The Only True

I sat on my light, wood-stained tack box with my head down, staring at my hands. My dark mousy hair fell in curls in front of my eyes which blocked most of my view. However, I could still see him there, standing at the entrance to the stall, staring right at me, eyes boring into my skull.

"Are you hungry?" Josh asked, concerned. His deep voice cut through my state, waking me up from whatever sleep I was in.

"No," I answered gruffly and reached a free hand over to grab my water bottle from where it sat beside me, collecting water on the sides so that it looked like it was sweating. I heard a few footsteps come over as I drank as much water as possible before a large, pale white hand came into my line of vision and snatched the bottle away which crinkled in his hands.

"It's no wonder you're never hungry," he said and I looked up to see Josh staring at the water bottle, now half empty with a focused look on his face, "It's 'cause you've been drinking so much water." He looked at me quizzically, raising one of his light brown eye brows at me, bright blue eyes piercing into mine. 

"Well that's cause it's been so damn hot," I countered and stood up quickly to take a grab at the bottle. The barn spun around in my eyes and I closed them shut tight, trying to stop myself from swaying around so much.

A strong arm reached out and grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into Josh's warm embrace. He walked a few steps over to the tack box with me still wrapped securely in his grasp and sat down on the tack box and pulled me into his lap. With my eyes still closed, afraid to open them, I turned my head in towards his neck and took in deep breaths, smelling his sweet scent of soap and cologne mixed with feed and smells of animals and the barn.

Two sturdy hands lightly grabbed my shoulders and faced me around so that I was practically laying in Josh's lap, not that I minded. After he had positioned me so that I was snug in his arms and he was comfortable against the back of the wall, Josh freed one of his hands and pulled my chin up so that if I opened my eyes, I'd be looking right at his. But I was smart enough to keep my eyes shut so that I wouldn't loose it in front of him.

"You aren't eating on purpose," He said, not accusingly, but just in a matter of fact way. I sighed, not answering. "Look at me," he said. I opened my eyes and his were staring right at me, filled with concern beyond belief. "Haven't you," Josh said. I nodded and he closed his eyes for a moment. Then, without warning, he pushed me over and off of him in one fluid swipe so that I was sitting next to him on the tack box.

He leaned forward and covered his head with his hands, running his fingers through the curly brown hair on his head. I pulled my knees up to my chest and laid my cheek on one of my knees so that I could watch him. I didn't speak and neither did he for a few moments. Then, after a bit, Josh turned his head over so that I could once again see the hurt and concern in his eyes.

"Why," he asked simply. I closed my eyes tightly and put my head in my knees so that I wouldn't have to look at him, and so he wouldn't see my tears. Josh's warm hands once again came around me and he lifted me up onto his lap so that I was curled up next to him. 

I turned my head into his shirt and the tears I had fought to hide for several months exploded in front of me. Wet, hot tears poured onto the his shirt which left marks where they had dropped. 

Using a free hand, Josh stroked my hair, not saying anything, and rocked me for a while, just waiting until I was done. After a long time, the tears slowed and then stopped and I sniffled and pulled up one of my hands to wipe my nose. Ever so gently, Josh pushed me a little ways from him and held me there. He took my face in his hands and looked at me with those eyes of his and a few more tears escaped my eyes. He wiped away the tears with a stroke of his thumb and then held my face like that. This time, I didn't try to hide my eyes. Instead, I took a deep breath and began the story I had never told before.

It took me a long time to explain how things had gotten this way. At first it had just been a few remarks from my parents or sisters about me eating so much but as time went on those remarks turned into comments and when I went to the doctor and he told me to see a dietitian, my world fell apart. What was first cutting back on meals then turned into skipping them. Then the lies about when and what I was eating and soon, a full fledged anorexia storm seemed to take over my body. It's rage destroyed me and turned me against myself. 

The whole time during the story, Josh sat there, looking at me, face even, without emotion. When the parts came that made me cry again from having to relive those moments to tell them, he would simply wipe away the tears with his thumb. 

At the end of the story I sat there, now looking at the nape of his neck, watching his even breaths, in and out, in and out. He pulled my face up to his and searched my eyes for something that I didn't know. In the end, it seemed he had found whatever he was looking for because he leaned down and kissed my nose gently. Then he pulled me into his arms and stroked my hair again. A little while later I heard him whisper in my ear,

"You silly girl, you are so beautiful," and then he pulled back. "It's going to be okay," he told me and kissed my lips, and in that moment, I really believed him.