Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love Back

What I've learned about love and how to feel secure in your own skin, not relying on anyone else to show you what you are worth.

 I've been thinking again, and that usually leads to revelations and new perspectives, so thinking is good. I have been thinking about people, how they live, how they act, how they love and how they hate. We make decisions everyday wether or not to use our lives to love or hurt the people of this world. Loving is risky, but the benefits far outweigh the risk. Hating, on the other hand, takes a lot of work. To carry around hate in your heart and to speak hate into other people's lives only burdens yourself. I once heard that forgiveness is not about the person who hurt you but it is really about freeing yourself from an unecessary burden. I don't want to live my life with the burden of unforgiveness. No matter how much I have been hurt, no matter who tries to hurt me, I know that it is better for me to just forgive immediately, even if I hurt. Releasing the hurt is powerful and forgiveness is freeing. If God can forgive me for things I have done and do, then I should follow easily by example and forgive as well.

People have the power to speak life or death into another person's life. I wonder if everyone realizes the heaviness of that statement, or how true it is. Do you want to be a life giver or a death giver? I am in favor of life and speaking life into other people. But I don't have a problem with sticking up for myself when it's called for. I usually don't respond to pettiness or immaturity, but if it carries on and on, there comes a time to speak up and make it known that it is not okay to treat me disrespectfully. 

I have not lived a perfect life, I think I make that known through my honesty and candor found in my blogs, and I don't believe I could ever live life perfectly. But I do live my life to the best of my God given abilities. I have a lot to offer this world and I am not boastful about it, but thankful that I have inside of me what it takes to be able to reach out and be there for others. 

I have recently had some emails sent my way from people I don't even know, but am happy to be getting to know who ask me for my advice, who appreciate my perspective on life and who want to know things they seem to think I know and know well. It is very humbling and very honoring to receive emails like this, to know that someone feels that I am the type of person that they can put themselves out there and talk to me about anything. I never claim to have all of the answers, but I always promise that I will listen with all my heart and offer what advice I feel might be beneficial for a person in the circumstances in which they are seeking help with. It makes me feel good that I can maybe make a difference or at least offer some sense of reassurance to a person feeling lost or hopeless. 

I have been there, lost, hopeless and near giving up, and I was able to climb out of it and find happiness and love. I guess the life experiences I have had both good and bad has made me able to offer something that I otherwise would have never been able to had the road of my life been smoothe and easy. I have had to fight for what I want and for what I have, for what I believe in and for what I don't want in my life. I have had to make difficult decisions for the betterment of my life and my families life. I know that I have hurt people in my life and knowing that doesn't make me feel good or powerful, it saddens my heart and makes me that much more careful with how I treat people. It has made me wiser to go through the things I have and am going thru. 

God has been merciful to me, healing me when the doctors reports were hopeless, holding me when the world seemed to have pushed me down, and even lifting me up higher above the muck and myer when I had made a mess of things. When I feel rejection from family and life in general, I am reminded that I am not alone, that I will always have a Father in Heaven, a Husband and Son with me and that I will always have friends that keep me grounded. 

I have been dealing with some difficult decisions about some people in my life that have caused me pain, so much pain I didn't think it was possible (and no, I am not talking about past friends who were once very important to me and now we have parted ways, I will never talk about them in a bad light, I have nothing to say about them despite what bad they still feel they have to say about me amongst themselves. They are who they are, and I have long since forgiven them for the things that they say in an attempt to cause me harm. People can only hurt you if you allow them to. I only include that because I know they often still read my blogs. Though I beleive that they do have great and wonderful qualities about them, it is just an example of how not all people are good together, but maybe better when they are not in your life, sadly that was the case with these past friends, enough about that.) 

The recent pain I am going thru is by someone so close to me, you can't get much closer than they are, and no, it is not my husband or my son, they obviously are wonderful to me. This person/people continue to shut me out and make me feel that I am so aweful for wanting them in my life still. There is very good reason why I want this person in my life, to love me, to accept me, to be proud of me. But they have issues of their own to deal with and I guess a relationship with me is not a priority or even on the "to do list" of their life at this point, or maybe ever. I have gone back and forth nearly my entire life trying to make this relationship work and I think I am at the point where I have to say, "I am done putting myself out there to be hurt time and time again, I love you and I always will, but I can't stick around knowing that you can't be consistent and say the same to me". It would mean a severing of all ties, and that to me is like a kind of death. I always had dreams of me and this person sharing our lives, laughing together, helping each other thru life's difficult seasons and being able to go to them with honesty and vaunerability and know that I would be accepted. I wanted to learn from this person, and grow with them, I wanted for them to see my life and how I raise my son and love my husband and have them be proud of me and say it. I wanted them to lift me up when life beat me down, to wrap their arms around me and tell me everything would be okay, even if they weren't sure that it would be. Instead, I see a continued effort on my part and rejection and burden on their part. I simply cannot bear another tear shed for the pain they can cause me. It would take so little to love and support but I guess for this person so little is too much. 

