Rogue Celery

Wandering around the fruit and vegetable section of Safeway I’m watching the people who are wandering with a bit more purpose than me. Perhaps they’re hunting for that perfect apple, or quince, or pumpkin, or zucchini or whatever the hell takes their fancy.

Out of the corner of my eye I see, what I presume to be celery and what is most definitely a vegetable of the green and leafy variety, jump off the shelves. There is no one near this incident. No small child knocked it. There is no party to blame.

I whisper ‘rogue celery’ to myself and fantasize about the others following it’s example and having a revolution. Attack of the killer tomatoes but not discriminate to those red juicy fellows. They will all rise up together, in a symbol of unity, and kill us all.

However, impartial to my thoughts and feelings and dreams, none of the others move. Any minute now the poor fruit and veg boy or girl or slave to the Safeway system will come, pick it up, and put it back in its place… and the celery will go back to being the good celery waiting to be bought and eaten. Nothing will change.

 

I’m somewhat disappointed.

 

Reviews

[The Purple Kazoo]

i love it!! satan's toaster sent me a read request [thank you!]. i have sometimes thought about these types of things, except never vegetables...being a vegan, i think they're a bit innocent. but they probably do have a nasty side (especially spinach), and after reading this piece, i will never look at a produce isle the same way again. the last line is especially wonderful. kudos!!

[The Guerrilla Warhol]

this is great. if any vegetable were to kill me, it'd be garlic. if that even technically a vegetable, i'm not sure. but many a clove have fallen to my skillet. [chills]

[richard hurndall]

I get these feelings too! It's good to know I'm not alone. Celery is a freaky vegetable. Best not to stare at them too long.
I thought Safeway didn't exist any more- perhaps this piece was written before the vegetable revolution...

Dude i work in a supermarket and sometime's i indulge myself by juggling the tomatoes or apples.. but after this story i shall do it no more, i shall be polite and talk to the fruit and vegetables in an attempt to appease them and keep them in their place.
Great imagination! A revolution of vegetables is definitely what we need, but then the vegetarians might starve!
-ST