Of course you love him. Not that father approves or anything.

Jade: I love him more than a girlfriend would. It’s not what you think, Anna….It’s not just about….the physical saga. It’s something else. Something real.

Anna: Fine, suit yourself. Father won’t be happy.

Exit Anna.

Jade: She is my sister and I love her. But she will tell Papa that I plan to run away with Rick. I cannot let him tell her.

Exit Jade

Enter Tara and Tara’s servant, Saura

Tara: Did you hear?

Saura: Hear what? We must not gossip about our masters.

Tara: This is no gossip. There is to be a war, and Jade would be the hero. But she will let trivial things such as lust for common folk get in the way.

Saura: Do you really believe it to be trivial?

Tara: I do not know. I do not think. I only do what I am told. And you must, too. Be gone. There are dishes to be washed. I must go convince the maiden to get her hair done and thengo to battle training.

(spotlight moves to the other side of the stage. Enter Jade and Jade’s father)

Jade: I am not the answer to this..war...I cannot be the one to fight for your people.

Father: But you are mistaken, my daughter. You underestimate yourself.

Jade: No! You don’t get it! I’m not a warrior! You want me to be….but I’m not. (She pauses, her voice suddenly turning gentle.) And besides….I cannot leave Rick. I cannot. I will not.

Jade’s father: Rick is not a sorcerer. He is different from you. You cannot be together.

Jade: We can. You can not tell me who I can or can not date! It’s a free world, Papa. You can’t help who you fall in love with. I can’t hide it anymore. I love him, Papa.

(There are two acts in the middle. Jade and Rick attempt to run away together. They are caught, and Jade is drawn into the war her father predicted. The enemy gets cold feet, but an unexpected enemy arrives: the ice witch and her soldiers, and after a battle Jade emerges the hero. Jade uses her powers to find out where Rick is and assure him that she still loves him. She then finds her sister Anna and convinces her that there is no right or wrong in love. The servants, Tara and Saura, come-to and realize that it is love, not lust, and it is not trivial. They, at least to some degree, break out of their obsequious shell.)

 

(Final scene)

Jade: Finally we can be together. Papa is not happy. I love him, but I do not care that he does not accept this. There is more than one Destiny for me. I can be a powerful warrior AND a girl-in-love.

Rick: And who are you in love with? (They both giggle. Rick plays with Jade’s hair.)

Jade: (puts her hand on Rick’s chin and lifts it up so his eyes are forced to stare into her eyes) You.

Rick: Oh really…?

Jade: Yes

Rick: There is no other?

Jade: There will never be any ‘other’. My love for you will never be divided.

Rick: (giggles) Then kiss me, finally.

Jade: We have not kissed before?

(They walk over to a tree and Jade climbs the tree and looks up at the sun.)

Jade: The sun is out.

Rick: I know.

(Jade looks at Rick).

Rick: Jade. There are no rights and wrong in love. You are not wrong to start this. You need not doubt us.

Jade: I do not doubt us.

(They kiss, and the curtains close.)

There was, of course, more to the play besides romance, but to the audience, and more importantly, to the actors, romance was the main component. The other elements, like the ice queen that was supposed to be so important, slipped away and the main focus was on the two lovers who were not supposed to be together because of different class lines. Only, in reality the opposing actors themselves weren’t supposed to be together, but it had nothing to do with ‘different’. Anyways, no one knew they were together. And no matter how real their acting seemed, it didn’t matter because it was in fact acting and, hey….they didn’t choose themselves for the roles. Mrs. J’Diocco did.

