first timer's anxiety

A Story by thelauraslate

We are exhausted, sitting outside your apartment on two five gallon drums of latex you use for special effects. Smoking a cigarette, smirking, we exchange thoughtful glances and do not say a word.

Do I? Do you? Are we? Have you ever felt like this before? What do we do next? What does all this mean?
How do I tell you? What will you think? Why are we so scared? Are you sincere? Am I? Does everyone know except for me? How long will this last? Will you give up? Will I? Are you ready? Will you say yes? Will that be enough to make this feel real? How did i go so long without this? Why didn't you tell me? Can we agree to enjoy this without fear?

I exhale, slightly light headed, you make me forget to breathe sometimes. I am looking at my hands, as if they are brand new and I never worn them before. I ask you if I can have a glass of water. You open the front door, sending a rush of cool air outside, giving me goosebumps. You stand in the doorway looking at me through your eyelashes. You grab my hand, look directly in my eyes, take a deep breath, kiss my forehead, then slide your cheek against mine. You say, "I love you. Please stop worrying"

She loves me. She loves me. She loves me.