Why Don't Big Girls Cry?

Why does a song called "Big Girls Don't Cry" make me cry so much?

I think it rather ironic that a song that's titled "Big Girls Don't Cry" reduces me to a sobbing heap of tears everytime I hear it.  After what's likely to be my 100th time of belting out "It's time to be a big girl now, And big girls don't cry", and crying so hard I can't catch my breath I seriously feel compelled to break it down and figure out why this song has such a strong impact on me.  My 14-year-old looks at me as if I should seek immediate mental health care.   I know  I'm not the only one.  When I  looked up the lyrics so I could print them out for reference, I saw several references from teenagers commenting on how their moms loved this song, but it made them cry.  I'm sure we all have our reasons, but this is an attempt figure out mine.

 

THE SMELL OF YOUR SKIN LINGERS ON ME NOW

YOU'RE PROBABLY ON YOUR FLIGHT BACK TO YOUR HOME TOWN

I NEED SOME SHELTER OF MY OWN PROTECTION BABY

TO BE WITH MYSELF AND CENTER, CLARITY

PEACE, SERENITY

I think this verse would evoke emotion in most of us.  The scent of a lover who we are away from is a very powerful thing.  Scent is the most memory provoking emotion we have.  However, it's not just that.  Something about "To be with myself and center, clarity, peace, serenity".  That hits me hard.  It's perhaps that I am seperated from my husband by circumstance right now.  During our time apart, I have been doing some serious soul searching.  We have had some serious issues with our daughter.  This has led me to question myself as a mother.  Along with that, I question myself as a person, a friend, a wife.  I have been working hard to provide an atomosphere of peace and serenity for myself and my daughter.  It has been very hard emotional work.  If you have never stepped back and took a serious look at yourself and what you need to fix, let me tell you, it is excruiciatingly painful.  It is however the most liberating thing I have ever done.  Since I felt my daughter's life literally depended on my ability to help her, I had to take this journey.

 

I HOPE YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU KNOW

THAT THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU

IT'S PERSONAL, MYSELF AND I

WE'VE GOT SOME STRAIGHTENIN' OUT TO DO

AND I'M GONNA MISS YOU LIKE A CHILD MISSES THEIR BLANKET

BUT I'VE GOT TO GET A MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE

IT'S TIME TO BE A BIG GIRL NOW

AND BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY

DON'T CRY

DON'T CRY

DON'T CRY

Well, first of all, when I was a LITTLE girl I wasn't allowed to cry.  Crying meant weakness, and that simply wasn't allowed.  Crying would get you hit in my house.  I know some of you can relate to that.  "Shut up, or I'll give you something to cry about".  They were dead serious about that.  So I feel even now that I am not supposed to cry.  It seems I was always supposed to be a big girl.  Perhaps I just want to be a little girl.  Perhaps I have some catching up to do.

 

Also, when I first moved here with my daughter, I did have some "straightening out to do".  It was personal.  It was definately between "myself and I".  I could not heal her until I healed myself.  People will tell you that you simply need to "get over" your past.  I thought that was true myself.  Despite being brought up being hit, yelled at, and made to feel like nothing, I grew up and as I promised myself, I was not like THEM.  I did not hit my kids.  I married a good guy who didn't beat me, cheat on me, or lie to me.  I went to school and got a degree in psychology.  I was "all better".  However, when my daughter was diagnosed as being bipolar and started exhibiting extreme behavior, she needed more than I was able to give her.  After trying all the traditional therapies and medications, my husband and I learned about something called family regulatory therapy.  Too complicated to explain here (you can google the Post Institute if you are interested), but it required a total shift in thinking and how we treated our daughter.  I have had to face a lot of things about my childhood.  It's not about dwelling or blaming, but realizing that everything that happens to us shapes who we are and how we deal with things.  I have learned a lot of things about myself in the past several months.  It has been hard, but I have been A BIG GIRL!

THE PATH THAT I'M WALKING

I MUST GO ALONE

I MUST TAKE THE BABY STEPS 'TIL I'M FULL GROWN, FULL GROWN

FAIRYTALES DON'T ALWAYS HAVE A HAPPY ENDING, DO THEY?

AND I FORSEE THE DARK AHEAD IF I STAY

Again, the work I have done on myself, I had to do alone.  I had to be clear of everything in order to see myself clearly.  The new therapy I practice with my daughter has been a real learning process.  It has been baby steps.  Two steps forward, one step back, but it's working.  The reference to fairytales not always having happy endings terrifies me.  Many people have told me how lucky I was that my husband married me.  He was so far from where I came from.  He went to West Point.  He is smart, handsome, sucessful, and moral.  This whole seperation, although necessary for the wellbeing of our daughter, has sent us on seperate paths. I fear that he will not be able to accept the changes I have made within myself.

