Journal Entry 02/11/16

I wrote this in my final year at uni, which, for anyone who has been through it will know, was extremely hard work and overwhelming at times. I wanted to share this entry which I randomly found.

The place is completely silent. No-one has ventured into the library this early and I feel at peace. The smell of old books, their dust tickling my nose, is the most relaxing breath I've had in so long. The chill of outside's frost is still on the outside of my clothes but the warm embrace of a place where I find solitude and comfort melts all stiffness from me.
I'm aware my body is still weak and tender from being unwell for the past few days, my eyes heavy from tiredness despite almost constant rest.
I think with frustration of my beautiful laptop, Ghost, who is temperamental and who I really should get repaired but there is a nagging in my head which says 'there's no time'. So much work to do with assignments and essays and deadlines and reading lists. I feel my chest tighten just at the thought. Suddenly my calming environment is full of cries 'read me', 'search my pages', 'I'm perfect for you', 'look my way, I'm just what you need.' The panic gives way to self directed anger. My mind pointing a finger at my quivering self, towering over demanding 'why aren't you doing better? Why are you wasting time? Why can't you handle life like an adult should?' On and on it goes. Condemnation and belittling dancing seamlessly together, casting a net around me. I sit curled in the center, not even struggling, letting each word dig in.
Suddenly there is a candle flicker, so out of place in the disorder and chaos and hate and fear and anger that everything stops. All eyes turned to that small flame. I reach out for the candle, enthralled. Written on the edge it simply says 'I keep my promises'. Oh I wish I could describe how I grabbed that candle, clinging to it. I feel my thoughts come into line, the fear ebbed away and suddenly the  anger and hate turned away from myself and towards the darkness which I hadn't noticed was now fully netted around me. I feel the small flame spread, starting at my center, where anxiety and panic was firmly knocked away. The flamed continued to rush through my worn, tired, tender body, and explode into a raging fire.
I stand, head held high looking right into the darkness. I hear my voice, calm, steady but unyielding speak one word. 'Leave'. Warmth washes over me, from the center out pushing away the dark so that I see the books and shelves and desks and chairs. Feel the tickle of the dust and the smell of age and I feel at rest again. In my ear I hear a loving whisper 'I will never leave you or forsake you', and I know my God keeps His promises. 

Author's Note

I know this is rough and I really wanted to edit as I wrote but actually I think it's more important that it shared as it was written because this is me during weakness and strength. How can I possibly edit raw honesty?!