 

Then the actors bowed and the curtains were drawn and there were the shuffling of so many people, taking off their costumes and putting on their everyday clothes (or, their night clothes, that is), shedding their masquerades and forgetting the illusions and there was giggling and there was “congratulations” and “thank-you” but the thick black eye make up (that was necessary in order for the actors to be seen clearly from the back of the auditorium) stayed on because there wasn’t really time before the cast party (no one wanted to be late, even if it would mean they were ‘fashionably late.’), but for Ileana and Jedson, they still couldn’t reveal who they really were, or, at least, how they really felt. They still wore a mask. Their mask was their own faces, the faces of a brother and sister being congratulated by their parents for being “such good actors” (how was it that their parents had fallen for it? That it was only acting. That none of it was real. But they had fallen for it. Simply because they had no reason to believe it could be true.). Ileana holding the bouquet of flowers her mother told her little sister Jessie to give her. Jedson pretending to flirt with any girl who passed by. Girls in the audience. On the stage….they weren’t acting. This…the aftermath….was their challenge. This was when their acting skills came into play. They had to…start a fight. They were chosen to be the stars of the play. So surely, when they needed to, they could act.

“I’m going to the cast party,” Ileana said.

“You? At a party? Go home and do your homework,” Jedson said.

“I have just as much a right as anyone to be at the party,” Ileana said. “Besides, I’ve broken rules before.”

And so on.

Did their parents fall for it? So far, they had no reason not to. So they did. Ileana marched out. Five or so minutes later, Jedson marched out. Pretend to be angry; pretend to get rides from someone else; but really, they went together, in Ileana’s car. And what about their peers, once they arrived at the party?

By the time they arrived, alcohol was already being passed around, so a bunch of the kids were already drunk. Music was blasting. In this state, they were certainly more likely to jump to conclusions about Ileana and Jedson, right? Anything could happen. It was a party, after all.

 

Ileana didn’t have anything to drink, but Jedson did. Ileana warned him not to, but eventually they both agreed that a little bit would do no harm. As long as one of them was sober, they could keep their guard on. The music was blaring. “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield.

Ileana and Jedson started dancing. As far as they knew, no one was watching them. Everyone in the room was dancing. This wasn’t a time to watch everybody and try to find out hidden secrets. No one was there for that reason. People were at the cast party for one reason: to celebrate. To party. To have fun, unrestrained. The beat of the music was contagious. Someone sashayed over to the light switch and turned off the main light and flicked on the rainbow party lights. The room was dim. The room was colorful. People were sweating.

A flash of pink, a blue jean skirt, swaying hips, a bunch of bodies in a small area, no one knew who was dancing with whom. No one was claustrophobic here, and if they were, they were out of luck.

Ileana and Jedson whispered. They probably weren’t the only ones whispering, and they certainly weren’t the only lovers whispering…they certainly weren’t the only lovers embracing who they were with no fear (because no one could really see anybody else. They were all too absorbed in their own little universe of love. Everyone disregarded the love laws.). “You’re beautiful, you know,” Jedson said. “Not more beautiful than you are,” Jedson whispered back. “How can a guy be beautiful?” Jedson teased, squeezing Ileana’s butt. “Hey!” Ileana whispered and squeezed back. They started dancing faster. They were both laughing. No one heard them or saw them. Because the music picked up the pace too. Everybody was dancing faster. Everybody was human; everybody acted naughty some time or the other.

At the counter a bunch of people were hanging around nibbling on brownies and cookies and cheesecake and nothing was really that gourmet; they just pretended it was. Everyone was hypnotized by the beat of the music; everyone, at least for the time being, really believed that they really could be whatever they wanted to be….that they were each a blank slate, an empty canvas waited to be scribbled on with rainbow markers or gracefully sketched with soft pastels and rough charcoal or sweetly painted with pink and red oil paints and that it really was there decision which medium to use and it really was their decision what to draw and how fast to draw it. Some people were dancing and some people were talking (or gossiping) and some people were sipping lemonade (or alcohol) and some people were still into eating cake and ice-cream like at those birthday parties back when they were in sixth grade but most of them weren’t that innocent and unsullied.

Rebecca and Laura were nibbling on frosted brownies and talking.

“Ileana seemed really stressed out before the play. She kind of jumped on me, “Laura said.

“Don’t hold it against her. Everyone gets nervous before they perform. It’s natural,” Rebecca said.

“But…it wasn’t really that. She jumped on something I said,” Laura said, hesitantly.

“What did you say?” Rebecca asked.

