Chapter 1: The Winner

Meet our two main characters: Hanako and Ryouta.

Some notes on Japanese culture:

1. Japanese people usually attach a suffix to people's names unless they're really close.  Here's a list of the suffixes:

-san is respectful and used to someone older than you or someone you don't know that well

-kun is used with friends, usually boys

-chan is used if you're close friends with a boy or girl

-sama is extremely respectful and used to address a king or a leader of a gang or God or something like that

Senpai means "senior" and is used respectfully.

2. In Japanese high schools, there's a board posted after exams that lists the top 100 students in the entire school.  Your ranking on the board decides what kind of college you can go to.

CHAPTER 1

In all my life, I’ve never seen such a proud-looking, annoying face.  I glared at him from underneath my hoodie, looking at that glowing, gratified expression… seriously.  What could be more annoying?

I was looking at him, but what was he looking at?  The grade board. The cursed, terrible, detestable grade board.  And so was everybody else.   I was standing in a huge crowd of high schoolers, each one of them craning their heads up to try and see what place they landed in for the Semester 1 exams.  It was a huge bustle of excited whispers, whoops, and people sobbing-everyone was pushing and pressing against me to get a better view. I stayed rooted in my spot, glaring at him.

Seriously.  He was so annoying.

I didn’t even bother to check if I was listed in the top 100.  I knew that, at best, I was in the bottom 500 of our school. Even though my dad is vice principal.  I didn’t really need to get good grades, but apparently my dad thought I did, and I was not looking forward to facing him this afternoon.  My gaze got even darker as I glared at Ryouta-but then his gaze shifted.

His eyes locked with mine.  I yanked down my hood quickly, but not quickly enough to see the grin forming on his face. I shoved my way through the crowd-a thing that probably earned me a bunch of annoyed looks-and finally escaped.  Breathing a little harder, I leaned against the wall. He didn’t catch me staring, did he? I was all sweaty from being in that huge crowd of students, and I could still hear their rowdy noise behind me. I straightened my blouse and my skirt.

Suddenly someone yanked my hood down, grabbing some of my hair with it.  

“Ow!” I yelled, before turning around-it was him.  He had a wide smile on his face.

“Hey, Hanako.”  Why the heck was he using my first name?  I scowled. “Are you ignoring me, Hanako? Did you see the grade I got?”

I glowered at him, before rolling my eyes and saying,

“Yeah, I saw.  Good for you, Mister Number One.”

He beamed at me, and drew himself up proudly.  “I’m definitely going to become an engineer. ”

“Whatever.  I’m sure you can go to Tokyo University, make millions of yen, and then get a girlfriend and get married.  Good for you.”

I smoothed down my hair irritably, and then turned around and started walking towards the doorway to the sun-filled soccer field.  He ran to catch up with me, ruffling my hair.

“You can act like you’re mad, but I know you’re secretly happy for me.  Aren’t you? Aren’t you?”

I stopped, turning around to look at him.  “Hey, I just fixed my hair!”

He smiled again.  Because he was next to the window, the sunshine dappled itself all over his face. He had a sharp jaw and wavy black hair that brushed into his eyebrows, but didn't cover his dark chocolate eyes. I felt like his tall figure looked even taller right then, even sharper because of his crisp uniform and tie. I could see why he was so popular with the girls.

I turned around and harrumphed, then tied my hair up and kept walking. He followed me, walking in front of me, and then he grabbed my shoulders and suddenly stared at my face. I looked at his nose.

“Hanako.  You know… when you wear your hair up like that, you look really similar to a samurai!  It’s super cool!”

I sighed.  

“Do you want to die, huh?  Also, don’t call me by my name, okay, Nakayama-kun?  Even if you’re…. Over 1000 places higher than me by grade, I’m still two years older than you.  So you have to call me senpai. Sen. Pa. I.”

He tilted his head, closing his eyes as if he was thinking about something super deeply.  I crossed my arms, waiting. His eyes snapped open, and then he smiled again, saying,

“Let’s go get some chicken, Hanako!”

We munched on chicken hungrily.  Most people weren’t inside the school store, except for a couple students asleep by the windows.  We sat at the best table-it was right next to the air conditioner and the biggest window which faced the school garden.  Since it was springtime, a bunch of flowers were blooming, and some of the cherry blossoms were still floating down to the ground.  The cafeteria looked dingy next to the beautiful scenery outside-I would have to let Dad know he should get somebody to clean it.

I grabbed the last chicken wing away from Ryouta-I mean, Nakamura-kun.  

“Hey!  Why are you taking chicken away from the best student of the school?  I need it to study well!”
I munched happily at him.  “Ryouta-I mean, Nakamura-kun, I’m your senpai.  You have to give me the last piece of chicken. Besides, you got the best grade in the school.  You don’t have to study.”

