Another world

Another world

A Story by Adesanya Yewande
"

short story of a girl in another world

"
     She was breathing hard, almost out of breath, she has to maintain the position she is not to be seen by him, what has she done to him ? she could not tell,Titi (she) heart skip a beat at any sound or movement, she thinks she can hear footsteps, fear grip her where she was.
      Toni(he) had come suddenly earlier that day to congratulate her for gaining admission into the university(college) after years of seeking admission, after all he was the love of her life.
     She is so glad that he has come to congratulate her,she move closer to him,out of fear,for his expression was somehow different, she could feel deception, it was a false smile that his face portray,he move closer to her with slow steps,Titi stood still, eager to accept the gift.
     Then he brought out a knife,she had ask him,what the knife was for, he replied in a cold voice "It is your gift from me".
     She had took to her heel, running as fast as she can, no time to think, only surviving matters to titi at the moment.
      Now she thinks she can hear footsteps approaching her, as she tried to turn back to look at what was coming towards her, she suddenly felt a hand tapping her in the back, all in one, she couldn't think but she shouted as Toni raised the knife to murder her.

********************************************************************************************************
      Sweat beads around her face, she could feel her heartbeat, she look at her surrounding, titi was alone in her bed,it was all a dream (another world)

© 2016 Adesanya Yewande



Author's Note

Adesanya Yewande
your opinion will be welcome,please ignore the grammar error

My Review

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Featured Review

Okay so it is a kind of "twist in the tale" story... It's a short story so I would not ask you to add loads of descriptions and as it is a dream so I believe you did well enough, but as a reader I would have loved to see a bit more intensity in your main characters... I won't say anything about grammar as you have said in your Author's note to ignore it... You will get better by writing and reading in grammar... But I want you to recheck it, you made some small mistakes in giving comas and apostrophes.... Give a space after giving a coma, it really affects in reading...

Please sorry if you feel hurt by me, I didn't intended to hurt you any way, this story has an amazing concept, you just have to add a little more to it make it perfect... Will keep an eye on your page my frnd... We are all in the process of learning to be better.... Keep going.....

Dhiman.....

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Adesanya Yewande

1 Year Ago

thanks dhiman it really didn't hurt me,am here to become a better writer and i need help from friend.. read more
Inject Positivity

1 Year Ago

You are welcome my frnd... Keep writing and enjoy every bit of it...



Reviews

A very good story told in the story.
"Now she thinks she can hear footsteps approaching her, as she tried to turn back to look at what was coming towards her, she suddenly felt a hand tapping her in the back, all in one, she couldn't think but she shouted as Toni raised the knife to murder her."
I like the realistic tone leading to the surprise ending. The above lines were my favorite. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote


Posted 1 Year Ago


ooh I wonder if this dream was a manifestation of what she thought Toni might do to her in real life, maybe she had doubts about him or something, or maybe it was just another bad dream that no one could make sense of haha... it would be nice to know more of the background of this story, you know what happened before she had this dream.

although there were some errors in grammar like missing words that i pointed out the last time, i still did enjoy this story very much

Posted 1 Year Ago


Adesanya Yewande

1 Year Ago

thanks friend for liking it
Okay so it is a kind of "twist in the tale" story... It's a short story so I would not ask you to add loads of descriptions and as it is a dream so I believe you did well enough, but as a reader I would have loved to see a bit more intensity in your main characters... I won't say anything about grammar as you have said in your Author's note to ignore it... You will get better by writing and reading in grammar... But I want you to recheck it, you made some small mistakes in giving comas and apostrophes.... Give a space after giving a coma, it really affects in reading...

Please sorry if you feel hurt by me, I didn't intended to hurt you any way, this story has an amazing concept, you just have to add a little more to it make it perfect... Will keep an eye on your page my frnd... We are all in the process of learning to be better.... Keep going.....

Dhiman.....

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Adesanya Yewande

1 Year Ago

thanks dhiman it really didn't hurt me,am here to become a better writer and i need help from friend.. read more
Inject Positivity

1 Year Ago

You are welcome my frnd... Keep writing and enjoy every bit of it...
This was really amazing! Took me to somewhere close to my imagination which gave me the chills. I am really interested in your story so please continue writing! I know you said this in your author's note, but, some people are really grammar freaks or don't like to read story with bad grammar. My opinion on this is that you recheck what you wrote and re write it a little bit. After all, I think I love this prolouge. Truly amazing!!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Adesanya Yewande

1 Year Ago

thanks for the encouragement and review
I liked it but I can't shake the feeling that something was missing from it. I feel like you could've given more detail as to where she was aswell as descried her fear a bit more than you did. I think that if you'd described the situation a bit more it would've be extremely dramatic and ominous with that addicting flare that puts a reader on edge.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Good job, but you could use a wider range of vocabulary for the character descriptions and nouns (a thesaurus helps a lot!) keep up the great work!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Adesanya Yewande

1 Year Ago

thanks friend
i hate those sort of dreams..so real to life and scary..i often have dreams where i get shot or stabbed and its horrible..but as you say..another world thankfully. good job :)

Posted 1 Year Ago


Little more work needed in the character description. You need to work on show and tell things, the choice of plot was good.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Adesanya Yewande

1 Year Ago

thanks shankar

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211 Views
8 Reviews
Rating
Added on March 30, 2016
Last Updated on April 2, 2016
Tags: love, betrayal, dream

Author

Adesanya Yewande
Adesanya Yewande

lagos, epe, Nigeria



About
am a young lady who loves to read and write,i feel in reading you get to learn much and know more than you have ,and in writing you get to express your feelings and let out your inner though about lif.. more..

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