Laura hesitated. She knew that Rebecca was kind of – sort of - Ileana’s best friend. And if Ileana’s reaction to her teasing suggestion actually meant something, she didn’t know if Ileana would want Rebecca to know. Laura wasn’t really one of the popular girls, so she was a pretty decent person. Naturally she was conflicted because there are so many spectrums to right and wrong. For instance, it’s wrong to jump to conclusions and it’s wrong to reveal someone else’s secret but on the other hand….if she was right…. Well, let’s just say, that, by the morality of her upbringing, then Ileana was wrong. It was probably nothing. She was probably just jumping to conclusions. Ileana herself was way more of a goody-two-shoe than nothing. She would never do anything dirty or unnatural.

“Never mind. It was nothing,” Laura said.

“Come on! Tell me!” Rebecca said.

“It was just something about the play. Nothing really,” Laura said.

Rebecca didn’t pry. “So, do you think the play went well?”

            “Better than I expected,” Laura said.

Their conversation was drowned out by the music. With one eye she thought she saw two figures dancing daringly to the music. She couldn’t tell if their eyes were opened or closed pr really who they were because they were just silhouettes to her eye-view but whoever they were she could tell that they really loved each other. Laura smiled. Hopefully, one day she would find love like that.

Meanwhile, Ileana and Jedson were still dancing to the music. No one could tell who they were, so for now, at least, their secret was safe.The darkness was a part of the party and it crept through everyone’s veins and it really was the night with a different face because this wasn’t just any darkness; it was a kind of ethereal light that ironically only survived when it was dark outside. It made everyone feel like partying and it made some people forget who they are and do things they wouldn’t do on any other occasion. Things, like secretly videotaping the party. Things, like hiding in the shadow and watching two people who thought no one was watching them. Things, like finally getting revenge for not being the one selected as the star of the play and being forced to play one of the non-speaker dance roles (which was kind of pointless, since she was a cheerleader anyways). Things, like planning to expose the fact that some things in drama were fiction and some just weren’t.

Days passed after the cast party, and Jedson didn’t hear any rumors spreading around. It turned out that their failure to use protection their first time didn’t matter – Ileana wasn’t pregnant. That was a relief. Once the play was over, they made a vow to keep it a secret. Wait for the nightfall; live as nocturnal beasts. Time past, and their movements synchronized. They got into some sort of rhythm, but they were always subconsciously afraid that suddenly the other one would end it. Months later, this is what they were:

            She opened her eyes and looked out the window. She watched the raindrops fall; she could feel every splatter as she twisted in her spine and she shivered even though she was inside. Underneath the gray sky she could not see the sun, and she was trapped in this withering position, curled up with her spine against the window pane and her eyes glued to the leery glass, waiting for him to come.

Maybe he wouldn’t come.

But he did, every night. She lived for it, breathed for it.

Her wide blue eyes watched one particular raindrop fall to the ground, and it was almost as if she was watching it in slow movement, and all of a sudden she felt the urge to run outside and catch it, taste it’s bittersweet cold on her ruddy tongue, even though it was 3:00 in the morning. Her eyes followed it from her lonely windowsill and she was mesmerized by its perfect form; she was mesmerized by how clear it was, how she could see right through it to what could have been the other side of the world….and….she could almost see tints of blue in it, like in those color-in pictures where raindrops are blue, when….in reality….

….raindrops are gray and dirty and foggy….or perfectly clear, almost invisible, like the angels. She stood up when she saw his weary form at her door. This was taking more out of him than it was freeing him. There were dark circles under his eyes….only small shadows of them, not visible unless one looked very closely….but even though he denied it, this was affecting him. 

He wanted it. So did she. They stayed up all night and waited until they were 100 percent sure their parents were completely sound asleep and there would be no chance they would be caught.

There were dark circles under her eyes, too, of course, but she covered them with makeup, and no one knew any different. She stood up and started walking towards him. Her eyes, once sullen and pointed towards the ground, now gazed off to the side with a subtle brightness, and…although it was bittersweet, it was perfect. She wore a long white silk night gown, and in it...with her, as of late, pale skin, and her long hair flowing at her side….she looked like an angel….or a ghost. He looked up at her and she turned her head towards his face and peered into his eyes. They were deep, so rich, so brown….they told a million tales; they told everything about him, and she could see everything, feel everything, that he felt.