He scrunched up his face at me, and then leaned back in his chair.  I sighed happily, before sneaking a peek at him. He was looking out the window.  I could just tell how happy he was-and even if he acted annoyed that I took the chicken, I knew that he was in way too good a mood to actually be mad.  I smiled.

“Ryouta.  Should we go celebrate after school?  Since you got first place.”

“Really?!  Woah, Hanako-senpai, thanks so much!  I guess since you offered to pay, I’ll have to accept.”

“I didn’t mean that I’d pay, stupid.  You-”

The bell rang, and he quickly grabbed the bottle of tea we'd been sharing and finished it off, before slamming it on the table and grabbing his bag. He ran out of the cafeteria and right at the door, waved goodbye.

"Thanks for cleaning!"

I stood there, speechless. I cleaned up, muttering all the while-but there was a tiny smile on my face. I couldn't be mad at him today, either. I'd known how he'd studied for hours and hours each day, practically killing himself and never sleeping to earn that first place. He hadn't gone to our class's Christmas party or New Year's party, and I'd almost had to force him into celebrating his own birthday. He'd worked hard.

I grabbed my bags, and walked to my classroom.

When I reached the door, it felt like all the cheerfulness had been sucked out of me. I could hear the sound of violins getting tuned behind it, of the chatter of students. I was excited to go in, to get out my violin, to play-but my heart was thudding. I screwed my eyes shut and took a deep draught of breath.

I was going to be fine. If Ryouta can miss so many holidays and stay shut in his room studying, then I can do this.

Right when I reached my hand out to push open the door, somebody on the other side yanked the door open at the exact same time.  I stumbled forward a couple of steps-slamming into the person and knocking them over. When I opened my eyes again, it was Mitsuki. There were tears running down her face and her eyes were puffy, like she'd been sobbing for hours. In a second I realized it was because of her grades-and then I realized that I'd caused her to fall over. I scrambled to my feet.

Everybody stared at me.  All the people who were tuning their violins, rubbing resin on their bows, and tying up their hair stopped. And stare. My eyes went wide, and for a moment, I wanted desperately to run away-but then I looked down.  The sobbing girl was Yamamori, sprawled out on the shiny wooden floor. Hastily, I smiled, and reached out a hand to help her up.

“I’m so sorry.  I’m really sorry-I just stumbled.  I’m sorry.”

She looked at my hand, and then got up without taking it.  I ignored that, and started dusting off her back (even though the floor was already impeccably clean) but she just flinched away from me.  Wiping her eyes, she glared at me and said,

“Wow.  Thanks a lot, Ekubo-sama.”  I flinched at hearing sama.  She looked at me up and down, and said,  “I know that I only ranked eighty on the exams, but at least I showed up on the chart.  Some violinist you are. There’s no way any college will accept you if you fail every single class like an idiot.”  Her words felt like physical pain in my ears, and I bit my lip quickly. Suddenly the only thing that I could look at was the floor-and I could see the faint reflection of my pinched up face in it.

Someone thumped my back, hard.  I stumbled forward again, the breath knocked out of me.  Everybody was staring at me, their eyes riveted on me… I could feel the hot tears welling up-my throat getting thicker and hurting-I blinked a couple times, hard.  

“Oh, are you crying, Ekubo-sama?  Should we get you some tissues?”

I wanted to leave.  I really, really, wanted to leave.

“Ekubo-sama?”  Through the hair that was falling in my face, protecting me like a wall, I could see her.  She gently used one finger to tuck my hair behind my ear, and I repressed a shudder. Leaning in close, I could feel her hot breath on my ear-

“Ekubo-sama?  Can you hear me?”
Then-lightning fast-I couldn’t even register it-

She punched me in the stomach, knocking all the breath out of me.  I doubled up, and despite my efforts a couple of tears dripped down my face.  I could feel all their eyes on me-like slime all over my body-

“What’s going on here?  Ekubo-san? Are you alright?”

I couldn’t even look up, but I knew it was Asaki-sensei.  There was no mistaking that high,

glamorous voice.   I couldn’t lift my head, I could only look down at the ground, at the swirling grains of polished wood.  Then I could hear her-Tanaka-her voice impossibly sweet and concerned,

“Asaki-sensei!  I think Ekubo-sama is having her… you know.  Monthly girl problems. She looks like she’s in a lot of pain… maybe she should sit out this time?”
I could feel her finger digging into my arm, gripping my muscle hard.   My heart thudded terribly, and more tears came out even when I tried to stop them-but this was the only way to fight back.  This was the only way to win against her. My voice shaking, squeaking a little, I piped up.

“Um… Asaki-sensei, I am in a lot of pain-” Tanaka pinched me harder, causing one of the muscles in my arm to shift uncomfortably.  “-but I think I’ll be fine if I take some medicine. And…” I looked up at Tanaka shakily. She was peering carefully into my face, smiling, looking so friendly and concerned.  “You don’t have to call me with -sama, you know. I’m fine if you just use -san.”

