Rubies in the Snow

Heartbreak at its finest leading to the untimely rise and collapse of a young woman trying to find her place in the world.

They always say when you die your life flashes before your eyes. They were wrong. There was no light, no beautiful flash of my life, just cold. However I became so acutely aware of all of my surroundings that it made the world more beautiful then I had ever seen it. The cold snow that sank under my body made me feel like the earth was comforting me with a magical white blanket that was stained with hundreds of rubies. The full moon over me lit the icicles in the trees and the rubies glistened in the natural wondrous world I had never seen around me before. It was more beautiful than anything that could have ever flashed before me from my past for which I was grateful. Then as the memories of how I had come to this place crept back into my mind, the stinging cold of my breathtaking surroundings pierced my heart.
I always believed I was like most girls in the fact that I always just wanted to find my true love, and live happily ever after. There was a lot of heart break that went along with that but I never found anyone that completed me. Until I met Joseph. He was more than I ever could have imagined or prayed for in any life. He was the perfect height that you just had to barely lift off of your heels to kiss him, and they were the sweetest kisses that anyone could have asked for. His hair was black which set off his clear blue eyes that made you feel like he could see straight into your soul. My favorite thing was just to look into his eyes and get lost. It was his eyes that actually brought me in from across a crowded room. As soon as our eyes locked, we moved towards each other. He smiled at me and my knees went weak. I don’t think anyone could have been nearly as embarrassed as I was when I grabbed his arm just to keep from falling to the ground. He laughed but not at me in a mean way, you could just tell he was happy and that it was me that made him happy. This made me smile in a way I never had before. I just knew that from this day on he was my match, the only person that filled the hole in my heart and I silently prayed in that moment it would always be like that. I guess God didn’t get the message that night.
Our “Courtship” as my mother described it seemed to be as normal as anyone else’s. After that first night, I waited by my phone for two days before it finally rang and I heard his honey-sweet voice asking me out. The fluttering in my heart was uncontainable and with as much composure as could be mustered “Yea, sure” was all that came out of my mouth. It was enough for him because he set up a time and date. It was not the dream first date but it was perfect. He talked about so many things and it was hard not to fall prisoner of those beautiful blue eyes. The night ended with Joseph’s soft lips barely brushing my forehead, then my hand. I watched him walk away and thankfully, as soon as I was out of his sight my knees gave out again and I hit the floor. I just laid there replaying every moment in my head trying to burn in it my memory so I would never forget the happiest night of my life.
The relationship continued to grow over the next few days, then weeks, then months. He was so proud of me no matter what I did. I knew he did not need me or love me quite like I loved him but it never mattered to me. I seemed to be enough for him to be happy and that made me so happy every day. My best friend Carrie never seemed to understand my infatuation with Joseph but I didn’t care at the time. She was in a relationship and had been for years, so why couldn’t I find someone? I always thought I was never quite as good as her because I was not with someone, and the guys I did date were not near as good of guys as the one she had. So why was it not ok for me to be happy like she was? Now I have the realization that maybe she knows just a little more than the rest of us. It became so bad that she went to my parents and turned me in for my sex life, with the exaggeration of that my entire future was on the line because of this guy. So they grounded me and took Joseph away from me, or so they thought. I continued to talk to him, sneak out to see him, and our sex life went from virtually not existent to I would have gave Jenna Jameson a run for her money. It was all just to spite them. There was no desire in me to do all this stuff but they had to be taught a lesson for trying to keep me from my love, the only one who could fill the void in my heart.
Without saying, things spiraled out of control. My grades got bad, I lost a lot of friends, and my parents grew to resent me and probably regret not finishing off their sex act a different way so I would not have been conceived. My entire life became about proving a point and Joseph. He was all my life was and all I wanted was to keep my life happy. It worked for awhile, he loved me as far as I was concerned and that was all that mattered no matter what it cost me. Including my pride, future, family, and friends, all I cared about was keeping him. Here is the advice you should hear on that note, once you make a guy your whole world, your world will collapse around you. Guys like to be wanted not needed and relied on for everything you do, want, think, plan, anything. I wish I would have known that before I made my mistakes.
I became desperate, jealous, and when these things were too much for him, he became the man I loved less and less. I missed Carrie, and wished I could make things right with her. That will probably be the biggest regret of all. She was my sister in life. We grew up together, why did I have to prove something to her? Why could I not listen to her when she warned me about him and that I was losing everything? I gave everything up just to be spiteful and in trying to hurt her I just showed everyone how right she was about me and how much more she knew me then I did. Why could I just not call her for advice? I knew she would not take my call, that’s why I never did. She was doing so well for herself, she did not need me there to bring her down. Still, I miss her so much.
It’s amazing how alone you become without even realizing it. You have the entire world at your feet, everything you ever thought you wanted, and the person you were sure was the savior to your life. Come to find out it was all a mirage to get you lost out in the desert, separated from your group, with no chance of ever finding your way back home. When you realize you are alone, you become frantic, scared, and desperate for someone to be there for you. When they aren’t you feel you can make them, bribe them, anything for that short attention you get even if it involves lowering everything about yourself to be something and someone you’re not, just hoping someone will want to be there with you.
Joseph became very frustrated and almost sick of me relying on him for everything in my life. It exhausted him. Like a puppy that follows you around and whines all the time, needing constant attention. He began going off on his own more and more without me. More guys nights, time needed for studying, time working on his truck, whatever he could use as an excuse to keep me away. One night, mid January after a big storm, he told me he was snowed in and not getting out so he couldn’t see me. I made my way out into the snow just to escape the fighting and pestering of my parents on a nightly basis. I loved the way the snow crunched under my brown fuzzy boots. The snowflakes hit my hair and almost instantly melted from the heat exiting my body.