All at once, they knew it was true.

She nodded and he walked towards her and when they collided, he wrapped her into a warm embrace and she smiled, their two bodies merged into one. A lone tear fell from her face, and it was just like that raindrop-it was translucent, see-through. It fell on his skin and it told him everything about her.

They couldn’t live without each other.

And it wasn’t a tear of sadness; no, it was a far cry from that. Now he was with her; she could never stay sad when he was in her presence. Sometimes….everything weighed down on her, the constant pressure to be perfect, and all of the people surrounding her judging her every second and she was almost see through; her mask almost wasn’t good enough, she swore they could see the truth, and she panicked, and she stayed up all night, and she only slept during lunch because she couldn’t afford to let her perfect grades slip…

And she tried to do everything for everyone, and she tried to do everything exactly right….as if it would make up for everything else….being so wrong….at least according to the world’s standard. And how the world would perceive them, if anyone ever really found out the truth, and knew it was true….she shivered at the thought of what might happen.

But then…then…always, she looked into his eyes, and then everything was back to being okay again; she was okay, she could smile, and it wasn’t fake. Her light blue eyes matched his brown ones completely; she smiled when he pulled her hair out of her face with his other arm. And then he could see her face. She was so clear-eyed and lithe, when he was there for her.

And they still pretended by day, that nothing ever happened. Like vampires, they came alive at the night; engaged in every single forbidden action, every single desire, every single ounce of lust that consumed them….but it wasn’t lust, not really…..it couldn’t be lust because it was true love, and….nothing else made sense. If they were changed into vampires, it wouldn’t even matter. Vampires can’t conceive, because they can’t change. He let go of her and looked into her eyes.

“You look tired,” he pointed out. He was right. There was no use denying it. “You do, too,” she said.

But it was something they both chose. And they would have it no other way.

Neither of them said what they might have said a month ago. “This can’t go on forever….” or, “We have to stop….”, or, “This is killing both of us….” No, instead they dove into it, accepted it for both the good and the bad. Nothing could change their minds now; somehow, someway, they would find a way to make it permanent.

He started to speak, but she silenced him with a kiss, and it worked, like it always did. When she pulled away he pulled back in for more and it went on for what seemed like forever and she felt weak and numb and she let her body fall to the ground, somehow lithe, like an angel….or a ghost….and her skin was so pale, that how could it be warm…?

But it was, to him; it was warm and it was all the warmth he would ever need. He fell on top of her and their bodies collided; it was as if the whole Universe was in perfect harmony, and the angels were singing as if they finally accepted this unconventional relationship, and everything was in perfect accord, a quiescent lull before what must be a storm coming…

But a storm never came, and they had each other…They were together, their bodies entwined, their eyes wide….

And sometimes, the world spins round, and everything they thought they knew was questioned, and in the end….everything came back to the beginning, because it was a circle, and in reality there could never really be an end…

And when their bodies broke apart they were still together, still united in quiescent harmony; their two hearts were still beating as one and their flesh was still hot and the fiery in their eyes was fresh and they still needed each other more than ever.

…because how could there be, when there is no definite point of discontinuity in a circle. The lines were smooth, unbroken, uninterrupted. No matter what happened, there was always a way back. Always.

And then she stood up and smiled and she walked over to that same windowsill again, except this time he followed her, and they looked out of it together. It was still raining. They couldn’t hear the split-splatter of the rain, because they were inside, but they could feel it, as if it was their pulse.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” she asked softly.

He didn’t answer at first. She nudged him.

“In…in it’s own way,” he said, and he was right; there was no other way to explain it; when the rain fell down it wasn’t like the sun was sending out a million yellow rays, or like daffodils and daisies in a vast green field…but….it was beautiful in it’s own way, and that was even better.

Just like….just like the snow-capped mountains; it was coldest at the top, but it was also the most beautiful at the top. It was mortally dangerous at the top, as deadly as poison with frostbite threatening to cut off one of your fingers, but….it was still the most beautiful, with the perfect, flawless white snow, not at all dirty, because no one ever walked up there. The snow wasn’t slush; it wasn’t melted and cars hadn’t parked in it getting their exhaust all over it; it was white, white as an angel….or a ghost.

