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Prologue version two


A Chapter by Damon Ross Cottrell
"
This is the reworked prologue for my novel. It contains substanially less data and more characterization than my first attempt. Compare the two and see which one you think is better.
"

Warning
This story is rated Mature and may contain material unsuitable for readers under 18.

 

Prologue

Michele was driving her new ’88 Porsche down the Ventura highway alone at a breakneck pace when she got the call. Her short black hair was tousled by the wind from the open window. She didn’t even bother to slow down as the crystal ball hanging from her rear view mirror began to glow.

No one was more surprised than Michele Ken when she was picked to serve as headmistress of a special school. True, she had served loyally as an intelligence officer with the Blue Pentagram mercenaries for years, but she was a summoned daemon. She wasn’t used to being placed in charge over human beings.

Having received her new posting, she looked at a small console bedecked with blue runes. She touched a rune, the one that looked like brackets, on the car’s walnut dash.

A pitch black circle filling the whole lane opened before her. Within moments of passing through the Portal Gateway, she exited on a rural highway in New Jersey. She swerved to stay on the road as it turned sharply. Reducing her speed she looked at the indicator map on the console. The runes there marked the location of the school.

She drove to the next town where her academy was operating under the guise of a girl’s boarding school. When she arrived she assembled the class in the auditorium to address them.

As a daemon succubus, Michele could take on any form she wished, but for these purposes she had chosen to be a tall blonde with long hair that cascaded down to her mid-back. Her burgundy silk blouse was low cut, her white blazer tight fitting, and her black skirt cut above the knee.

She looked at the faces of her new charges. Some had the light skin of a Terran or Galan half-breed while others had darker shades of blue skin common to Bellicose.

The room full of girls had been noisy before Michele took to the lectern, but now it fell silent. The girls straightened as Michele looked them over-- each girl tensing with nervousness as Michele’s gaze passed over her.

As she smiled at the girls, they seemed to breathe a collective sigh of relief. Michele figured they would be putty in her hands using her ability to read and manipulate emotions. The girls shouldn’t give her any trouble whatsoever. More importantly, she could feed off their feelings and dreams without having to hunt for food. While that strictly wasn’t allowed, it wouldn’t harm the girls, and it would be a great advantage to her. She couldn’t resist the temptation of tasty adolescent fantasies.

“Welcome to the Terran Academy, girls. You are about to begin some of the most rigorous training in all the Blue Pentagram legions. We will entrust you to safeguard our most secret plans and mysteries, but before we get into all of that let us start with a review of Terran history for those who are new to this sacred world. Who among you can tell me of the Four Ages of Man and why they are important. Yes, you in the third row.” She picked a lighter skinned girl who had raised her hand. “State your name, background, and answer.”

“I’m Acea, ma’am,” the girl began hesitantly. ”I’m fourteen. I’ve lived on Terra for most of my life. My father is in the legion and my mother is half-Terran.”

Acea paused briefly to collect her thoughts, took a breath, and recited her answer. “The Four Ages predate written history. First, there came the Age of the Gods. Our cousins, the Terrans, were filled with powers left to them by the Nephilium. They ran amok with their powers. Next, there was an Age of Great Magick, but it ended when warring wizards sealed up the magickal energies. That is why we developed Technomancy-- to use the lower power levels here via our magick items.”

Michele nodded as the girl answered. She expected no less from someone raised on this planet. She liked the girl because she valued beauty more than anything, and this girl would be lovely in a few years.

She eyed the assembly. “Someone else. You, girl.” She pointed a slim finger at a girl with dark blue skin, an obvious native of Bellicose.

The girl, who had been nervously chewing on her pencil eraser, answered, “Papilia, head mistress. I’m also fourteen. My parents are both in the legions.” She continued where Acea left off, “The Age of Heroes leads us up to the modern era. The Seed of the Nephilium still bloomed occasionally. There were only a handful of empowered people per generation and their powers were diminished. The Age we are entering is the Age of Ascension when the Seed begins its next cycle.”

This girl was not as pretty as the last, but Michele could find no fault in her answer. “Now, which of you would like to explain the Seed of the Nephilium?” She scanned the crowd. The girls’ emotions ran the gambit from dispassionate to fearful. There were no volunteers for this question. Her eyes narrowed as she considered her choice. Michele picked a girl from the first row.

     “Flora... ma’am. I’m thirteen. My parents became technomages even though they come from the Galan Empire.”

The girl was a pink skinned beauty even at this young age. Michele could tell this girl was a ball of tense emotions. She could taste the girl’s fear as she looked at her with hunger in her eyes. She reached out with her spirit and absorbed some of her emotion.

The girl faltered as she became uncomfortable. “The Nephilium...um...genetically...uh...engineered themselves. They had god-like powers by their...superior science. They were wiped out long ago by the other races. Only Terra is known to harbor any trace of their Seed.”

“Good.” Michele was pleased and her students basked in her aura of approval. “Finally, what are the natural powers of man?”

Acea answered again. “The natural powers of man are: Magick, Psionics, and Chi. The natural powers are the powers anyone can access.”

“Very good, girls. You have learned well.” Michele soaked in their pleasure. “Our mixing of technology and magick puts us on equal footing with those natural powers, and it even gives us a chance against those that inherited the Seed. We must protect this planet from the other races throughout the systems. You girls will be an important part of that protection.”

Michele dismissed her students to their respective classes. After the girls had filed out, she noted a flight soldier in formal uniform dress waiting patiently by the door. She went over to him and asked his name.

Legatus Felix Forte Fulvus, ma’am. I was told you wanted to speak with me.” His face covering obscured his nose and mouth, but expressive, dark blue eyes peered back at her contrasting with his cyan skin and light brown hair.

“Indeed, come walk with me for a bit. There is a nice balcony where we can relax at the end of the hall. Let us talk there. I have a message for you to deliver, but I want your opinion first.”

They walked to the end of the hall where there was a terra cotta tiled balcony overlooking the school’s gardens. “You may relax if you wish, Miles Forte.”

Forte rolled down his face covering revealing a handsome face and took out a pack of black papered cigarettes. He offered one to Michele, but she declined, and he took one for himself and lit it. “What do you wish from me?”

“I want to know your opinion of the school.”

“I don’t have one. Commander Darius decided we needed a covert ops squad, so we get one. I think we need one too, and this place seems adequate to the task. Opinions are for higher ranks than me.”

“And what of me?”

“You were given this commission. I’m not going to question it either. You seem quite capable.”

“I understand.” She handed him a bundle of rods, a Pentagram fascia. “Carry this to your Commander and let him know all is ready at the school. I will begin their training immediately.”

“Yes, ma’am. By your command, I will deliver this personally.” Forte finished his cigarette and replaced his face cover. He nodded to Michele and strode out the door.

Michele regretted not being able to feed off the handsome soldier, but things were moving quickly now.




© 2008 Damon Ross Cottrell



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Featured Review

I see the transition in the changes, and i could guess what you are thinking (reasons you made changes)

but
I have to say the first one has more potential. If you remember in the hayday of spending hours in the library or bookstore as an avid reader of mythology/mysticism, the more detail there was about worlds and powers, the more engrossing and more times you had to study and memorize, and re-read these details; I think the only polishing you have to do on the first version is making the job of the reader to memorize those details, easier ...



Posted 2 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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