When He Holds Me

A Poem by Jodie

when he holds me i
feel whole,
like all the holes inside me have been filled
with the melted butter colours
that diffuse through the sky
when the sun sets

when he holds me i
melt,
and i feel like candyfloss getting
tucked under his tongue,
it's sickeningly sweet and his
sugar-spun kisses keep me dizzy

when he holds me i
breathe deeply,
with every shuddering inhalation, i take
the way he smells after a long day,
safe, and sometimes sweaty,
and i stamp it with size three feet
into the box i keep,
"things to think
when i am scared
and cannot sleep"

sometimes,
when he holds me i
fold into myself,
instead of folding my legs around his
and his arms squeeze me tightly
but not tightly enough to
pull me back to now,
to him holding me,
to sunsets and candy floss.

sometimes,
when he holds me i
am just too far away
and small
and scared
and my hands are sweaty but not because
he's holding them.

sometimes,
when he holds me i
realise i am still far too small and still
far too scared
and no matter how many times he
fills my holes
i'm scared
i'll never be whole.