Tanaka smiled, and I could tell that she was mad, but she stopped pinching my arm and dropped her hand.  I almost let out a sigh of relief, but I didn’t. I kept it in and straightened up shakily. Asaki-sensei looked at me for a moment, but I knew that I was the soloist.  They needed me for the practice.

“Fine.”  She said.  Then, turning to everyone, “All right, class, let’s start.  Get in your places please.”

I scurried away to my violin, unzipping the case.  I’d already tuned it, but I did a quick check on each of the strings.  Then I rubbed some more resin all over the bow, and tied up my hair in a bun.  I also wiped my eyes, as subtly as possible. Everybody else was doing the same thing, but I knew it.  I knew they were all stealing glances at me-pitying me, thinking that I deserved it, or just observing something interesting.  A cowardly stupid girl who had been crying moments before.

Avoiding Tanaka’s gaze, I walked to the front of the group carefully.  They were all sitting down on folded chairs, but I got to stand up. Asaki-sensei had told me that even when my legs ached and my arms shook, it was a privilege and an honor to stand.  Now, in front, it was natural for them all to be staring at me. It was normal to have the attention of every single person in the room.

I tried to ignore the feeling of dissection from their gaze, and looked forward.  Ignoring Asaki-sensei in the corner, despite the bright pink dress she was the wearing and the fact she’d already started conducting.  I looked resolutely at the whiteboard across from me, littered with the last class’s lesson and different posters about how to read music.  Behind me, the violins had softly begun, their notes faint inside my ears. I rose the violin to my neck, while reading the poster that talked about time signatures on the left side of the room.

Now.

With a sudden stroke, my note filled the air-I could feel the vibrato inside the body of the violin, running along my neck.  It was full, it was rich, it was a good note. My eyes flicked to Asaki-sensei, and a small smile had spread across her face, and then I saw that she had put her left hand down.  Behind me, the violins began to go faster, and then the only thing that I could see was the bridge, and my fingers flying across it.

A, E, F#, and then I had to do a vibrato-that part was hard, and I focused on it.  There was a slight gap in between the notes, and my G was a little bit flat. I sucked in a breath and I could feel the music deflate, but then it picked up again when I began the next measure.  It sounded so beautiful, but I could hardly hear the other violins-it was just mine.

I softened the sound a little bit-this was the sweet part.  Every note in the music, no matter how fast or slow, glided across my bow and I could feel it in my violin, coursing through my body.  My eyes flicked back and forth from my bridge to Asaki-sensei with her graceful, flowing movements. My fingers were a tiny bit stiff, and my legs were getting tired.  But I was great. It was an honor, for me to have such tired legs. I knew it, and everybody behind me, including Tanaka, knew it too.

Every time outside of the music sheet, I would lose.  But every time I stood here, and they all stood behind me-I was the one with a full view, I was the one who got to stand.  Every time I stood here, I was the winner.

The song finished.

Reviews

[Agyani]

Konnichiwa
The first thing I noticed about your writing is your command of the language. Even though there aren't any fancy words as such, the language is mature and polished.

But I found a few issues with the story.
1. Hanako chan's character is quite ambiguous, and so is her relationship with Ryouta in the beginning. Initially it seemed like she didn't like him at all and couldn't stand the smirk and proud look on his face, but all that changed quickly when they are having lunch at the cafeteria and it's revealed that she is proud of his hard work and commitment.
Even in the violin class, she seemed strong-willed and sure of herself before entering, but all that changed when she got bullied in such manner. So it's not really clear what kind of a person she is. Even confused high-schoolers go in a particular direction.
2. There are a few sentences where you have tried to say quite a lot, to give a lot of information. Rather than doing that, you could break them up and rephrase them. For example, "I looked resolutely at the whiteboard across from me, littered with the last class’s lesson and different posters about how to read music".
3. The sentence structure seems off in a few places, like "All the people who were tuning their violins, rubbing resin on their bows, and tying up their hair stopped. And stare. My eyes went wide, and for a moment, I wanted desperately to run away-but then I looked down". You can focus on the punctuation first and then try and rephrase the sentences to say what you mean in a coherent manner that doesn't disrupt the story's flow. I mentioned the flow of the story because I felt you introduced some details later than they should have been introduced, or they were introduced unnecessarily.

I'm sure you have a big plot in mind, and I'm interested to see how things move in their lives. Also, I liked how you wrote about Hanaka chan's performance. As someone who plays an instrument, I could understand as well as feel it. Good job there!

[umeboshichazuke]

Thank you so much for taking the time to give a detailed review of my writing. Your feedback was really helpful and I'll be sure to remember it when editing and writing. Thank you again!