Like the little school mate in the school yard

we'll play jacks and uno cards

I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine

yes you can holdmy hand if youwant to

'cause i want to hold yours too

we'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds

but it's time for me to go home

it's getting late, dark outside

I need tobe with myself and center, clarity

peace, serenity

The reference to school mates in the school yard playing jacks and uno cards makes me profoundly sad.  I counted the places I have lived, and the ones I remember total 44. Forty-four apatments, trailers, houses.  I was never anyplace long enough to make friends in the school yard.  I was just trying to survive from one place to another.  Again, I just want to be a kid.  The reference to being playmates and lovers and sharing secret worlds brings home the fact that I don't share my secret world with anyone.  Well, not until I decided to share it with a bunch of total strangers in the Writerscafe. 

 

In closing, this song hits just about every raw nerve I have right now.  I have to be a big girl now.  I know I'm not supposed to cry, but I do.  I think I will go and listen to this song again and cry really hard.

Author's Note

I'm sure no one will ever read this from beginning to end. Way too long. I don't mind. It's just therapy.

Reviews

[Forbidden love]

Wow.. very long but also very good. I can really relate to having to be a big girl, whatever that means now a days but. I guess the best thing to do is just try to stick in it and keep our heads up...
i'm not sure if you will actually do this but listen to Keep Your Head up by Tupac.. it's a really great song and helped me get through a lot
i like your writings, dont stop. :)

[Mistral Bilgera]

i read it from beginning to end...
it's nice of you to turn into writing and music for release. and i know how it feels to be expected to act as a "big girl" while deep inside we crumble and stumble just like a helpless little lass, especially from something minute like daily emotions up to the midst of big things like life's trials.

'I have to be a big girl now. I know I'm not supposed to cry, but I do."
that's good! crying will help keep our sanity intact!

good luck to you Vonnete. Keep on writing heartfelt stories to inspire us :)

[MarchAprilMayJuneJuly]

i DID read it from the beginning to the end...and it made me cry.. it reminded me of my life and made me wonder how my mom must feel....i wasn't allowed to cry when my dad was around, and i still don't feel comfortable doing it in public, or even around family...the only time I cry now is when I cry myself to sleep at night... this story was personally inspiring to me, and it makes me realize that i need to grow up...so you made me think about being a better person, and i'm glad you did! you touch a special part in my heart with each of your writings. I still have stuff locked up inside me that people probably won't know about until the day I die. It's just so hard for me to open up to people, cause I've been hurt so many times, and I've watch my loved ones be hurt too. I admire how you can just pour out your soul and all of heart into every piece!!! In my perspective, you have been an awesome mom and you've just tried to do the best that you can. you remind me of my mom, and she also likes this song!

sorry for the long note, but there was just too much to say.i do have more to say, but i don't know how to say it..

awesome and inspiring!!

~may

[Kerii]

I read the whole thing. Beginning to end. I can feel the emotions coming from this. Even though we think that writing sometimes can't express our true feelings because there just aren't words in this world that can describe something that we alone feel and see. But in this, I can practically see what you're going through. And the hardships you had to work through, and despite the fact that some people may think that you are going through so much to explain something when it is just a song. I see it differently. This song says something to you. Something meaningful. It might hit all the nerves in your body, but it is good that you can relate the things in your life so well with one song.
I hadn't meant for this review to be so long, but I had to explain my thoughts on this. I loved it :]

[Constance]

Big boys cry too, they just do it when no one is watching. :) It's always ok to cry, if you need it. When we hold emotions back, they haunt us and make us different than who we really are, like a sort of possession.
Your voice is clear in this honest write. And see? We read it all the way through, because you have an interesting mind, after all.

[Creepy Swine Guy]

I was thinking that you didn't really write this piece to have it disected as I scrolled down and then I saw your author's note. (Yay for me, I finally got somrthing!) It wasn't all that long, I thought it read quickly. I see a lot here that I understand now but would not have understood as a younger man. I myself, have come to the realization that the simple cannot prosper when matched with the complex and I am quite simple which was why I did not do well with my ex. My brain and soul have few moving parts.

I was, however quite appreciative of the invitation inside your "hall of records" ... I think it even added some insights into my faile marriage and more knowledge is always good.