Grey-Lined Walls

my face tightens and gets soggy wet
as i wonder if this is the way life will always be
so-called-empty threats
followed by so-called-friends emptying
and strolling hand in hand
to the sunset and away from the
desperate bleeding corpse of nothing-girl

and i somehow doubt their thoughts will linger
on this pile of pathetic absence
every-so-often i imagine they will look back
and remember lousy-excuse-for-a-being
and sweep her way out of sight out of mind out of thoughts
because what is this fragmented child to them?

yet i know that if any were in this situation
i'd be strong there for them
never once get vexed and sure I'd be frustrated
why can't you see that we care?
but i would always be so standing stable waiting
for the day that they got better
and we could wander off and celebrate
in pajamas with our favorite form of almost-high

but I'm not them and i know that I've hurt them one too many times
for me to take any of it back
and I'm so sick of saying sorry
that i can only say it to myself anymore
can  only say it to the one that i hate the most

so I'm forced to sit here
soaking from the tear ducts down
waiting for some sweet relief to take me upupup and away from here
'cause life's looking dull and grey
with shades of rainbow in-between
like the way my fingers were supposed to be wrapped in-between the spaces of yours

sometimes the solitude is much too silent.