A Comprehensive Essay on the Dangers of Ducks

A Story by Anor

Humorous essay on ducks.

This, my friends, is an essay about ducks. Yes, those yellow, quacking, feathered menaces of the ponds. I'm sure we all know what I'm referring to. Everybody has seen them. And those that haven't have seen their menacing antics on hit propaganda show, Tom and Jerry.
People nowadays are surprisingly misguided. They show unnatural fears of completely nice creatures, such as crocodiles, or lions. These animals have completely respectable kill statistics, of generally 5-20 a year in the civilized areas of the world.

What, then, you might rightly ask, are the statistics of DEATH-BY-DUCK?(Henceforth referred to in this document as DBD.) The answer is that there are none. You might now outrageously try to defend the aforementioned yellow furies for lack of evidence against them. BUT DON'T YOU SEE!? This very lack of evidence is what tells against them! THEY ARE TAKING OVER THE INTERNET AND HAVE REMOVED ALL DBD STATISTICS!

Sorry for my outburst there, I sometimes lose my cool when discussing these predators. D'you know, there are people on this earth who are intelligent enough to understand that these ducks are actually yellow-coated raptors? Yes, yes there are. And the rest of the world stomps on them. They tell them that they're crazy, that they're seeing ducks everywhere. Anatidaephobes, they call us. It is the universal acknowledgement that the ducks are winning. If the human race does not understand that their very existence is threatened, then how will they go to war?

Still, our current position in the war isn't as bad as it was circa 3000 years ago. Back then, the ducks had an even greater master of propaganda. He went by the name 'Zeus'. He passed himself off as an extremely gifted human, albeit one with excessive growth of facial hair. He realized that the humans had begun to revere him, and thus began one of the most deluded periods in human history.

They were known as THE DUCK (There is a common misconception that this is meant to be pronounced as 'Dark', but it is untrue) AGES. This is a time during which Duck Sculpture first began. Statuettes of ducks dated over 2000 years old have been recovered. The intellectuals of this earth believe that this is when the ducks first began to assault the aforementioned DBD records, and so took their first step towards establishing rule on earth.
I must leave you all now, for I fear that they are near. I shall end with the usual Anti-Duck poem, but I would also like to remind humankind of their duty to their race. Please, friends, if you hear the dreaded 'QUACK' once more, barricade yourself in your house, and don't come out, lest you add to the secret DBD records.
Signing off,
T

'Dear friend, if you do hear a quack,
Run, go hide in a shack,
For truly, of gifted humans, we have a lack,
And don't want another body-sack

Dear friend, when you see flashes of yellow
Waving as though they were Jell-O
Be prepared for the war-like bellow
Show thyself to be a careful fellow

Dear friend, when into open combat with the winged fury, you come
Do not let your senses grow numb
And as a general rule of thumb,
Please, try not to be dumb.