Maybe, they were ghosts. What they had seemed all too perfect, all too unreal, but…

It was real, and they were alive…and…

“Let’s go outside,” she said. She wanted to feel the rain on her hair; she wanted to feel the cool rain on her forehead and she wanted to be immersed with water.

“No. You should sleep…we both should….it’s, what, almost 5:30 in the morning now….?”

And he was right, they had been in her room for almost two-and-a-half hours now, and they had to sleep; they had to get some sleep before their parents woke them up for the weekend’s activities. At least it was a Friday night, and they didn’t have to get up and go to school in the morning. They could sleep in until at least 11:00 a.m.

…        and…there was no one else wrapped up in this, but it wasn’t a mess, and…

.It.

.was.

exactly.

.right.

They went to their separate rooms, or…well, he left her room and went to his room, because they couldn’t let their parents catch them, because…

…because no one else could understand; they thought that maybe they could explain it, but they weren’t willing to risk it; they weren’t willing to risk losing each other…

Because, to be honest, without Jedson’s presence, Ileana Thoroughberg was a ghost of herself.

.Nothing.

.Ever.

.Felt.

.As.

.Perfect.

.As.

.This.

Brother and sister, yes, but two spirits put on the world for each other, and, how could God not accept it, when He made them for it?

.Nothing.

.Was.

.Ever.

.So.

.Right.

.As.

.This.

Ileana were tired of holding out like this. It turned out that Mrs. J’Diocco had known all along. She had the key, after all. She knew about their bi-weekly trips to the gazebo. It didn’t matter that she had foreseen it – the truth was, Mrs. J’Diocco hadn’t created something. She finally gave in and told the two lovebirds her secret, she psychic. An immortal, vampire who had psychic abilities and who wasn’t even burned by the sun.

“You could join me, you know,” Mrs. J’Diocco whispered that night she snuck up on them at the Gazebo. At first, Ileana was shocked to see her high school drama teacher. When Mrs. J’Diocco divulged her secrets, she was even more shocked, but never afraid.

Forsake her future for Jedson. Forsake everything. Create a new future, together. It sounded like a plan.

“Yes. If Jedson agrees, then yes. Turn us into vampires,” Ileana said. Mrs. J’Diocco wasn’t even breathing.

Jedson didn’t even hesitate. Maybe they were fools in love. Maybe it was a foolish choice, a choice that they could never reverse. But it was their choice.

“Yes,” Jedson said. It sounded like he was chanting.

“Wait, so you were the white cat? You can shape shift?” Ileana asked.

Mrs. J’Diocco nodded. “That was me,” she said. “Are you sure you two want this? There might be a different way.”

“No, this is the best way,” Jedson insisted.

“We want this, Mrs. J’Diocco,” Ileana said.

Mrs. J’Diocco bit Ileana on her neck, and then turned to Jedson. She performed the same act. It was ritualistic, in a way. The pain of the transformation was horrible. Mrs. J’Diocco took them back to her home so they could transform in the comfort of her soft bed, but it didn’t help much. The pain of their bones shifting and becoming substantially stronger seared through their skin. It was painful, but well worth it. They didn’t really care about the super speed or the super strength (or even the immortality, really). They did care that because they couldn’t conceive, there would be no reason for them to not be together. With their new speed, it would be easy to run away. Create fake identities. Mrs. J’Diocco would help them to fake their death. A car crash – simple, really.

And that was how it was, then. Ileana and Jedson, together forever. That, and nothing else.  Nothing else mattered.

 

The End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Papercuts.Hate.You.Too]

OMG!!!!!!!! I'm crying that is soooooooooooo sweat!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it!!!!!!!! The end was sooooooo cute!!!!!!!!!! I really liked this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'll be sure to tell alot of people this piece of writing!!!!!!!!
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Leylia

[Jane Doe]

OH mi lady thats beuatiful i mean its its some thing i i i i ove