Chapter XXIIA Chapter by Calypso
In like a lion, out like a lamb, at least that’s what Lily always said. At least for this year it was true. Most people seemed antsy because Spring Break was coming in a month.
It seemed silly, but people were gearing up for Spring Break like people get ready for Christmas.
In her classes January was just about to give up. She was three weeks shy of the end of her trimester and she felt so tired. She assumed she would experience tiredness sometimes in her pregnancy but now it was hitting her like a ton of bricks.
If she wasn’t daydreaming about her bed she was in bed and when she was in bed she trimmed off time of her classes so she could have thirty minutes or an hour more of sleep.
The baby was at week 23 and things for January grew uncomfortable. Now it was harder for her to sleep during the night and sometimes to even sleep at all.
Often she would steal Xandera’s extra pillow and shove them under her growing belly or between her legs just for the comfort.
On a normal night she peed before bed, woke up at 1am and pee, woke up at 5am and pee again. By the time she was up at 8am she felt like a zombie.
Lack of sleep is bad for the baby, but there were times she wondered what would happen if she aborted it. The wondering thought were followed by a churching sense of guilt that just wished she could kill herself. Kill two birds with one stone or (relative to January) kill two people with one bullet.
The thought of suicide grazed her mind about every night and at time she feel asleep with it still there, waiting for her in the morning.
The school was still on a sort of lock down. The rules had been less enforced as time went along but Xandera still found time in her busy day to complain about the rules.
January was starting to wonder if anything ever tickled her fancy.
Between the art showing and homework she had only time to think, to wonder. At times she wondered what would happen if she told Xandera what happened that night and other times she wondered if she hadn’t worn red. Her psychology teacher told them guy associate red with sex.
What Jamie said resonated in her mind. The event its self may not have been her fault, but the lead up to it may have been.
When January was 16 George and Lily went on a couple’s retreat in the middle of October. They didn’t want to leave her home alone for a week so they sent her to Amadeo’s (her dad).
During the school Amadeo is always more strict then in the summer. He told her that she had to be home at 9:30 and in bed by 10:30. Celia thought it was fair because she was 18 and had the same curfew.
January wasn’t used to a lot of rules. In Lily and George’s home the ground rules where: no drugs, no sex and no alcohol (unless a parent gives it to her). Other then that she could do as she pleased.
On the third night of being there she didn’t come home at 9:30, in fact she didn’t return until 11.
That time spent was at a 7-11, alone. She had no one to visit to talk to; she just wanted to break the rules.
When she came home Amadeo was sitting in his armchair in front of his wide screen TV.
January thought about scaling up the house and going into her window but she knew she could never do that if she had vertigo.
When she stepped though the door Amadeo jumped out of his chair as if he had been waiting for her all night. He had rolled up the newspaper he was reading and started waving it in the air as if she was a dog that wet on the floor.
He had many choice words for her. January was hurt by many of the things he screamed at her but she never cried. Now she can only remember one thing he said.
“If you’re going to act this wild and crazy then I would bet my life savings that you’ll end up having a child out of wed-lock.”
He said more, thirty minutes worth of more, but the last statement stuck with January for the past two years.
Looks like his gamble wasn’t in vain. She is now lying in bed wondering about the things growing is side her. Will it look like him? How will I feed it? Will I have to give up school?
January knew if she came out as pregnant it would really hurt her mom, but her dad would disown her.
If the baby would be born who would have the time or money for it? Most people would say put it in foster care or have it adopted, but that doesn’t always go as well as you would want it to.
She can’t stomach abortion and not just because she’s Catholic, for her there wouldn’t be enough punishment for aborting her child.
Yet maybe if the child were dead it would be spared the pain it brought on. It could be spared from any pain.
January couldn’t live with this anymore either. Maybe suicide was the answer.
As she lied in bed the next night she heard Xandera up and moving about.
January had just woken up from a full bladder and had returned from the bathroom.
“What are you doing? You’re going to wake Willow up.” January whispered. She could the curse of Xandera’s back and that was it.
She stood up and took something from her mouth. January realized it was a flashlight. “I doubt we’ll wake up Willow. You and I both know she never sleeps. Even vampires and beasts sleep.”
After turning off the flashlight Xandera climbed over the hill of clothes on the floor and flicked on the light.
Willow was sitting up and looking off at the distance.
“What are you going up at 3am?”
“I had to pee. What about you?” There was an edge of defense that January hadn’t intended when she said that.
Placing a hand on her hips she answered. “I dropped my brush.”
On top of Xandera’s desk were ten tubes of oil paint and an open notebook. There was a trail of thin paint splatters going from the window to five feet away from the desk.
“What? Have you ever painted in the dark? I find it…sexy.”
January didn’t care what she thought about it. She just had the push aside the clothes to find the brush.
“Aww…” Xandera picked up a black tank top splattered in yellow pant. “And I actually like this.” Her lower lip stuck out a bit.
January hardly felt sorry for her. If she didn’t want it messed up, she wouldn’t leave it in the floor.
She kneeled down to pick up the brush when her shirt came up.
“Oh look at that belly!” Xandera roared. “Are you pregnant?”
“Oh she is!” Xandera laughed and it sounded evil in January’s ears.
“January… what happened?” Willow sounded more kind.
Her mouth felt dry, like it was filled with cotton balls.
“Is everything alright? Who’s the father?”
January couldn’t believe herself but she said “Jared” and felt better.
“So when you were dating he bedded you?” She paused “Just like that? You had just started college!”
“Hay!” January yelled in response “I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t ask to be raped!”
Both Xandera and Willow gasped even though Willow had already heard the whole story.
“Do you remember that night… the night I asked for you to come and pick me up from the hospital.” January spoke without a quivering voice. “Well that night Jared drugged me and here I am, pregnant and... wrecked!”
January stopped for air but there was nothing else that needed to be said. Shaking her head Xandera said, “Why didn’t you say anything.”
“Cause its all my fault. I feel like s**t.”
She thought about bursting from the room but as Xandera came up to her with open arms she had no choice but to take the hug.
Once the embrace was broken Xandera tried to speak to January but January could barely understand what she was saying.
She felt overwhelmed and too tired to have a decent conversation. As she slipped between the covers Xandera stopped asking questions for the time being.
In the morning Xandera would have a whole new set of questions in store for her, all of which January never answered.
© 2011 Calypso
Added on July 17, 2011
Last Updated on July 17, 2011
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