A BIRTHDAY PRIMER

A BIRTHDAY PRIMER

 

A man (THEODORE), 40, wearing a tie and cardigan, paces in a kitchen, nervously wringing his hands and watching the clock.  The doorbell rings, he rushes to it, opens it, and awkwardly welcomes two other men, (BUCKY and KYLE), into the kitchen. They stand in silence for a few beats before BUCKY bursts into laughter and bearhugs THEODORE. He pats BUCKY on the back gingerly.

BUCKY

Oh gimme a hug a*****e!

(THEODORE returns the hug awkwardly)

There you go! Much better!

(The hug ends. THEODORE steps back.)

Look at you!

THEODORE

Look at me, look at you. Like you haven’t changed at all.

KYLE

(Quietly) Hi, Teddy.

THEODORE

Hi Kyle. Still following this loser around, I see.

BUCKY

Hey, you leave Kilo alone. What’s this? (Gesturing to THEODORE’S tie) All fancied up for us?

THEODORE

Not exactly. I just got home from work.

BUCKY

Work? With that goatee?

THEODORE

What’s wrong with my goatee?

BUCKY

Only two kinds of guys have goatees, Teddy.

KYLE

Only two kinds.

BUCKY

Yeah, only two kinds. Either men whose wives won’t let them grow beards, or men who look too gay in a moustache.

THEODORE

My wife doesn’t care if I have a beard.

KYLE

So you’re the other kind of guy.

THEODORE

Shut up, Kyle.

BUCKY

Don’t tell him to shut up. That’s rude.

THEODORE

Sorry Kyle. I just haven’t seen you guys since high school…what, 20 years ago?

BUCKY

22 years. It was 22 years ago when you disappeared forever, just…poof.

KYLE

Until now.

BUCKY

Until we tracked you down.

THEODORE

I’m in the phone book.

BUCKY

Who uses phone books?

KYLE

Same people who use dictionaries.

BUCKY

So a******s.

KYLE

Definitely.

THEODORE

Do you guys want something to drink?

BUCKY

What have you got?

(THEODORE opens the fridge)

THEODORE

 Uh, milk…V8…-

BUCKY

-Ugh! Who the f**k drinks V8?

THEODORE

Maggie does the shopping mostly.

KYLE

Who’s Maggie?

THEODORE

My wife.

BUCKY

Your wife is disgusting. What else you got?

THEODORE

Tap water?

BUCKY

No beer? What’s the matter with you?

THEODORE

I haven’t drank since college.

BUCKY

Oh, you went to college?

THEODORE

Yes.

KYLE

Was it nice?

THEODORE

Yes, it was nice.

BUCKY

(Exaggeratedly) Ugh! V8?! Seriously? Is your wife a goat?

THEODORE

It’s good for you.

BUCKY

Good for you maybe.

KYLE

Is it legal to marry a goat?

BUCKY

The law can’t stand in the way of true love.

THEODORE

My wife’s not a goat.

KYLE

I didn’t think so. Goats can’t go shopping.

BUCKY

Of course they can. How else do they get those bells?

THEODORE

My wife’s not a goat. Do you want water or milk?

BUCKY

I will have nothing. You disappoint me.

KYLE

Can I have water?

(THEODORE pours him a glass from the tap and hands it to him. KYLE takes it graciously and sips it.)

Thank you. It’s delicious. What’s in it?

THEODORE

It’s water, Kyle. Water is in it.

KYLE

It’s nice.

BUCKY

So where is your pretty wife?

THEODORE

Working.

BUCKY

Working, huh? You work, she works. Sounds terrible.

THEODORE

It’s not so bad. We see each other at night and every other weekend, mostly.

BUCKY

Sounds pretty bad for two people who live in the same house. At least you have the nights together, huh? (He elbows THEODORE lightly in the ribs)

THEODORE

Well, she’s always pretty tired.

BUCKY

Sounds to me like you two forgot you were married and not just complacent roommates.

THEODORE

(Sighing) Do you guys want to sit? I’m going to sit. I’ve been standing all day.

(They all sit around the kitchen table.)

BUCKY

Standing? I didn’t think men who wear ties have to stand all day.

KYLE

Do you have chairs where you work?

THEODORE

I’m a professor at the community college. I’ve been lecturing all day.

(BUCKY laughs profusely)

BUCKY

You?! A real life pro-fess-or? No way!

THEODORE

Yeah.

BUCKY

Well haven’t you just made a little life for yourself. What do you teach?

