Stories for a Child

Not a story for a child. Just saying.

Today, upon that bed I lay

The fire kindled deep inside

The faith I wrought from Christ’s demise

Was questioned, what a folly!

Into that field of white I gazed, the fury began to guide me

For I felt that mobs of men mislead by lies so great to hide

That such stories told of heroes old were stories for a child

Author's Note

First poem ever published here. Gimme your thoughts.

Reviews

[TLK]

This poem is very hard to read aloud: the meter, length of lines, and rhyme are all inconsistent. 'Folly' is a word that stands out at the end of the four-line first stanza for many reasons, but it does not go anywhere.

The following triplet is entirely different, and I found it frustrated my ability to read this as on piece.


I was not clear who was questioning the narrator's faith -- however, this is not a big problem. What is problematic is that the last line did not give me enough context or explanation to understand whether the lie is that biblical stories are Children's stories (when they are not) or vice versa.

[theking]

well thank you very much :) it didn't take me long to write, I kind of just pulled it out of thin air so I could post something immediately. However, I found your response incredibly informative, and I notice all of the errors that you are pointing out.
Thank you!

[TLK]

Thank you for taking constructive criticism so very well. I look forward to more considered pieces in the future: the fact that you are willing to listen to the negatives indicates that this is absolutely guaranteed to happen. In fact, I'm going to subscribe to you to see this happening, as I seeing these evolutions in both myself and others is why I'm here.

Welcome to the 'site.

[theking]

I went and subscribed to you as well. I read some of your poetry and found that I have long way to go until I can also write with the beauty and rhythm so apparent in your poems. Thank you for helping me get started on this right away!

[TLK]

I haven't got any training myself: it's just practice. In fact, I've only been looking at stuff about metre etc. since yesterday, e.g. http://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/meter.html