Sore

Taken from my journal in November 2006... touches on advice given to me from my father before he passed, second half deals with the reality of an unsavory "pairing".

11/16/06

 

Messages within reveries

My nighttime dream harbors

A visit from father

Shakes his head:

“You could be given the world," he said

Hand-picked flowers,

A dinner date

Jewels that shine,

All that bait

Silver-dollar promises

Silence holds the key

Once turned, it’s no-holds-barred

Set yourself up quite nicely for

Yet another fine trap

 

 

The boy,

Offers no intention but:

One Night In A Ford Expedition

Prefers to keep her

Tucked away in strange locations

No objections thus far, it continues on

Swelling with subservience

If he hears those sobs, the end it will be

No pain, no gain

“No one ever sees us, yet the entire world knows.”

 

I never call you on it

I can’t stop it, once it’s started

In a sense, we both need this

But then-

Why begin the day with tears?

End must come in due time

Reconstruct, degenerate

Just like all good things do

A magnetic attraction-

We must contract

Simple solutions only good for small minds

Just don’t be so rough with her

You may go too far

 

 

Author's Note

Third revision- perhaps needs more?

Reviews

[~LeeAnn~]

I am sorry to announce that your poem (Sore) did not make the finalist for the Broken Hearts contest.
LeeAnn

[Tobias Wall]

I'm not certain what to say about this. I do like it. Revision only goes so far before writer loses touch with her intended emotions...don't fix this too much more. It's like editing your mind, your memories...

[Kelley]

Sounds like your father is a little controlling ....?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Amanda.


Kelley

[Kitten]

i love the first two stanzas...after that though, your voice seems to change, almost third to first and back to third...that might be somewhere to look if you're revising
overall though, beautifully written, and you definitely get a sense of emotion from it. good job!