INITIATION ULTIMATE, Chapter 1.1: Narrated by Tharseo

The Naming Ceremony is today, where Tharseo will earn his value name, then go off to an Initiation Zone to prove himself or die. There's a reason behind his choice of a name symbolizing courage: Ion.

CHAPTER 1.1, NARRATED BY THARSEO

Sometimes I think about my brother.  No, that's a lie.  More like, I always think about him.  His slightly messed up dark blonde hair, his gentle hazel eyes, his unlimited kindness for everyone he'd speak to, and his intelligence.  The way that he could sway a crowd with his words.  His rigor and enthusiasm for the tiniest details in life.  His ability to never get angry.  His love for life, in general! 

 

Last time I saw Ionracas, I was ten years old.  I looked up to him in practically every way a little brother can.  Being 12 years older than me, there was almost nothing he couldn't do.  Ion's life was nothing but a success.  His death was nothing but a tragedy.  Ion was a great man and an amazing brother, and he sure didn't deserve to die at the age of 22.

I still remember the men storming our house.  I remember the scream of my mother coupled with the sound of dishes clattering to the floor, and the pounding of my feet and heart as I race downstairs.  I remember grabbing my katana off the wall,  and my assumption that this act was all just a part of training.  I remember my confusion on seeing the man with a knife at my mother's throat, the three armed soldiers in the kitchen.  I remember my unprepared father's resourcefulness as he tried to fight with nothing but a kitchen knife, and then hearing the two gunshots from our attackers.  I remember the realization that my parents' lives had been taken in the blink of an eye.  I can still hear my scream of agony, and the furious heat on my face as my katana impales the belly of a guard.  I remember that empty feeling in my chest, the one that throbs as if a fist is twisting my heart.  I can still feel the heat of the flames building up inside the house, and smell the smoke as it begins to choke me.  I remember Ionracas shouting, as he throws open the door and sees us, to get outside. GET OUTSIDE, 444!  I remember the sound of his bag's zipper as he arms himself with a pistol, and I remember the bewildered look in his eyes.  I remember his desperation to protect me as they closed in on us, closer and closer.  I also remember his last word whispered to me, courage, and his last breath upon the bloody torture table.  I remember everything.

The truth is, I cannot forget.

***

I wake up with a shudder, blinking away at the darkness around me.  The last tendrils of my dream unravel and dissolve, releasing me into the present, which happens to be 3 years since I have last seen Ionracas.  I'm 13 years old, which means one thing.  Today's the day, I think to myself.  I must wake up.

Author's Note

Tharseo has a strange gift: An inability to forget. For him, it's more like a curse.
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Let me know what you think! This comes from my 364 page novel that I am rewriting (the file corrupted). I'm 15 yrs old, so don't be too harsh on me. :)

Reviews

[Jake Donald Stephens]

This is an awesome start. Already I feel sympathy for this character, a child forced to grow up early, to not only see these traumatizing things, but to take part in them. This brief first chapter raises many questions for the reader, while getting them right into the gritty action of this fictional world. I must read on, and know more.

[A.M. Victoria (LostWritings)]

Wow, that's exactly what I was trying to get at. Thanks!

[Hatter57]

A.M.,

I remember reading a bit you had posted about this story earlier, probably in one of NS's threads.I've been wanting to check it out ever since. So far, you don't disappoint. I'm probably not going to post comments on every section you've uploaded, but be assured I'll read it all and provide feedback where I think I have something constructive to offer, whether it's "good" or "bad".

There's not much in this first chapter to draw any conclusions from, so here I just want to offer a bit of encouragement towards honing your basic skills. The first half of the paragraph on the attack is done in past tense, and then about the time Thareseo's katana impales an attacker, it switches to present. I get the sense of Thareseo seeing this all over again in his mind's eye, but if that is the effect you're going for, make it consistent throughout. Otherwise, I'd recommend just staying with past tense throughout, since the "replay" angle doesn't strike me as particularly compelling at this moment in the story. We can understand it as Thareseo's dream both ways.

[A.M. Victoria (LostWritings)]

Thank you for your feedback! I'll look over the consistencies in the past and present tenses. The majority of the novel is done in present tense, but Tharseo has a lot of flashbacks so I'll probably have to make sure his flashbacks are consistent with the tenses. My goal in this chapter was just to introduce his history at this point, though. Thanks for reading and helping me out!

[Hatter57]

I'm curious about your choice here. Is there a specific reason that you chose present tense? Even for firt person narratives, the more usual choice is to tell the story in past tense, as if the narrator(s) were telling you about their experiences over a cup of coffee - or beer, if you're of age and so inclined :). For an example, check out Jim Butcher's books in the Dresden Files series, though there are numerous others, of course. The only real downside is that you're tipping your hand that the protagonist lives through the story, and so is able to relate his adventures to you afterwards. But after all, don't most protagonists live to tell the tale? If one of yours doesn't, then maybe you've got a legitimate reason to put a present tense spin on things, though even then it can be tricky.

One additional thought I've had, which I'll include here since I just finished the second half of chapter 1. In Hunger Games, theliklihood that someone would be chosen was smallenough that most families probably didn't try to train their children to be prepared in the event that their name was drawn - there would be too many other things that were more important for daily life and whatever training they could provide would probably be of limited use if the child did wind up in the arena. But in your story, everyone goes through these rites. It seems like this would have a major impact on the childhood experience. Maybe you've already thought this through (and of course I have no clear idea what is involved in the trials at this point, but they're obviously hazardous). But I think it is worth considering, if you haven't already.

