The Last Promise

The Last Promise

A Story by TJ
"

Letting someone mistreat you is the same thing as telling them it's OK

"

The Last Promise

 

 

 

It was the betrayal. Many things flashed across her face in that moment - shock, fear, anger - but it was the betrayal that stopped me. Her trust - her faith - in me had been betrayed, and her I could see the break in her spirit through the windows of her eyes.

In those eyes was the epitome of all the broken promises, all the fights, all the built up resentment. As she lie there, grasping the side of her face, her eyes spoke to me: “You broke your last promise,” they said.

 

My own eyes responded, “But you kept pushing me, you were being such a b***h, you asked for this.”

 

Those eyes disregarded me, only repeated their indictment of betrayal, “you broke your last promise.”

 

My last promise.

 

I was always good to her. I told her every day how beautiful she was; more gorgeous than all the beauty of the ocean and the stars. I told her how much I loved her; more than the moon loved the sun. I told her how long my love would last; until all the suns in the universe stopped burning. I promised her a better life. I promised to treat her like the queen she was. I promised I’d never treat her like those other guys; that, in all my days, I would never hurt her.

 

I’d broken almost all of those vows.

 

And now I’d broken the last.

 

“I’m so sorry.”

 

 

It was the rage. Many things flashed across his face in those moments - anger, resentment, hate - but it was the rage, that pure, unhindered rage, that frightened. He was not there in that moment; his body was present, but he had shrunken back within the fiery depths of his mind, leaving behind a monster’s shadow in the shell of his body.

His eyes were hollow pits filled only by hate with no human consciousness to impede its flow. As I lie on the ground, trying to grasp the pain that radiated from my face, his eyes spoke to me: “I will kill you,” they said. "If not now, another day.”

 

I cowered in the shadow of his looming figure.  I looked to him, my eyes pleading. “I can’t believe you did this to me; you said you’d protect me and keep me safe from all the wrongs in the world. You said you’d never hurt me.”

 

He had been breaking his promises since I’d left with him. He had done some of the things he said he would; he got me out of that old shithole neighborhood and into the suburbs and a better life, but everything else had been a lie. He promised to treat me like a queen, instead he barely found time to break away from his work for me. He promised to make me the happiest girl in the world, instead he only screamed at me when I tried to demand some of his time and attention. He promised to love me forever, but instead he thought if he tossed money at me I should be happy and go away.

 

He promised he’d never hurt me, and now he broke that promise as well.

His last promise.

 

I scampered away in fear as he fell to his knees, but saw now that the rage was gone from his eyes, replaced with compassion, sorrow, and regret.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he choked out through silent sobs I hadn’t seen develop.

 

Was he sorry? He was crying, he was hurt, I could see his pain.

I had caused this pain.

He felt bad, he felt sorry. I could see it in his tears. He hadn’t wanted to do this. It was obvious now. I could see how it hurt him to hurt me. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed him so hard today, after all he was working to maintain this lifestyle I enjoyed. Maybe I was being too bitchy to him. Look at him. He didn’t want this. He had never wanted to hurt me.

 

He was in pain.

 

I wrapped my hands around the nape of his neck and pulled his head into my bosom.

 

“It’s ok,” I said stroking his hair gently.

 

“It’s ok.”


© 2011 TJ



Author's Note

TJ
left all my writing stuff under my desk at work Friday, so i couldn't work on my current project ALL FREAKIN WEEKEND... so I figured I'd through something new together this weekend; ended up with the poem Cavalry and this.
hope you enjoy

PS
I think I caught all the dashes that the stupid WC glitch turned into quotation marks, but if you see one i missed lemme know.
honest opinions as always :)

My Review

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Featured Review

Grammer and punctuation, as the others mentioned
Just an observation- no one knows what their own eyes are saying to another. The rush to personal defense is always verbal, he always justifies his actions.
Try using itallics for thoughts, and quotes for verbal exchange; it helps to seperate the two, instead of finding out which it is at the end of the sentance.
[Those eyes disregarded me, only repeated their indictment of betrayal, “you broke your last promise.”] The word disreguarded is off here. A victim never disreguards their abusor- it's too dangerous. Perhaps a mention of a hurt showing in those eyes that radiated a pain far more damaging then the swelling jaw, would fit better?
Very nice work.