“Joseph McCullough’s house” I heard a girl say. Immediately I was ripped out of my winter wonderland and into reality. Why was this girl from school talking about my boyfriends house? What was going on? “Yea they know that there will not be school tomorrow from the snow so he is throwing a party, and I hope I can be his party favor.” It took everything I could to not run and slap the smile of her smug tanned face. She was beautiful and it made me nauseus thinking that the person I have put my entire life and future into was inviting over this she devil with blonde hair who wanted to sink her nails into him. As the thoughts entered my head about whether or not to beat the hell out of her for thinking such thoughts about my beloved Joseph, a new thought hit me. He was throwing a party. He told me the weather was to bad for him to get out, which was not a technical lie but still, how could he? What do I do now? Should I go ahead and confront her or do I go to him first? How can I even ask him about this? What if he lies to me? I couldn’t comprehend my life if I lost him and was not able to have him in my life with me, so even if he did lie... Would I just forgive him? The air seemed to come quicker and quicker as it felt as if I was drowning and there was no water anywhere around me. I fell against a wall, then the ground. The tears formed and burned my eyes and skin as they fell against my cold flesh. I sat in the snow, just there on the side walk and without a second thought of anyone that could have seen me, I wept.
The breathing came easier eventually, the tears stopped, but the pain never left. The pain in my chest dug deeper and deeper into my soul. I had to see him. I had to show him how much he was hurting me, I had to ask how anyone could ever hurt another living being this bad. What did I ever do to deserve this from him? I loved him, I promised my heart to him forever, gave him all of me, and made sure he knew he was the only person I had ever fully given myself to.
As I made way towards his place, the snow became the comfort I needed. The cold made it harder to cry. It made every breath feel fresh and new. How pathetic was I? The only comfort I had right now was not a friend, family, no, it was the most despised weather ever. As I rounded the bend of Joseph’s long driveway, I saw it. Close to every car from our high school Parking lot. People were outside, inside, in their cars, everywhere you looked. See Joseph lived on a farm almost. It was 10 acres in the woods, with a bonfire pit, barn, etc. It was always so beautiful to see it in the snow, but tonight all I saw was people. How was I ever in my life going to find him in all these people? I decided to check the house first. He hated snow and would probably be in the kitchen guarding the drinks. I made my way into the front door with little trouble but working on through the hallways and into the kitchen seemed to take forever. There he was. He was not alone I quickly took note of. The same blonde she-devil was there twirling her poorly dyed hair and smiling at my man. He was laughing and hugged her. At that point I couldn’t hold it back anymore. In the warmth of this place where Joseph and I had so many memory’s and I saw him with her the tears returned in full force. This may sound strange but it was almost like he felt my pain because as soon as I felt the first tears fall you would have sworn he was in pain too then he looked straight at me. I could not just stand there as I lost control of my emotions. I turned and started pushing my way through the crowd of sheep that made up my high school. “Jay, Please, Stop! Jess! JESSICA!!!!” he called, and called. Fortunately I had the height advantage and easily slipped back through the crowd to get out. I heard him trying to see where I went and follow me but everyone towered me in this area so I made it out the door mostly easy and began running. I was in no condition to drive so I just wanted to go into the woods and let out these feelings then go home. As I begin to feel I was far enough away I stopped running. I tried to get my breathing to slow and the pain to ease but it wouldn’t. The sobs came harder and harder and nothing I did would help or make it better. The pain shot through my chest as if I had felt my heart explode. I Found a stump close to a rock hill to sit on.
The cold slowly crept in and began to comfort me again. Just as my breathing became more regular and I could see through the tears that were still forming, I heard something that shot me to my feet, “Jessica! Where the f**k are you! This is ridiculous!” Joseph’s voice was so cold. I was scared of what he would say when he saw me. I began to back away from the direction his voice was coming from. I barely had time to scream as I went tumbling down the hill full of rocks and boulders. I landed on the bottom of the hill with a loud thud, and I think I let out some weird groan or something too. The first thing I noticed was how incredibly warm my face and head felt, the second was that I could not get up. I had no energy to but also I was not physically unable to. I started noticing my surroundings. They were so beautiful. The snow around me was now covered with bright red pools and droplets. It looked like the world was covered in rubies. As I became coherent enough, I realized the rubies were actually blood. My blood, to be exact. I became very scared but the warm feeling and the comforting cold made it so much easier to accept the fact I was going to die here, alone. I missed Carrie. She would never have let this happen. She would have protected me from getting hurt by Joseph. As I prayed that my last wish would be she would show up so I could apologize for everything I had done I heard a noise. The Snow crunched from behind me where I could not see. I heard loud breathing, and almost like sobbing. “Oh my god baby, I’m so sorry” Joseph said. He came around to where he was in my limited eye sight, he blocked the beauty of the rubies that had me so mezmorised. I wanted to see the rubies. They kept me aware, they kept me in reality. As he looked into my eyes, something came over me. I knew now what the truth was now. It took everything I had to form the words and try to tell him what I needed him to know. “Joseph”, he shushed me and tried to tell me to just lay quiet and it would be ok, I spoke over him. I had to know he heard this. “Joseph, I don’t love you anymore. Good-bye.” My eyes rolled back to where I saw those beautiful rubies again and as the moon hit them, there was my beautiful light. Everyone really was right. There is a beautiful light before you die. Mine was just an amazing shade of red, that came with a sense of unknown freedom.

Reviews

[Brianna Van Zandt]

This is a very good, sad story. I definitely enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work! If you ever want someone to edit/proofread your writing, you're more than welcome to send it over to me in a message. I'd be thrilled to help you out. :) Keep up the good work!