THEODORE

History.

KYLE

The history of what?

THEODORE

Earth.

KYLE

Oh. Sounds long. No wonder you’ve been standing all day.

BUCKY

So how much do you make?

THEODORE

What?

BUCKY

How much cash is in history teaching at the prestigious community college?

THEODORE

I don’t think-

BUCKY

-Definitely quite a bit. Look at these placemats! (He lifts one up to display)

KYLE

Very tasteful.

BUCKY

Tasteful indeed! (He lets the placemat drop)

THEODORE

So what made you look me up?

BUCKY

Remember when we used to smoke pot in your mom’s garage?

THEODORE

Yeah. Well, sort of. I remember you and Kyle smoking most of it.

BUCKY

Ha, yeah, Kilo and me were bad at sharing.

THEODORE

It worked out for the best I think.

BUCKY

Oh, and remember when we lit Kilo’s coat on fire and he had to jump in the lake?

KYLE

I remember that. I still have a scar on my neck. Do you want to see it?

BUCKY

Do you remember, Teddy?

THEODORE

Yeah, I remember. The police came.

BUCKY

Yeah, they did, didn’t they? Oh man, we were crazy back then.

THEODORE

Yeah, I suppose we were pretty outrageous.

BUCKY

We were. (Laughs) Remember when we said if we make it to your 40^th birthday, we’d play Russian roulette?

THEODORE

Ye-

(Just as THEODORE begins to speak, BUCKY digs a revolver from his pants and sets it forcibly on the center of the table.)

BUCKY

Happy birthday.

(Silence. THEODORE laughs nervously, then stops. KYLE stares at his lap while BUCKY’s gaze never wavers from THEODORE.)

THEODORE

You…you aren’t serious.

BUCKY

Serious as a wet fart, my friend.

THEODORE

Where’d you get a gun?

BUCKY

You don’t recognize it? It was my dad’s. We always messed around with it. I have his bullets too. I stole them while he was in the hospital.

KYLE

He was in the hospital?

BUCKY

For awhile. Remember when my dad got shot on patrol and he had to retire. This was the gun he had stashed in his boot. After he hung it up, he just tossed this thing in the drawer.

THEODORE

Why would you keep it for all these years?

BUCKY

We all swore that being old isn’t what we wanted. We wanted to go out before life pummeled us into dust. Remember? All three of us swore that we wouldn’t be my dad. Well, today you turned 40. And since you’re the youngest of us, we do this today. So! Who goes first?

(KYLE sips his water.)

THEODORE

You’re crazy! That was 20 years ago!

BUCKY

22.

THEODORE

Who do you even remember? You smoked so much pot I thought you’d get lost in your shirt.

BUCKY

I remember because I was serious. Serious then, serious now. Who goes first? Kilo?

KYLE

No, not me. I don’t know how.

BUCKY

Oh come on. It’s not really that hard. (He grabs the gun.) You hold it like this (demonstrating) spin the chambers, (does so) point it at your head (does so)…and pull…the…trigger…

(does so. An audible click is heard. BUCKY smiles.)

Looks like I live to see the sun go down.

THEODORE

(Shaking his head in disbelief) You’re insane.

BUCKY

Shut up, Teddy. I’m not insane, I’m driven. You wanna go next? Or Kilo?

THEODORE

I’m not going to do that!

BUCKY

Like hell you aren’t. But you can wait. Kilo, you’re up.

KYLE

Do I have to?

BUCKY

Yup.

KYLE

But I have to work tomorrow.

BUCKY

I’m sure Costco can afford to lose you.

KYLE

I don’t like missing time. I’m an integral part of the team.

BUCKY

What matters more to you? Huh? That bullshit corporate team-building propaganda? Or this team, right here? Back in high school we were a team, remember?

KYLE

The Brighton Beach Bicycle Gang.

BUCKY

(Laughing) That’s right, the Brighton Beach Bicycle Gang. Three guys-

KYLE

-six wheels-

THEODORE

-and no girlfriends.

(They all laugh, until BUCKY points the gun at KYLE. Silence.)

BUCKY

Your turn.

(KYLE takes the gun and slowly goes through the steps, until he’s holding it to his temple.)

KYLE

If I die, I want you guys to know you’re my best friends. I really loved hanging around with you. And I’m sorry.

THEODORE

Sorry for what?

