Broken Before It Began

Crumble this white stone and scatter the dust

Rebuild in black and mourn my loss

You drove me away with deceitful stares

Breaking my heart before it began

 

Stare back through a haze of tears

Only to see the destruction in your wake

I freed myself before you could bury me

 

Break away from the curse that is you

You became the air I breathed yet

It tasted like poison; choking me inside

Drowning; fantastic lies engulf my soul

 

I found which way was up, to find you

Had dragged me below the surface

Trying to overwhelm me in your ‘love’

 

I kept my heart and locked it away

Yet I know it was you who broke it

Left hidden in a veil of deceit and tears

You broke and left me before it began....

 

Reviews

[Rie Sheridan Rose]

I agree with Gary. The italics at the end dilute the poem, which has a rock-solid powerful ending with "You broke and left me...". Couple of proofreading things I think you will find if you read it aloud (like your for you're in the italics -- but leaving them off would fix that too) Good beginning to a strong piece. Well done!

[Pj]

Powerful!

[Shelly Wiseberg]

I really enjoyed your heartfelt poem,all the emotions felt deeply. I do not agree with Rie on the diluting, I feel it is great just the way it is, Shelly

[Requiem]

Italics? I don't see any italics! I wanna see the italics now!!!! *clears throat* Sorry. Watching too much tv tonight and music. Anywhoo. This one is awesome. I can't think of anything to say for this one. I love the first two lines of this one the most.

[Tessa Le Rouge]

wonderful way to express the art of pushing people away. haha great read, love. enjoyed ever so much.

[HoWiE]

Nice work, it's funny just how people react in these situations, pushing people away when they want to bring them closer - often these sorts of feelings contribute to actions that are counterproductive. I enjoyed this - thanks very much for entering my contest and good luck! HoWiE

[Amor-de-angel]

A nice write we all see ourselves in,I am a master at pushing people away. Good work and nice expression.

[Darksideofman]

I liked this. It was well written and is a subject that most can associate with. If I were to offer any advise I would say reformat it. In its current format it leads the reader to try to rhyme every line with its preceding one. I don't believe that is what you wanted. I feel that if you did away with the phrase breaks it would help the overall flow.

[PianoandPage]

this struck me as i've totally done this... pushed people away as a victim to my own fear of being hurt. you've pulled it out brilliantly.

[Gabrielle E. M. T.]

This is a very beautiful poem. Very nice flow and rythme in this piece. I enjoyed reading this very much. Great emotion. Wonderfully written. Excellent piece. =]

[Celtic Cat]

I love the beginning of this, very creative and captivating. The confusion of relationships is eternal, I think, as half the time we don't even know ourselves and our desires. You did a great job explaining just how you felt in this.
This is my favorite part:
Break away from the curse that is you
You became the air I breathed yet
It tasted like poison; choking me inside
Drowning; fantastic lies engulf my soul

Nice write!!