Posted 7 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I enjoyed the reading. well done.

Posted 7 Years Ago


--"I could see the break in her spirit through the windows of her eyes"--

--"His eyes were hollow pits filled only by hate with no human consciousness to impede its flow."--

emotions are flowing out of this man! too good!...im too speechless to say more than that!...the impact it had on me is enough!
on last things...eyes do says loads of things...this brought back a load of memories back to me!

Posted 7 Years Ago


Those promises in the beginning so so sweet and so feeling felt and the lines that follows:
"I’d broken almost all of those vows."
From this part on i felt the emotion so much more:
"I scampered away in fear as he fell to his knees, but saw now that the rage was gone from his eyes, replaced with compassion, sorrow, and regret."
Wow such feelings and emotion, i loved this, and what i really loved is how you captured the stories from the both, both voices of the she and he.
The quote you said below the title is really nice to understand the ending of this story:
" Letting someone mistreat you is the same thing as telling them it's OK "
...ending:
"He was in pain.

I wrapped my hands around the nape of his neck and pulled his head into my bosom."
I loved it. Simply loved this. Really good write, your really good with capturing emotions and writing them it seems like or at least defiantly in this.

Loved the title.

Posted 7 Years Ago


i loved this Tj... excellent!

Posted 7 Years Ago


im not the type to wonder on punctuation and grammer but more what it means and hows its wrote. i loved how it shows about the diffrent relationships and what is silently said or behind the lines. Brilliant write!

Posted 7 Years Ago


i believe this is an excellent write with a message i am very familiar with. you should post this all over the internet and submit to any magazine that will accept it. must always put a light on this. thank you for putting this out there.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Few grammar mistakes. Nothing a good edit couldn't fix. Like your style though and your flow.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

this was so beautiful!! it showed the delicate balances that are relationships...i've never know someone to not hurt me....i've never been abused, but that doesn't mean i've never been hurt....my husband has broken many promises, but so have I. i saw a little of my relationship in this which is what makes it so beautiful!

whenever we are hurt, we look for ways to protect oursleves, including lashing out at people.... i loved it, i almost turned away beacause it wasn't a poem, but i'm glad i didn't! thank you for sharing!!!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

as i read this i saw myself flashing through these lines:
"It was the betrayal. Many things flashed across her face in that moment - shock, fear, anger - but it was the betrayal that stopped me. Her trust - her faith - in me had been betrayed, and her I could see the break in her spirit through the windows of her eyes.
In those eyes was the epitome of all the broken promises, all the fights, all the built up resentment. As she lie there, grasping the side of her face, her eyes spoke to me: “You broke your last promise,” they said.

My own eyes responded, “But you kept pushing me, you were being such a b***h, you asked for this.”


Those eyes disregarded me, only repeated their indictment of betrayal, “you broke your last promise.” "



I have this ex gf & this is how i start to treate her, i become a monsetr with rage and anger.it really hits straight thru my heart.




Posted 7 Years Ago


A good story concept, and you do a reasonable job conveying the emotion. I like the two perspectives describing the same scenario. As mentioned in other comments, grammar needs work. For instance, tense ~ past or present, pick one.

Also, I would like to see more action and description and less passive ~ i.e. "the rage had drained from his eyes, choked out by compassion, sorrow, and regret." instead of "the rage was gone from his eyes, replaced with compassion, sorrow, and regret." This may seem picky, but if you take the time to refine this piece, it will feel even more emotive than it already does.

Nice work.

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on June 6, 2011
Last Updated on June 14, 2011

Author

TJ
TJ

Virginia Beach, VA



About
My name is TJ and I'm still just your typical aspiring author :) Follow me on twitter @tj_coles And for some short stories in 140 characters or less follow @timmystales more..

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