A Social Experiment

Pavlov test subjects have an existential discussion about purpose, procedure, and bacon.

REX: Okay, he's gone.

JULIAN:  You sure?

REX:  Yes, I'm sure.

JULIAN:  How do you know?

REX:  Because he left without his labcoat, but he took his hat and bag. He only does that when he goes home for the day and...

JULIAN:  ...AND...(scratching at something)

REX:  AND do hear any bells ringing?

JULIAN:  (surprised) No! You're right!

REX:  Finally. Peace.

JULIAN:  Wonderful...(scratching at something)

REX:  What are you doing?

JULIAN:  Nothing.

REX:  You're playing with that infernal contraption again aren't you?

JULIAN:  No.

REX:  Yes, you are, I can hear you loud and clear...and I can smell that stuff from here.

JULIAN:  But it's so...wonderful...You just push this...this, whatever this is, and you get...this, whatever this is...

REX:  Button....Bacon...

JULIAN:  What is it?

REX:  Button.

JULIAN:  Mmm...(nom nom nom) I love button.

REX:  Seriously?

JULIAN:  What?

REX:  That's bacon.

JULIAN:  But you just said...

REX:  No...PUSH the BUTTON, receive BACON!

JULIAN:  Ohhhhhh.....Well, I love it.

REX:  Why didn't he give this to us during the experiment?

JULIAN:  What...?

REX:  Seriously, this is why these white coats use animals like us to satisfy their simple bi-pedal curiosities...

JULIAN:  It's for science.

REX:  That's what they call it.

JULIAN:  Well what would you call it?

REX:  Cruel and Unusual Punishment. I swear, if dogs were able to declare citizenship we could sue for this type of mistreatment.

JULIAN:  What are you talking about? I think you been holed up in this lab too long.

REX:  (Oh, what I wouldn't give to be holed up with a lab right now...) I mean it, if Pavlov would have offered this delicacy instead of that rancid excuse for prison salsbury meat he served us, he would have received his results in half the time.I'd have salivated on command for this! See how quickly you learned the result of the button pressing? It's not rocket science...

JULIAN:  Right, it's behavioural science.

REX:  UGH!! You just learned that word, you don't even know what it means!

JULIAN:  So...

REX:  What's your deal anyway? Why does it seem to take you twice as long as the rest of us to learn the commands?

JULIAN:  Well, I guess I'm a different breed.

REX:  Here we go. No, I'm serious.

JULIAN:  Me too. I learn differently.

REX:  Differently than what? You hit the button, you get bacon. The bell rings, you get stroganoff. It's all the same.

JULIAN:  I'm dyslexic.

REX:  What are you talking about?

JULIAN:  I don't know. That's just how my brain works.

REX:  That doesn't even pertain to anything we are talking about.

JULIAN:  OK.

REX:  I don't even think we are having the same conversation anymore.

JULIAN:  What were we talking about?

REX:  Well, I was talking about planning our escape and you were preoccupied with...

JULIAN:  (scratching) BACON! I LOVE THIS THING!

REX:  Exactly.

JULIAN:  Do you want some?

REX:  No, I don't want any.

JULIAN:  Why not. It's wonderful.

REX:  Yes. Yes, you said that.

JULIAN:  What's wrong?

REX:  Nothing.

JULIAN:  Come on, something is bothering you.

REX:  NO. It's just that...how can you be so content to stay here; reside in these cages and participate in these--
these inhumane experiments--and accept your fate that you may remain in captivity the rest of your days...?

JULIAN:  It's not so bad. You do what they tell you, do what they want and you get fed. They give you water. Shelter. Affirmation. Everyday, you know at least you have that. Before the pound picked me up I was scrapping every day with the hounds and the tabbys. I thought that was the life. And then...then, on one special day I was
selected. I was CHOSEN for the great experiment. Everything you need is right here. This is the life.

REX:  They stole me away from my life, this, INJUSTICE, specism. I had a family, a big yard to run and dig and play. LOVE! AFFECTION! I HAD EVERYTHING! This? You call this the LIFE? THIS IS NOTHING! AN ILLUSION? There is no security.  There is no trust. There is only assimilation and conditioning.

JULIAN:  My needs are met.

REX:  ...Then I feel sorry for you because you do not know LIFE, only the comforts THEY provide.

JULIAN:  It's all I need.

REX:  Not me. I need more. It isn't so black and white with me. I refuse to believe that this is all that is left for me...

(scratching)

JULIAN:  Maybe this isn't what is left.

REX:  What?

JULIAN:  (nom nom nom) Maybe this isn't what is left over.

REX:  What does that mean?

JULIAN:  Maybe this is what you were meant for. To be the beginning of a greater understanding.

REX:  YOU don't even understand what you are talking about, let alone what is actually happening here! UGH! Why am I even talking to you?!

JULIAN:  Because then you would really have nothing. I get that much at least. I know what it means to have nothing. You see, I think all that really matters is having someone to share these moments with.

REX:  (disgusted) What?

JULIAN:  This isn't what is left. This is what is right...! Ha! That's pretty funny!

REX:  ...Yeah, that's...that's a good one. You think of that all by yourself?

JULIAN:  Yes.

REX:  Impressive.

JULIAN:  I told you I'm dyslexic. (Beat). Bacon?

REX:  Ok... (nom nom nom).

 

FIN

Author's Note

I wrote this as an example submission for our podcast at www.onceuponapodcast.com. The picture featured with this piece is the "topic" and all work must somehow relate to it (either figuratively or literally) and, of course, be completely original.

Reviews

[Allie]

I couldn't see the picture so I couldn't tell what animal you were talking about, I assumed it was dogs. I am dog lover, and one of those people that talk to their dogs no matter how silly they sound. If I could give dogs voices, this is what they would sound like. You did a good job in showing how dogs raised in different circumstances behave in different ways. This is actually the first stage play I have read since high school and I enjoyed it. Good job.

[.Bunnie.]

^.^ Well I thought the whole thing was absolutely adorable! For SOME reason, I stayed a little confused on exactly what kind of animals they were (the picture's a little too small to see other than the cage part), but after reviewing it a second time, I realized what they were. The whole thing reminded me quite a bit of Pinky & The Brain!! (I wonder if anyone knows what that was, or if this is my first time showing a sign of age?) Anyhow, great job. I really have no suggestions.

Thanks for the RFR!!! :D