I have reluctantly come to realize that I cannot make anyone love me or be there for me emotionally, mentally or physically. I can't make anyone see how special and dear they are to me and expect them to feel the same for me in return. Some people are just not capable of giving what you need and want them to give, no matter how badly you pray for it. That is the downside of free will. People will do what they will, even if it hurts others in the process. I have had to do a lot of talking and thinking and most of all praying about what to do with the situation, because, well, it just is what it is. I don't forsee it changing anytime soon, it has always been a very inconsistent and not so healthy relationship that I have always managed to make it out to be not so bad. When in reality, it hurts me, to the core. This person is amazing, and loving and cares about people more than they care about themselves, I admire and look up to this person for so many reasons. I don't think they even really know how much love and adoration I have for them, and yet I'm not even sure they care to know. Knowing all of this about this person in my life makes it all the more difficult for me to wrap my head around why I am seemingly so unwanted to them. It forces me to ask questions about who I am and if my faults are really so terrible to be unlovable. 

Gratefully, I have a God that gives me reassurance that I was fearfully and wonderfully made, that I have Christ in me and I am indeed lovable and good in His eyes. I also have a husband that would give anything for my happiness, who tells me he loves me five to six times a day and never forgets to kiss me goodbye when leaving the house, even if it is just to run up the street for five minutes, or to take the garbage out. I also have a son, who is wise beyond his years, and has a heart so pure it brings me to my knees. He tells me that I am the most special mommy in the world and that he is so lucky to have me here with him everyday of his life. He tells me that I am his rockstar mommy, and he is also generous with his hugs and kisses and endless words of encouragement and affirmation towards me. I think he has his daddy to thank for how big he loves. I am forever blessed for the love in my life. I also have a best friend whom I can call up on any given day and she is always there to help me see the brightside, even if it takes a while for my stubborn mind to accept.

Of course, I know that it could always be worse, that people out there do have it worse, and I cannot and will not allow the lack of love and acceptance from this person turn me into a victim. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I choose to take this for what it is and let it make me stronger. It will drive me to work harder and accomplish things in my life that I deserve and am very capable of doing. I will focus on the people that do love and accept me, who are there to support me in all things, with a consistency and a genuiness. I will draw a line, and make a boundary to protect my heart and I will continue to pray without ceasing for this person. I am commiting this issue into God's hands and I am perfectly fine being free of this pain. 

Before I trusted God, I lived my life and dealt with my emotions very differently. Had this situation and many other situations over the past year happend back then, I would have agonized, dramatized and gone running and crying out for attention from anyone and everyone in an effort to find peace and healing. I would have held a pity party for myself and seen myself as the victim, playing that victim role like a broken record. I know people who are today like the old me and I pray for them that they find a better way to deal with their heartache too. It really is life changing and empowering to be able to decide to be strong and trust in yourself and in God enough to not have to run around crazy until you have worn yourself out and made yourself sick and driven everyone else around you crazy too. After awhile, people get tired of hearing how sad your life is and how unwilling you are to help yourself or accept the help that is out there for you. 

I know that I know the best change I have ever made in my life is this. Refusing to be a victim and living in victory is a much better way to live life, after all, we only get one chance at life. This is it, so why not learn from your circumstances and the people around you and take every opportunity to improve yourself and the way you choose to live your life? Life is filled with opportunity and choices and if you are humble enough to admit your shortcomings and willing enough to improve on them, there are no limits to what you can accomplish in your life and in the lives of others.
Living for God and living for others is far more rewarding than living for yourself. The fruits of your labor and the benefits of your love and giving will come back to you tenfold. So focus on others when you are feeling down, the less you focus on yourself and your own problems and the more you look outside yourself to see who you can be a blessing to the more you will find your problems just fade away.

Be strong people, be proud of your accomplishments and in who you are, don't waste your life holding on to things that are not worth holding on to. Stop trying to change people or make them love you, and start asking what you can do for other people to help them live a life that they can feel proud of too. Don't hold hate and unforgiveness in your heart, they are like diseases that fester and spread and eventually will only tear you down and hold you back. Free yourself from yourself and be a light to the people in this world who could use some light, a kind word, a loving heart, and support in the midst of their trials. No one wants to walk this world alone, everyone needs someone, so why not be that someone? Make a difference and challenge yourself, by doing that everyday you will see yourself growing and changing in ways that are exceptional and endlessly rewarding. 

Be peaceful and careful with people, their hearts break easily and their pain can last a lifetime, so be mindful to show love and be real, be someone they can count on and not just another person they have to endure or avoid. There are plenty of hateful people in the world, because it is easier to hate than it is to love, take the more difficult and challenging road to love and see it come back to you. You get what you give in this world, and I want love and peace, joy and kindness, and I know just what I need to do to get it. I have to be it. I have been called for a purpose to love and not hate, to forgive and be forgiven. And as for the people who don't want to or can't receive what you have to give, I can promise you that there are ten thousand more people out there in this wide wonderful world who would be more than happy to receive what you have to offer.

Reviews

[turtlegirlluver]

Wow, this is a really powerful piece. I can relate to this so much, in the fact that you love someone, but don't know if they are willing to receive your love. This is a daily problem too, but I find my faith in God very helpful to pull me through. I also find myself praying for the other, even if the relationship might never work. Another thing I relate to is loving other than hating. Love builds up the world, and it's our job to spread it. I really liked this piece and think that everyone can relate to this somehow. I wish you luck! Good job!

[Tim]

A wonderful and power piece. We all face struggles in our life but they are easier dealt with when God is in our life. Even though things are never perfect you can always have the strength that He gives to deal with problems. Hope things work out well for you.