[A.M. Victoria (LostWritings)]

1.) I'm using present tense mostly to show how the feelings and perspective of the character changes throughout the storyline. Also, it just comes easier to me.
2.) Everyone goes through these rites when they're thirteen as basically a process of elimination. The people that won't survive are mainly the weaker and less intelligent ones, and they will not live to carry on the gene pool, leading to the strengthening of the human race in this country. Of course, strong and intelligent people could possibly die as well. This country wants the best people possible to make their country stronger. The Naming Ceremony here is mostly for the elimination of the less intelligent and weaker goal. The Initiations also contribute this, but they also help children learn to lead and find their strengths in life. (I'm not sure if this answered the question or not.)

[Hatter57]

Response to 2.
No, that doesn't really address the question. What I'm suggesting is that, while children in our present society can reasonably expect an easy life up to age 18 (and often far beyond, depending on circumstances), the children in your story grow up knowing that they will face life-and-death decisions at an age that we would find unacceptably young for such stress. So wouldn't this change the complexion of childhood experiences? I doubt kids in this country have the luxury of going to the movies or keeping up with 20 different TV series - all of their efforts would be directed into learning skills to help them survive the coming trials, probably starting around 8 or so. Think SAT preparation turned up to 11. Boy/Girl Scouts (or equivalents) would have a paramilitary bent to them, and probably engage the kids in activities that would produce high rates of injury, along with a certain number of fatalities. Most kids would probably remember one or twofriends who never even made it to the ceremonies. Or at least that's my take on it. It would take a truly optimistic outlook on life to allow a child to come of age in this society with anything other than a "look out for #1" attitude, though some, like the second narrator's brother, are obvious exceptions. This is all just my uninformed gut reaction to what I've read so far. I'm busy folding clothes at the moment, so it's going slower than it would otherwise.

[A.M. Victoria (LostWritings)]

You make a good point with the training idea. The amount of effort they put into their training would most likely impact their chances of survival, for example the protagonist Tharseo was training ever since he was very young. It benefits. Saphara, on the other hand, didn't get too much training, but she has people in the Initiations willing to help her out until they have to leave. Also, one of the duties of being a leader (which is learned in the Initiations) is to help out the future generations, and the people already inside the Initiations who know what they’re doing will be training the younger generations also to help the chances of survival. Sort of like on-the-spot training, so that all the training doesn’t have to be at such a young age.
Some characters may know friends who have not made it to the Ceremonies, as you have pointed out, but I don’t think the preparations would really be difficult enough to make a large impact on this. Basically the Naming Ceremony is just a review and a speech anyways… People judged to have physical conditions or mental disorders could be eliminated. At least that’s what it looks like to the majority of the population. I can’t tell you what they’re really doing in the Ceremonies or else that would be a spoiler of how the Creatorians determine who passes to the Initiations.

The Initiations (after the Naming Ceremony) are physically challenging, but there’s more of a society set up within to create order. Back on the topic of the Hunger Games, they don’t only want one survivor. They want as many survivors as possible, just not the weak or unintelligent. So the Initiations are set up to develop kids at a young age, unless they’re chosen as Creatorians, meaning they don’t have to go into the Initiations or participate in the Ceremony.

Also how much have you read? It will help to figure out how much information I can give without spoilers.

Does this answer the question?

[Hatter57]

Yes, that is much more on point. I'll let you know more about my reaction once I've had a chance to read a bit more. Good job so far, though.

[A.M. Victoria (LostWritings)]

Thank you! Your perspective on this matter is very interesting.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

What the protagonist is coping with rather reminds me of PTSD- poor Tharseo. I'm also a bit reminded of a combination of Divergent and the Hunger Games. Looking forward to finding out how this tyranny gets overthrown!

[A.M. Victoria (LostWritings)]

Thank you! Yes, Tharseo does actually have PTSD. He also has this thing called Hyperthymesia, where he can't forget things, which probably makes it a lot worse. (He sort of talks about this in this entry, but he'll get into it more later.)

Back when I was 12, I tried to find correlations in the dystopian novels that I would read, and tried to incorporate those. So, as the story progresses, there'll be a lot of reoccurring focuses such as hovering machines, which I saw in both Hunger Games (the hovercrafts) and Uglies (hoverboards). Although parts of this do come from inspiration, I made sure that the main plot line of my story turns out to be very different from the rest of them.

Thanks for taking the time to read and review! It means a lot to me.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Yeah, definitely understood. It's hard to write and not be influenced by our favorite books, since they combined with movies, other entertainment and our own lives tend to incite our story ideas. The three books I have in progress, for example, have influences from Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, American politics, some of my favorite periods of history (Roman era, Middle Ages), Dungeons and Dragons gods, Mists of Avalon, and this Arthurian trilogy by Gillian Bradshaw from before i was born.

[A.M. Victoria (LostWritings)]

I totally agree! I've also read a few of those titles you've mentioned, and thought that they were great reads. I'll have to check your books out too, they sound interesting!

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks! Yeah, they all were! Ah, and add the President's Daughter series by Ellen Emerson White; she had slight influence on my writing as well!