The Last Promise

The Last Promise

A Story by TJ
"

Letting someone mistreat you is the same thing as telling them it's OK

"

The Last Promise

 

 

 

It was the betrayal. Many things flashed across her face in that moment - shock, fear, anger - but it was the betrayal that stopped me. Her trust - her faith - in me had been betrayed, and her I could see the break in her spirit through the windows of her eyes.

In those eyes was the epitome of all the broken promises, all the fights, all the built up resentment. As she lie there, grasping the side of her face, her eyes spoke to me: “You broke your last promise,” they said.

 

My own eyes responded, “But you kept pushing me, you were being such a b***h, you asked for this.”

 

Those eyes disregarded me, only repeated their indictment of betrayal, “you broke your last promise.”

 

My last promise.

 

I was always good to her. I told her every day how beautiful she was; more gorgeous than all the beauty of the ocean and the stars. I told her how much I loved her; more than the moon loved the sun. I told her how long my love would last; until all the suns in the universe stopped burning. I promised her a better life. I promised to treat her like the queen she was. I promised I’d never treat her like those other guys; that, in all my days, I would never hurt her.

 

I’d broken almost all of those vows.

 

And now I’d broken the last.

 

“I’m so sorry.”

 

 

It was the rage. Many things flashed across his face in those moments - anger, resentment, hate - but it was the rage, that pure, unhindered rage, that frightened. He was not there in that moment; his body was present, but he had shrunken back within the fiery depths of his mind, leaving behind a monster’s shadow in the shell of his body.

His eyes were hollow pits filled only by hate with no human consciousness to impede its flow. As I lie on the ground, trying to grasp the pain that radiated from my face, his eyes spoke to me: “I will kill you,” they said. "If not now, another day.”

 

I cowered in the shadow of his looming figure.  I looked to him, my eyes pleading. “I can’t believe you did this to me; you said you’d protect me and keep me safe from all the wrongs in the world. You said you’d never hurt me.”

 

He had been breaking his promises since I’d left with him. He had done some of the things he said he would; he got me out of that old shithole neighborhood and into the suburbs and a better life, but everything else had been a lie. He promised to treat me like a queen, instead he barely found time to break away from his work for me. He promised to make me the happiest girl in the world, instead he only screamed at me when I tried to demand some of his time and attention. He promised to love me forever, but instead he thought if he tossed money at me I should be happy and go away.

 

He promised he’d never hurt me, and now he broke that promise as well.

His last promise.

 

I scampered away in fear as he fell to his knees, but saw now that the rage was gone from his eyes, replaced with compassion, sorrow, and regret.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he choked out through silent sobs I hadn’t seen develop.

 

Was he sorry? He was crying, he was hurt, I could see his pain.

I had caused this pain.

He felt bad, he felt sorry. I could see it in his tears. He hadn’t wanted to do this. It was obvious now. I could see how it hurt him to hurt me. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed him so hard today, after all he was working to maintain this lifestyle I enjoyed. Maybe I was being too bitchy to him. Look at him. He didn’t want this. He had never wanted to hurt me.

 

He was in pain.

 

I wrapped my hands around the nape of his neck and pulled his head into my bosom.

 

“It’s ok,” I said stroking his hair gently.

 

“It’s ok.”


© 2011 TJ



Author's Note

TJ
left all my writing stuff under my desk at work Friday, so i couldn't work on my current project ALL FREAKIN WEEKEND... so I figured I'd through something new together this weekend; ended up with the poem Cavalry and this.
hope you enjoy

PS
I think I caught all the dashes that the stupid WC glitch turned into quotation marks, but if you see one i missed lemme know.
honest opinions as always :)

My Review

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Featured Review

Grammer and punctuation, as the others mentioned
Just an observation- no one knows what their own eyes are saying to another. The rush to personal defense is always verbal, he always justifies his actions.
Try using itallics for thoughts, and quotes for verbal exchange; it helps to seperate the two, instead of finding out which it is at the end of the sentance.
[Those eyes disregarded me, only repeated their indictment of betrayal, “you broke your last promise.”] The word disreguarded is off here. A victim never disreguards their abusor- it's too dangerous. Perhaps a mention of a hurt showing in those eyes that radiated a pain far more damaging then the swelling jaw, would fit better?
Very nice work.

Posted 7 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Some writers take pages and pages to write about a few emotions or an event or a period of their life..others can write a few paragraphs and get their ideas out so eloquently (like you did here). Wonderful wonderful wonderful! I really enjoyed this one :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


:) This is intrestng, hehee hidden messages :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


"y(Y)ou broke your last promise," "they said(.) “i(I)f not now, another day.”" "my eyes pleading(.)"

An amazing story. As Rachael said, a little more anger would be great in the first part. But you captured fear and despair perfectly in this story. Also, I can see the lady character being a super depressed person, bringing the reasoning behind someone else's anger in on herself.

Posted 7 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

really interesting i liked the firs part this was really good !!!

Posted 7 Years Ago


wow. that was very deep and moving. really enjoyed it.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Really nice. I loved the raw emotion of the story. I also like the structure - first we get his side then we get her side - it's refreshing.
There were a few grammatical mistakes in there that I think Rachael touched on.
Also the "b***h", "shithole", and "bitchy" kind of bring it down for me - cheapens it. Honestly I think you could do without those. I'm definitely not opposed to using curse words but it seems out of place here.
Aside from that great work!

Posted 7 Years Ago


oh, what a perfect ending. The abused and neglected comforting the abuser and neglect-er. What a wonderful juxtaposition.

Posted 7 Years Ago


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A very touching and heartfelt story. The plot and theme was powerful, as love is itself, and the way you emphasized the feelings made this a better write. I enjyed reading this story, stunning job. :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


I like it has a great message/theme behind it :) 

Posted 7 Years Ago


I like the second part a lot.

The first part.....not so much. I feel like he should be angrier, should be blaming her more or something. I feel like I get too little of his personality coming through. I can't tell if he's a quick to anger kind of person or a meek person. You get more of his personality in the second part but that's through the eyes of the girl which are somewhat unreliable.

Some technical things: it should be "lay" instead of "lie" in "As she lie there". Also I think this sentence "Her trust - her faith - in me had been betrayed" is unnecessary because you mention betrayal twice before that and by the time we get to that sentence we already know the guy has betrayed her. (And by definition that would mean he betrayed her trust/faith in him.)

But the second part is super awesome and I would not change a thing about it!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on June 6, 2011
Last Updated on June 14, 2011

Author

TJ
TJ

Virginia Beach, VA



About
My name is TJ and I'm still just your typical aspiring author :) Follow me on twitter @tj_coles And for some short stories in 140 characters or less follow @timmystales more..

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