KYLE

That one night when you had Margaret McKenzie over and you told me that ‘d****t don’t f**k this up for me’ and you got there and I was on the toilet with the door open and you were like ‘what the f**k Kyle?’ and I said ‘I can’t s**t in such a tiny little bathroom!’ and then Bethany McKenzie went home?

THEODORE

Yeah?

KYLE

Sorry for that.

THEODORE

(Chuckles) It’s no big deal, Kyle.

BUCKY

Stop dicking around, do it.

(KYLE inhales deeply, closes his eyes and pulls the trigger. An audible click is heard. He exhales loudly.)

There. Wasn’t so hard.

KYLE

Oh, good. I didn’t want to miss work tomorrow.

BUCKY

Okay, Ted. Last but not least.

THEODORE

I’m not going to do it, Ben.

BUCKY

Don’t call me that.

THEODORE

Well, it’s your name.

BUCKY

You know I hate that name. Take the gun, Teddy. Take the gun, spin the chamber, and see if you have to teach history tomorrow.

THEODORE

No.

BUCKY

You swore! What do you have to live for anyway?

THEODORE

Everything! My wife, my job. I have a cat. I drive a Toyota Corolla and I’ve almost finished paying it off. I’m happy, Ben. That pact was so long ago, things are different now.

BUCKY

Nothing’s different, just instead of you being you, now you’re your dad.

THEODORE

Well maybe he was on to something.

(BUCKY grabs the gun, spins the chamber, and points the gun at THEODORE.)

BUCKY

If you don’t do it, I’ll do it for you.

THEODORE

Don’t…

BUCKY

Either you do it, and control your own fate for once, or I’ll do it, and you can still be a bystander to your own life.

(Silence. BUCKY continues pointing the gun at THEODORE until THEODORE motions for it. BUCKY hands it to him.)

Attaboy.

(THEODORE spins the chamber again, holds it to his temple, and pulls the trigger. An audible click is heard. He throws the gun in BUCKY’S lap and stands abruptly.)

THEODORE

There! Are you happy?!

(BUCKY cackles fiercely)

What’s so Goddamn funny?

BUCKY

(Still laughing) I didn’t put a bullet in the gun!

THEODORE

What?

BUCKY

The gun’s not loaded. Are you f*****g crazy?  You think I’d play Russian roulette with a loaded gun?

THEODORE

You goddamn son of a b***h!

(KYLE begins to share in the laugh with BUCKY)

Both of you get out of here! My wife’s gonna be home and she’s not going to have to meet you two a******s!

BUCKY

Aw, Ted. Be nice.

THEODORE

Shut up! And stop calling me Ted! My name is Theodore!

(KYLE picks up the gun and looks at it.)

BUCKY

Oh, you’re too good for Ted now? Now you’re a super important history professor? Should I call you Mr. Theodore?

KYLE

There’s a bullet in here.

(Silence. BUCKY grabs the gun and inspects it. He retrieves the bullet in question and stares at it.)

BUCKY

Huh. What do you know…I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention. (He chuckles)

(THEODORE is too upset to speak. He paces in the kitchen.)

It has a dent on it. Looks like it misfired.

THEODORE

What do you mean it misfired?

BUCKY

There’s an indentation where the firing pin struck the primer. Just didn’t go off.

THEODORE

Why not?

BUCKY

I dunno.

KYLE

So one of us…?

BUCKY

One of us is really lucky. (He laughs.)

THEODORE

Which one?

BUCKY

No way to tell. It makes sense though. I haven’t cleaned this thing in 20 years.

THEODORE

22.

KYLE

I think I’m going to call in tomorrow. I want to go see a movie.

BUCKY

These bullets are 20 years old too.

THEODORE

Please, leave. I can’t handle this anymore.

BUCKY

Oh, Ted. You survived. No biggee.

THEODORE

Ben, please. Just go.

(BUCKY gets up. He taps KYLE on the shoulder and he also rises. They turn to leave.)

BUCKY

I’ll see you around, Teddy.

(BUCKY and KYLE exit. THEODORE paces for a few more minutes before he picks up the phone. After a moment he speaks.)

THEODORE

Yeah…No…Forget about the V8 for a minute…I think we should go out tonight…Yes, I mean it….okay…I’ll be here when you get home…I love you.

(He hangs up and sits down.)

 

NICK PUGLIESE

Reviews

[Matt]

haha! that was great! i loved it. especially cuzz ive had a bullet misfire on me too.eh the plot grabs you and there arnt too many Grey areas, fun to read and interesting to thinnk about great job